Flashes

Cop Prep

The Flash hears rumblings that the City of Phoenix is considering establishing a charter school charged with creating worthy candidates for the police department. Aspiring badge toters would be properly matriculated, indoctrinated and, of course, hazed to nubs.

The Flash doesn’t necessarily think this school is a bad idea. In fact, in terms of fodder for this week’s drivel-fest, it’s a downright swell idea. Let’s ruminate, shall we, while exploiting every cliché and stereotype imaginable?

If Cop Prep had sports teams, what would they be called? The Apprehenders? The Nabbers? The Badgers? The High-Speed Chasers? Boys in Blue?

And how about the custom — albeit a bit New Agey — curricula? Here are a few can’t-miss suggestions:

Breakfast (doughnuts and coffee).

Accessorizing.

Spanish As a Second Language.

Your Sidearm, Yourselves.

Frisking and Cuffing 101.

Law.

A Recent History of the Carotid Chokehold.

Triggernometry.

Staying Awake on Stakeouts.

Speech/Drama: Nailing the Miranda Warning.

Internal Affairs: Hey, This Ain’t Mesa!

Math As It Relates to Radio Code.

Spotting Your Classmate’s Fake ID.

Investigating the Misdemeanor Homicide.

Lunch (doughnuts and coffee).

Siren Management.

Your Mustache: It’s Not Just Lip Service.

Your Cruiser and Chicks.

Good Cop/Bad Cop (Instructors: Harold Hurtt and Joke Arpaio).

Hygiene.

DARE.

Mace or Pepper Spray: A Question of Taste.

Glock Around the Clock: Our Very Own AIMS Test.

The Importance of Grammar and Punctuation in Investigative Reports.

How to Keep an Investigation Open Indefinitely.

Choir Practice.