Feathered Bastard

Fox Reality Channel to Air Lame Arpaio Reality Show in December.

Anything to get the boob on the boob tube, eh, Joe?

Say you're sick of Sheriff Joe Arpaio's aged, authoritarian blowhole? So much so that the mere sight of his flaccid turkey neck and oily pate causes the sudden need to blow chunks and an insatiable desire to kick a puppy in the nads?

Well, the nudniks over at the Fox Reality Channel are eager to bottle that Joe fatigue and sell it to an unsuspecting nation, with their latest dumbass reality series Smile...You're Under Arrest! This surefire Emmy-bait features penny-ante busts performed by Sheriff's Office goons. Suspects with outstanding warrants are suckered in by promises of modeling gigs, movie extra roles, and whatever else it takes to get them in a spot where MCSO doughnut-chompers can nab 'em without putting their beige-covered asses in harm's way.

If you think you've heard about this pathetic hunk o' televised merde before, you have. Over a year ago, the local press reported that Fox TV was shooting the pilot with the help of our corrupt, publicity-addicted top constable and his slavish minions.

Apparently, it's such a genius piece of programming that Fox is airing the first episode in this three-part series a couple of days after Xmas, according to a press release issued this week. A three-parter, huh? Sounds like a real winner, boys.The irony, of course, is that there are 40,000 felony warrants outstanding in Maricopa County because lazy-ass Joe and his tribe can't get it up to do their jobs. For some reason, I'm guessing that little factoid won't be mentioned anywhere in the Fox broadcasts.

As this is only a three-parter, no doubt producer Scott Satin (that's "Satin," not Satan) will be looking for more reality show spinoffs from Joe's jails. Here's one there's already footage for: Smile...You've Just Been Murdered by a Member of the Aryan Brotherhood! Channel 5 scored the video of that beat-down of MCSO inmate Robert Cotton. And now, New Times has secured footage of the naked body of Juan Mendoza Farias, who went into Joe's medieval hell-hole for a DUI and ended up -- you guessed it -- stiff as freshly cut pine.

Thing is, the video footage, which was recently released by MCSO lawyer Michelle Iafrate, isn't complete. As New Times scribe John Dickerson wrote in a recent blog post: The video ends before Farias was shoved by 11 guards into another jail cell. There, about 11:08 p.m. according to incident reports, the guards pinned Farias facedown, with his hands cuffed behind his back. They eventually noticed that he wasn’t breathing. When they rolled him over, the mask covering his mouth was filled with blood. Guards initiated CPR on Farias between 11:15 and 11:20 p.m., according to written incident reports.

None of that – the entire purpose for the records request and lawsuit – was in the footage provided to New Times.

But maybe Scott Satan, sorry, Satin, could secure that missing footage from his buddy Sheriff Joe. I'll betcha Joe'd be willing to part with it as long as he can get his decrepit, wrinkled puss on cable for a few minutes.

Better even than Smile...You're Dead in Joe's Jails! would be the reality series, Smile, Joe, You're Being Hit with a Big Ole Indictment by Arizona's New U.S. Attorney! But we'll have to wait for Barack Obama to get sworn in, and a new Justice Department for that one to get filmed.

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Stephen is a former staff writer and columnist at Phoenix New Times.
Contact: Stephen Lemons