Some things you just cannot make up. Like a motion from the Almighty filed Monday in district court on the U.S. Department of Justice's anti-SB 1070 lawsuit.
And by the Almighty, I mean, the Lord, Yahweh, Big Poppa Up Above, whatever you want to call the guy with the long, white beard wearing sandals and a robe as the dudes and chicks with wings minister to him.
Actually, the rambling 63 page court document didn't come via thunderbolt. Rather, it was penned by the Almighty's messenger Divine Queen Mariette Do-Nguyen, proprietress of the Kingdom of Heaven, aka, "The World Divine Government on Earth," which is evidently somewhere in San Diego, California.
Do-Nguyen introduces herself to the court, thus,
"I, Mariette Do-Nguyen, a legal immigrant from Vietnam during the evacuation of 1975, sponsored by the United States government, became a U.S. citizen in June, 1982. I am the Almighty Eternal Creator's Messenger of Covenant, and founder and head of the Kingdom of Heaven in the earthly realm. Obeying the Almighty Eternal Creator's instructions, I act as His representative in the United States Federal Court, fill [sic] this Motion for Filling [sic] Third-Party Complaint, and seeking release."
Later, she writes, "The Almighty Eternal Creator communicates directly with my divine soul through my dreams and His words."
She also notes that, "I am acting pro se until further notice to the court, until someone on earth comes forward to accept representation of the Almighty Eternal Creator in my place."
In other words, the Lord needs a lawyer. And till one steps up to the plate, Do-Nguyen, to borrow a phrase from The Blues Brothers, is on a mission from God.
Do-Nguyen has a Web site for the Kingdom of Heaven, a YouTube site where she reads sermons in monotone before a camera, and a Facebook and a MySpace page. On the latter, we learn that the Divine Queen is single, straight, a Capricorn and does MySpace for networking and friends, who (for her) include Prince Charles, Sarah Palin, Pope Benedict XVI and Angelina Jolie.
On the MySpace page, she offers this scatterbrained description of herself:
"I D. Q. Mariette, an Advocatess proceeded from my fully God Spirit Father! I incarnated on earth as fully God and fully human for fulfill Messiah promise of God turns to earth, dwells among human race and to bring those obey God our Father's commandments to Him!"
Um, so pay attention, for Chrissakes.
The "Advocatess" is also the author of several books, including her latest, The Kingdom of Heaven Constitution. A scintillating read, I hear. Particularly if you're on Thorazine.
I should point out that Do-Nguyen's motion is in support of SB 1070. Seems she's ticked that she wasn't able to get her sister and her sister's family into the country, so the federal government needs to keep those illegal aliens out. She says they're violating divine law, too.
The Messenger of Covenant details how the 9/11 terrorist attacks were revealed to her way back in 1996. She says she warned two presidents and both houses of Congress, but no one listened to her. Can't imagine why not.
This Vietnamese Cassandra's motion, which is listed on the docket for U.S. vs. Arizona like it was any other amicus brief, also goes into some deeply strange detail about her supposed contacts with the FBI, the CIA, police from Ghana, and Senator Dianne Feinstein, among others.
Do-Nguyen alleges that she's a victim of President George Walker Bush and his administration, which "illegally handed over nearly a billion dollars to grand robbers and scammers, who are terrorists."
She further complains, "These terrorists attempted to murder me, a U.S. citizen who held genuine legal rights to her monies, and try to using [sic] my money to carry out waves of attacks on American soil."
There are also numerous exhibits filed with e-mails that make it seem like she might have fallen for one of those Nigerian bank scams, except this one was out of Ghana, I guess.
As Hunter S. Thompson once said, "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." Heck, I might even dig Do-Nguyen's weirdness and buy a copy of her crazy book if she were on the anti-SB 1070 side of things.
But the more I think about it, I'm glad she's on the same team as Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, state Senator Russell Pearce, and J.T. Ready. Do-Nguyen should consider moving here from California. She'd fit right in.
Keep Phoenix New Times Free... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Phoenix with no paywalls.