Next week, the Republican Party will convene in Tampa to plot world domination. And you're feeling left out.
Yes, you badly want in on the ground floor of the next culture war or invasion of a small, preferably Muslim, country. Yet the GOP speaks in an elusive language only its followers understand. With just a few coded words, it's able to mobilize the loyalists — while simultaneously dismissing everyone else as un-American and quite possibly queer.
Rosetta Stone offers no help, for this is a dialect only deciphered with written authorization from Jesus or Goldman Sachs. You worry the march to godliness will go forth without you. You'll be left behind with Rosie O'Donnell and those eco-fairies who bicycle to work.
New Times feature
Yet a recently leaked glossary lays bare the mystery of the Republican tongue. Now you too can speak with the superiority of talk radio hosts and pissed-off old guys who live in mobile-home parks. Enjoy your seat at the right hand of God!
Abortion: Reproductive issue best decided by preachers from rural Georgia who believe babies are conceived by using public restrooms.
American: True patriot who hates all the right things, including but not exclusive to: taxes, un-breaded chicken, California, female sportscasters, the Toyota Prius, people who speak Mexican, BET, free-range vegetables, public radio, Al Sharpton, whales . . .
Apologizing: The treasonous admission that America is not always perfect. Usually committed by people who can't even tastefully match their cowboy boots with their firearms.
Bain Capital: Massachusetts investment firm celebrated for providing investors with huge returns by laying off thousands of workers, cutting healthcare benefits, and shipping jobs to those places where foreigners live. Will serve as the model for U.S. economic recovery once the infidel is smitten.
Barack Hussein Obama: Muslim foreigner illegally elected president to pursue the socialist agenda of Karl Marx, regarded as the least funny brother of the famed comedic troupe.
Bible: Historical novel starring omnipotent being who sentences others to eternal damnation unless they do what he says. Think of Pat Robertson, only with a hillbilly beard and the ability to part seas.
Chick-fil-A: Baptist version of eating kosher. Only sells chickens that have provided a documented history of heterosexuality to a commission of small-town Chamber of Commerce officials.
Christian: GOP delegate who's devoted his life to Jesus, handguns and repealing the Clean Water Act. Will be doing missionary work at Tampa gentlemen's clubs next week. At least that's what he'll tell his wife when the MasterCard bill arrives, LOL!
Christian Persecution: When school board bars teacher from conducting faith-healing sessions in his seventh-grade biology class.
Class Warfare: Indefensible act of pitting America against the wealthy, but perfectly reasonable when mocking moms on welfare so they'll finally learn not to wear spandex with a butt that size.
College: American version of Maoist re-education camp, where liberal professors encourage impressionable youth to enjoy critical thinking, Jäger shots and recreational intercourse.
Constitutional Conservatism: Belief that our founding document should be strictly interpreted — even though it was written by guys who wore wigs and capri pants but were definitely not trannies, since that hadn't even been invented yet.
Corporation: Most evolved species of mammal. Designated by Supreme Court as the legal equivalent to people, only better because it can afford to buy congressmen and box seats at big sporting events.
Entitlement Society: Large corporations who demand public subsidies every time they build a facility, move their headquarters, or threaten to relocate to Botswana or Mississippi. Wait. No. Scratch that.
Environment: Convenient place to dump car batteries and kitchen appliances. While lame-stream media insists on its preservation, studies by the business faculty at Liberty University business faculty prove that beavers actually like swimming in hydrochloric acid because it improves their skin tone.
Evolution: Fraudulent theory that man evolved from ape. Have you ever seen an ape with jugs like Jessica Simpson's?
Feminazis: Ingrate women who use the word "Ewwww!" when Rush Limbaugh tries to buy them a Sex on the Beach at hotel bars in Boca Raton.
Food Stamp President: Did we mention that Obama's a negro? And that he's probably a Muslim?
Founding Fathers: Early visionaries who built a start-up country to escape the tyranny of England. Based on the theory that we could more cost-effectively do our own tyranny.
Free Market: Utopian world where corporations are allowed to conduct business without interference from price fixing, consumer protection, or child labor laws.
Global Warming: Theory shared by 99 percent of the world's scientists that man-made pollution is warming the Earth's atmosphere. Easily discredited by pointing to that one day in February when it was pretty cold.
Gotcha Journalism: Shameful media practice using duplicitous interview tactics — often called "questions" — to get vice presidential candidates to admit they can't read.
Homosexual agenda: Conspiracy co-chaired by Satan and Neil Patrick Harris to convince America's youth to quit football and pursue careers as botanists and defense lawyers.
Illegals: American slang for "Mexican." Also: Anyone skilled in the operation of a leaf blower.
Jesus: Celebrated ancient deity who preached that "the poor should get a damned job already" and that all human suffering could be averted by simply lowering the capital gains tax.
Jews: The guys who killed Christ. Occasionally have the audacity to apply for membership in your country club, despite genetic deficiencies and an inadequate short game.
Job Creators: People who pay half the tax rate you do because God likes them way better. Deserving of further deductions because the gardener is asking for $4.25 an hour and Sundays off.
Lamestream Media: All media with the exception of Fox News, the Wall Street Journal, and the non-gay parts of PornHub.com. Note: Gay parts can be mildly educational if your wife's at Bible study and the door is locked.
Liberal Agenda: Set of effete East Coast values written by Sean Penn and the Dixie Chicks to destroy the American family by getting our children to suck at math and listen to John Mayer.
Liberal Elite: Immoral foe nearly crushed to extinction by the superiority of the conservative agenda. Membership believed to consist of three elderly men recently expelled from the Newport Yacht club for publicly expressing fond memories of Roosevelt.
Muslims: Swarthy apostates who hate freedom. Believe that blowing up grandmas and blond children will be rewarded with 72 virgins in a jacuzzi suite at the Heaven Best Western. Covert cells mostly operating in Iran and the U.S. State Department.
Obamacare: Theory that all Americans deserve health coverage, when they could just as easily rub some dirt on it.
Radical Feminists: Secret cabal of WNBA season ticketholders seeking to usurp the natural role of men as the boss of everything. Need to shut up and vacuum the living room.
Science: Discredited field of study practiced by sissies at northern liberal arts schools that suck at football.
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Second Amendment: The God-given right to carry an assault rifle to Sunday brunch at Applebee's just in case there's a kid wearing a hoodie.
Tea Party: People who hate socialism and government entitlements but live off Social Security and Medicare because stuff like that doesn't really count.
Traditional Marriage: A union between a man and woman who argue over a period of three to seven years, then separate and file unflattering paperwork about each other. Repeat cycle as necessary.
Values Voters: People willing to be economically sodomized as long as we keep bagging on the homos and the wetbacks.