Sheriff Joe Arpaio's comrades in his sham "investigation" into President Obama's birth certificate ought to be committed to a mental-health institution.
Why? Consider the "prime suspect" for faking Obama's birth certificate, according to one of the birthers in on Arpaio's gag -- Phoenix New Times.
Yeah, us. By the way, were we allegedly paid for this? If so, I still haven't been paid for that awesome forgery job, so I'll be waiting on those Obamabucks.
One of our readers forwarded along this video of a guy named Carl Gallups from northwest (read: backwoods) Florida, whom we're only familiar with for his rampant ass-kissing of Arpaio's lead birther investigator, Mike Zullo. Gallups, from what we can tell, has an "in" on the investigation, and claims to have secret information on the investigation into the birth certificate that he can't share with the public.
Gallups apparently found a New Times blog post about the latest boner by Arpaio's incompetent birther squad, as their entire "investigation" has pretty much been flushed down the toilet.
Gallups responds by crapping his pants for a solid 15 minutes on his radio show, in which he suggests New Times is responsible for the forgery:
(Warning to those who plan to listen to all 15 minutes: These are 15 minutes of your life you'll never get back.)
After rambling on and on and on about the New Times post, he eventually reached his brilliant conclusion:
"When I was a sworn law-enforcement officer (which, by the way, sounds a lot like "mall security guard"), when I had a criminal case going, and all of the sudden I had these people on the outskirts and the fringes who are jumping up and down, claiming they had derailed my investigation, and had the evidence, and spoke very nebulously, and spoke falsely, and then started disseminating that information to the public, they would be my prime suspects in the case from the beginning," Gallups declared. "They would be persons of interest . . . the Zullo investigation is now looking at persons of interests, specific people."
"Now you can see why Zullo and company have begun to focus on specific persons of interest who all of the sudden have made themselves front-and-center in this investigation," he said.
(By the way, we're not sure why Gallups lied about a number of things, including New Times' readership figures -- which can be found here -- as well as his own bizarre claim of having millions of people listening to him by adding up YouTube figures, or, you know, his claim that Phoenix New Times forged Obama's birth certificate.)
Man, we bet Gallups busted thousands of shoplifters at Macy's in that illustrious "law enforcement" career. Since Gallups clearly solved the whole mystery, we'll turn over some evidence here to Sheriff Arpaio and lead investigator Zullo. Below, find our rough draft of the Obama birth certificate, which is concealed in the Photoshop "layers":
Sheriff Arpaio, come lock us up. (Just kidding -- that would not be the first time people here were arrested by Arpaio's boys for no goddamn reason.)
Keep Phoenix New Times Free... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Phoenix with no paywalls.