Is Calvin Goode making a mountain out of a molehill?
Not according to the results of New Times' Totem Poll (Squaw Pique," December 30). Fired up by the Phoenix councilmember's recent squawk that Squaw Peak's name is offensive to Native Americans, scores of readers answered our plea for a politically pleasing alternative. The winning entry?

Schist Peak, a geological reference to metamorphic-rock formations that no one could possibly find offensive. "Think of the fun when the mispronunciations begin!" wrote contest winner Brian Kenny of Mesa, who will receive a dinner for two with Calvin Goode (subject to availability) at the Tee Pee Mexican Food restaurant. Kenny also earned high praise for the new name he dreamed up for the nearby Squaw Peak Parkway, a moniker judges deemed a fitting tribute to the man who brought the Squaw Peak problem to the public's attention in the first place. Phoenix, start your engines--and welcome to the Goode Schist Parkway!

The contest drew more than 100 wildly creative entries, including several that are even printable: The Peak With No Name (Although I have serious reservations about the name, at least this name will not offend anybody--except maybe Clint Eastwood--and the city will not be Siouxed.") Squawk Peak

Mount Madonna
Goode Pointe (Because Calvin is trying to make one.")
Peckerwood Peak
K1 (Because it's not as big as K2.")
Them Thar Hills
D-Cup Peak From Hell, Part II

Paramount Peak (accompanied by the apocryphal story that Squaw Peak is the mountain depicted on the Paramount Pictures logo)

Honky Hill
Keating-Mecham Mountain (A joint tribute to the men most responsible for shaping America's image of Arizona.")

Asked to rename Squaw Peak Parkway, few entrants could resist the opportunity to take pot shots at the overpriced ceramics adorning that thoroughfare. Pottery Parkway, Crack Pot Parkway and Pottery Row were among the much-mentioned variations on this theme, while other entrants opted for Indianesque handles like Pocahontas Parkway, Hi Ho Silver Expressway and Wampum Way.

And if anyone knows the answer to a question that popped up on more entries than we care to remember (namely, "Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?"), don't call us. Call Calvin.

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