Lesbian Heaven

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"That's cool, but if you like us so much, why are you going back to South Park to hang with Cartman?" I ask.

"I've got a house up there I've got to go take care of; other than that, I would not be going home. But once I take care of that situation, I'll be buyin' a house in Scottsdale, no doubt. And not just because of the nightlife. There's potential here. And I've been able to make money freelancing in my profession. So I'll be back."

Just then, Jett taps me on my shoulder. "Yo, Kreme, check this action in the corner, dawg."

What I spy makes my eyes pop like a room full of tarts: a trio of hotties in a three-way spit-swap! The cuties in question are Chandra, a tall beauty with walnut-brown skin; Anna, a fine-ass fem-bot with almond eyes and full, thick lips; and Dayna, a chica caliente in a Duke-blue doo-rag, wraparound shades and a pierced lower lip.

Jett and I lock on the threesome like a heat-seeking missile, approach, and make our intros. Chandra is a photography student at Mesa Community College, and she breaks down why they are where they are.

"There're like two women's bars in the whole scene," she smirks. "There're like 20 guy bars. Where am I gonna go as a gay female?"

"How does E-Lounge rate versus the Biz?" queries Jett.

"I used to like the Biz better because it was bigger and had more to offer, but it started to get overrun with men, basically. So this is a new place for women to go."

"Is the Biz overrun with gay men or heterosexual men?" I ask.

"Gay men, but heterosexual men, too. A lot of straight men go there to harass gay females, and that pretty much kills it for me. I've been to a lot of gay bars where men have harassed me. In a gay bar, men can go into a girls' restroom and mess with the women with no consequences.

"It's cool here right now," continues Chandra, 23. "But if a lot of straight men start showing up, or even gay men, for that matter, I'll stop coming."

Chandra's makin' me ashamed to have a jimmy, if you can call my pea pod a jimmy. So I turn my attention to doo-ragged-out Dayna, 22, a Cali girl who's just come back to the Zona from the gay mecca of West Hollywood.

"Dayna, are you a student?"

"Nah, I hate school."

"So what do you do for a living?" I wonder.

"I don't do nothing! I have a bank account, so that's how I handle that."

"I see you like Stevie Wonder," I clown. "Love your look. You come here on a motorcycle tonight?"

"I came on my tricycle!" laughs Dayna. "Thanks for the compliment, but I look like shit. I just woke up. But that's okay, I got no intention of hooking up tonight. I'm just here to have fun. Plus I know all these girls get around, so they don't interest me. I'm a clean girl."

"Maybe she's a virgin!" exclaims Jett.

Dayna looks back at her, half-kidding, half-flirting. "Yeah, maybe you can unvirginize me tonight."

"I'll be riding home on her tricycle with her," says Jett. "She's even gonna give me her Styrofoam helmet, too."

"Aw, now that's sweet," I say. I want to talk to Anna, or, better yet, just stare at that drop-dead-gorgeous grille she's got, but at the moment she's getting a lap dance from Chandra, and far be it from me to interrupt that action.

I head back to the bar, where the bartender hooks me up with an E-Railer, the drink of the hizz-ouse. Slightly sweet, it has kind of a Long Island Iced Tea effect, in that it sneaks up on you and cracks you upside your skully after about the third one. While I'm getting' my drink on, listening to the DJ drop Beyoncè's "Naughty Girl," I begin to parlez with Leslie Suder, who's currently working on a TV show being shot in the PHX called Cooking's a Drag ( Pipe-smuggler Betty Dee Lishous (a.k.a. "Miss Richfield 1981") hosts the soon-to-be-weekly syndicated 30 minutes of camp and cuisine. Betty's shtick is that she hates to cook, so celebs like Erik Estrada and William Shatner stop by to show her how to prepare certain recipes.

"I'm doing all the marketing for it," explains pixieish, sophisticated Suder, who's in the house tonight with her own blonde, doo-ragged darling, Azure. "It's being produced by this company called Green Couch Productions. Shatner was our pilot episode. He cooked some stew from Kentucky -- I can't remember what it's called. And we're going to have Dennis Rodman on, one of the actors from The Sopranos, and one of the people on Six Feet Under. "

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Stephen is a former staff writer and columnist at Phoenix New Times.
Contact: Stephen Lemons