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Cap'n Dave's letter
A PERSONAL MESSAGE TO NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE OWNERS FROM CAP'N DAVE We here in Phoenix are desperate for big-time football, and we'd be willing to do almost anything to get it. So I've taken time out of my busy schedule to put together this proposal, and I'm sending it to each one of you people while you're all together down in New Orleans during the Super Bowl. The least you can do now is take ten minutes to read it. How far will we go to get an NFL team?
Well, do you East Coast team owners need someone to mop up all that acid rain when it falls on your cities? We'll fly a bunch of our kids out to do it. You owners in the South need someone to chop down all the kudzu growing on telephone poles? Our senior citizens have all kinds of yard tools. On the West Coast, do you team owners have a problem with air pollution in your cities? We'd be willing to fly all of our mentally ill street people to you (we'll pay) to suck up all the pollutants. Clearly, we're ready to deal. Now, here are some of the details:
That's me. I write a column for a free weekly newspaper, so working capital probably will be a problem at first. But I've got several excellent financing plans in mind, and when the time comes, I'll have the jack.
Once I'm on my feet, I'll be a great owner. I'll buy drinks for fans when I see them in bars, and I won't charge too much for parking and for hot dogs at games. It'll be great.
We'll play all of our games at Phoenix Greyhound Park, 3801 East Washington.
I've got an innovative plan for this facility, which you can read about on the facing page. I think you'll find it, well, innovative. PLAYERS
Hundreds of two-legged elephants get cut from NFL teams every season. I'll hire them and pay them peanuts. They'll be thrilled to get a job that doesn't require checking IDs, and I'll get a football team, cheap. Don't expect a talent war from me. I want to be your friend.
Phoenix is made up of people who have been rejected by or who are fleeing from other major cities. The transient citizens of this town will take these mutt players to heart and cheer them on to near-victory after near-victory. TEAM MANAGEMENT
Over the years, I've met dozens of football experts in our city's many sports bars. I plan to put these swine to work right away, to run our scouting department and scheme our on-field strategy.
As for the corporate side, I plan to hire only the best executive material. Because of the current state of our economy, there are lots of bright management majors currently out there dispensing Slurpees. It is from this pool that I will form the core of our front office. After that, it'll be mostly drinking buddies and family members, which I understand is the normal management philosophy for NFL teams. PERSONAL MESSAGES FROM OTHER ARIZONA BIG SHOTS
Ladies and Gentlemen of the NFL:
As you gather in the Crescent City for your gala Super Bowl festivities, I hope you take a second to reflect on your obligation to cities and states that as yet have been unable to enjoy true professional football excitement. We here in Arizona believe that we are one of those states. I join with Cap'n Dave, one of our leading citizens, in encouraging the inclusion of our fine state in your league. Toward that end, I pledge to eliminate any financial or statutory roadblocks that may discourage you from considering immediate expansion. Just call one of my staff members and have them write it up, and then I'll sign it, and then it becomes law. It's easy.
As a token of my appreciation, I've enclosed an "official" Arizona key chain--made to resemble our state seal. I have one too!
'Bye now, Rose Mofford
Governor The State of Arizona
Dear NFL owners:
I join with all residents of our All-America City in wishing you the very best in Super Bowl weeks, as well as an enjoyable stay in the Crescent City. For you, this time is truly a time for celebration. Despite some adversity, the 1980s were years of tremendous prosperity for your league.
And they were for our city, too!
We've had terrific economic growth, a visionary public acceptance of foresightful civic projects such as mass transit and tax support for economic development of blighted areas of our city, a booming real estate market, and an exciting emphasis on preserving our pristine desert environment. All we really lack is a pro football team.