Lucifer's Lookyloos

Aside from the fetish festivities this evening, which I'll describe in a sec, Chasers in Scottsdale looks like everyone's friendly neighborhood dive, with pool tables for the cue-ballers, a low stage for musical acts, and an abundance of TV sets, which I'm guessing on most nights feature sporting events. But not this Saturday, baseball fans. Ce soir's "Club Hell" is all about the more salacious spectator sport of S&M, albeit set to an incessant, grinding industrial-noise soundtrack.

Various kinky video shenanigans are being screened in all their grody glory on those very same boob tubes. And unless you pluck your eyeballs from your skullys, like Uma Thurman did to Daryl Hannah in Kill Bill: Vol. 2, you're bound to be assaulted with the less-than-savory porno antics of some depressingly average fucks. This is exactly what the Jettster and I are enduring at this very moment as we attempt to obtain bevvies from our blessed barkeep.

"Uh, Kreme," mutters the bi-lovin' Meagan Good, peeping the nearest screen. "Is that woman trying to poop on that old dude?"

The Jettster's referring to the morbid mise en scène unfolding before us, apparently filmed at P-town's premier dungeon, Mistress Porsche Lynn's Den of Iniquity. On a couch is former porn star Lynn herself, dressed in pantyhose and little else. She's watching one of her fellow dominatrixes squatting over the face of some wrinkly, nekkid geezer -- prolly a banker in real life. Squatting chick is also nekkid, and making the sort of grimace that usually accompanies doing leg thrusts on the weight machine at your local gym. Fortunately, though, she ain't giving any backdoor births, if you feel me.

"Nah," I reply to my AC/DC adjutant. "I think she's going for number one, but I can't be sure."

Our jaws stay slack with horror as I collect my Crown 'n' Coke, and Jett does likewise with her vodka-T. Seems to me that if you plan to veer into the performance aspect of this particular genre and let your freak flag fly for the world to see, a somewhat slammin' bod should be a prerequisite. But if that booty be saggin' and them thunder thighs are coated in cottage cheese, keep that ish to yourself. Puh-lease! I state this as a man-boobed Fat Albert no one wants to see minus his muumuu. Fond of Snickers and Old Milwaukee? Then maybe you shouldn't be showing off your pimply backside to the public. Also, squalies starting their hot flashes and doods requiring that lil' blue stay-hard pill should keep it parked in the voyeur zone, for real.

These Den of Iniquity videos play on throughout the night, with Porsche at one point donning ye ol' strap-on, and going to town on Grandpa geezer, who reminds me of that little bald fella in reruns of The Benny Hill Show. Thankfully, the crowd in general is a lot more attractive than the video exhibitionists, and there are some truly mah-velous minxes in the mix. See, the night is the brain-abortion of DJs Nfin8 and Virgo, an attempted blend of scenes, crossing the AZ Fetish Ball with the more dance-oriented devotees of Sadisco. Actually, what's brought the J-girl and me out to this inaugural Club Hell is the fact that one of our all-time fave DJs, Shelley, a.k.a. ///she/// of Sadisco fame, will be on the decks, along with Nfin8, Virgo, and Blonde Noize, though not necessarily in that order.

At the moment, Shelley's spinning this dope track from drum and noise group Needle Sharing. Some folks are dancing, while a lot more are up around Chasers' stage, studying these three middle-aged broads tie each other up, pour hot wax over each other, and play with dildos. No way these mingas could make it as call girls, though they could certainly pass for Van Buren pre-ops on the ho stroll.

"This is nasty," gripes the J-Unit as one hella-heavy sista in dreads feels up this Bride of Stankenstein wanna-be. "I wouldn't do them with your crank, Kreme."

"Er, thanks, I think," I reply. "Anyway, you better go snap some pics, just in case anyone doubts my word regarding this train wreck."

Jett scoots up front to the action, while I hang back and scope the clubgoers, most of whom seem pretty cool, and certainly, more worthy of being ogled than the onstage performers. Next to me is this exotic, dark-haired witchy woman. Her name is Effie Bouras, a writer for mags Java and Desert Living, and an architect by trade. Seems she has degrees in engineering and architecture, and is currently working on her doctorate in urban planning from Arizona State University. This Canadian-born stunner easily must have the biggest brains in the club, without a doubt.

"So have you, like, helped design buildings 'n' stuff?" I ask.

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Stephen is a former staff writer and columnist at Phoenix New Times.
Contact: Stephen Lemons