The Bird observed all kinds of weirdness when it attended the massive march for immigration reform on Grand Avenue: white guys (from the news media) peeing in alleyways; illegal aliens (who're normally treated like vermin by Americans) waving U.S. flags; Mayor Phil Gordon.

But the strangest thing The Bird saw was Stephanie C. Harris, media coordinator for Mothers Against Illegal Aliens, bellowing racist dogma to a team of TV news crews. MAIA, the latest hate group to spring up in the war against our brown-skinned brethren, positioned itself near the Fox News camp (natch), but Harris' noisy nattering could be heard yards away. The Bird caught up with Harris the next day, and its ear-holes are still ringing.

"They break lots of laws once they get over here," Harris squawked to The Bird when it asked her what exactly was wrong with Mexicans. "They come in and take our jobs away from us. And so Americans can't feed their kids because people are hiring illegals to do all the work."

It's our American kids, according to Harris, who're bearing the brunt of the horror that illegal Mexican immigrants bring to our, um, shiny, clean country. That's because teachers are forced to slow lessons down in order to cater to kids who don't speak English. Homework's being sent home in English and Spanish, Harris claims, and (horrors!) the Pledge of Allegiance is being said in Spanish.

"The blond-haired, blue-eyed American kid has to wear baggy clothes and dye his hair brown because otherwise the Mexicans will beat him up," Harris crowed. "And these kids are all getting free lunches when the American kids don't. Our kids have no future."

According to Harris' illogic, the problem of crowded-out white kids is made worse because these dang Mexicans just keep popping out more babies who will crowd Whitey's rightful place in the lunch line.

"When the government told Americans we had to go to zero population, we obeyed -- let's don't talk about Mormons or Catholics -- and now educated white people have maybe two kids," Harris explained to this baffled beaker. "But these illegals come here with their Catholic culture, and they have a bunch of babies and they can't afford them. They're breeding like rabbits! Then they go on food stamps and welfare, and Americans have to pay for that."

Although Harris swears she'd welcome immigrants who want to come to our country legally, she also says stuff like, "Why should America be bicultural? The illegals and their supporters say they're all for unification, but trust me on this, the Mexicans don't care about unification. They only care about bringing Mexico to America."

When The Bird mentioned to Harris that the recent mega-march (which this fake fowl's happy to report had neither an official name, a fancy logo nor a souvenir tee shirt) was routed past its own nest, Harris said: "Well, I hope you went inside and locked the doors! You never know what those criminals are gonna pull."

A few days before the march, Harris sent a letter to Governor Janet Napolitano demanding that the good guv call out the National Guard to protect the poor, maligned white man. Harris wasn't all that surprised when Janet didn't respond.

"Of course she's not gonna do anything to protect us, because the government wouldn't pay for it. But the joke's on her: The people in government think they're gonna get votes from illegals by supporting the illegals, but these are people who can't legally vote [since they all look alike to her, she obviously didn't notice that a goodly portion of the Latinos involved in the big demonstration were legal residents registering to vote along the route]. And they won't bother to vote once they are American citizens [she and Congressman J.D. Hayworth certainly hope they won't], although they will definitely cheat and lie and steal identities like they do all the time."

Whatever you do, don't call Stephanie Harris a racist.

"Listen, I'm a better merengue dancer than the people coming across our border," she hollered, when The Bird dared to suggest that maybe she doesn't care about kids so much as she just hates Hispanics. "I love the Mexican heritage, but . . . if there were 20 million Chinese coming over our border, do you think the Mexicans would agree with that? No. Because the Chinese would come in and take their jobs. Mexicans don't care about immigration reform, they want Mexican immigration reform. And I want them to go back where they came from."

All right, then. Harris claimed her organization, headquartered here, has a sizable membership (well, it's got a Web site, anyway: Harris maintained that she and Michelle Dallacrose ("She's an Air Force vet, I'm a Minutewoman!") started the national movement.

KEEP PHOENIX NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Robrt L. Pela has been a weekly contributor to Phoenix New Times since 1991, primarily as a cultural critic. His radio essays air on National Public Radio affiliate KJZZ's Morning Edition.
Contact: Robrt L. Pela