TLC's newest babe-cop reality show, Police Women of Maricopa County, aired its second episode last night, and if you're a fan of bad attitudes, blatant disrespect, and an awful use of police resources, the show didn't disappoint.
Let's get this week's review started with a look at Kelly Bocardo, whose level of bitchiness when dealing with the public seems to set the tone for the entire show.
Bocardo's first appearance on this week's show attempts to show off her supercop instincts as she disavows the word of a security guard who tells her that the man he has detained is not the suspect police were pursuing in a robbery investigation.
As the guy is casually seated on the curb, showing no apparent desire to flee and doing nothing more than cooperating, Bocardo almost dares him to run by saying: "Don't run, or I'm gonna tase you."
Using a rare brand of cop-logic, which we couldn't completely understand, the buxom Bocardo determines -- despite the security guard, who was on scene well before Bocardo, telling her the man in custody wasn't the right guy -- he was in fact the man she was looking for and took him into custody.
In Bacardo's second appearance on last night's show, she responds to a car accident, where, at this point, her discourteous demeanor can no longer be explained away as a heinous case of the monthlies.
While responding to the accident, Bocardo walks up to an ambulance, where one of the victims is being held on a gurney.
After asking the victim a few questions and getting little response, Bocardo turns from the ambulance, looks in the camera and says, "Woo, that driver is out of it."
As was later explained in the show, "that driver" likely had brain damage and was probably going to die.
Bocardo then tells the camera crew it was probably the victim's husband's fault that the woman was going to die, just before telling the husband essentially the same thing as he waited at the scene of the accident.
Then there's Detective Deb Moyer, who entered this week's show by arresting a guy in front of his 4-year-old daughter, in the man's home, on a bad-check warrant.
As the girl sits crying while Moyer slaps the pink cuffs on her father, Moyer realizes there would be nobody there to look after the kid if she hauled the father away, so she called the man's wife, who was at work, and forces her to come home.
After searching the suspect, Moyer finds the man has some meth in his pocket.
After a brief Dog the Bounty Hunter-esque morality lecture, Moyer tells the man's wife "he had a warrant, but that's the least of his worries now."
We don't condone meth use, particularly when you have a kid, but the guy wasn't high, he wasn't hurting anyone, and came across as a level-headed, caring father, who had a tiny baggy of meth in his back pocket, which never would have been found if the Gestapo hadn't barged in his house serving a warrant for a bad check.
Moyer wasn't done there.
While serving a warrant to a guy who wasn't paying his child support, the suspect ran when he saw Moyer's car. The man ran into a garage and hid, so, of course it was necessary to bring in about eight other officers, "secure a perimeter" around the building, where the suspect was believed to be hiding, and send in a police dog.
As Moyer and four portly officers creeped around one side of the building, they loaded up their pepperball guns and busted into the building.
After screaming at the deadbeat dad, who is now hiding from the SWAT-style invasion under some plywood, the man surrenders and puts his hands in the air.
That's about the same time officers started shooting him with the pepperball guns, seemingly just for kicks.
In yet another Moyer-ific moment from last night's show, she got to play negotiator with a guy who had barricaded himself in his apartment and fired a shot out the window.
Unfortunately, Moyer must really suck at negotiating because after calling in the SWAT team, which surrounded the entire building, and sending in a bomb squad robot to get a visual on the man, the guy blew his brains out.
There is a breath of fresh air in the Maricopa County Sheriff's Office, though, and her name is Amie Duong.
Duong was called to the scene of a dispute between two drunk brothers, who had apparently gotten into a fight.
Duong, alone, bravely enters the disgusting shanty the two men shared and had as level-headed a conversation with an extremely drunk 50-year-old man that anyone could possibly have.
Duong politely explained to the man that she was alone and that she didn't mean to be disrespectful but she would feel more comfortable if the man were handcuffed as they talked.
The drunk man, recognizing her civility, cooperated and cuffed up, at which point Duong said "thank you for being cooperative; I appreciate that."
We thought someone had accidentally changed the channel.
Our favorite moment of last night's episode is compliments of Deputy Lindsey Smith.
Smith found herself in an argument with the mother of a suspect she was arresting. After everything had calmed down, Smith was recapping the arrest to the camera and when she got to the part about the mother, she used this little gem, circa-1984: "This is an A to B conversation, lady, C your way out."
Don't tune in next week, but check back to Valley Fever, where we watch it so you don't have to.