Springtime for Hitters

Page 3 of 3

* If you want to catch a foul ball--and I certainly don't endorse this kind of thing--you should position yourself above the stands and Batting 1.000 User's Guide

Basically what I've done here is ramble on at great length about all of the Cactus League ballparks. Most of what I've written is pure opinion and/or obvious satire, which the Supreme Court has found to be a coupla wholly protected kindza speech. Fortunately for the reading public, most editors are somewhat less liberal than the high justices on this point, but with any luck at all, I'll be able to sneak most of this backwash past the honchos here.

Each big section is broken up into smaller sections, where I talk about stadium specifics, parking, navigation and pre- and post-game entertainment options. I've left off all of the addresses to the bars and restaurants I mention to A) attempt to disguise the blatantly commercial nature of this project and B) keep things moving. Detailed stuff like phone numbers and addresses always slow me down. Plus, there's got to be something for the gals at the front desk to do besides pop their gum and ogle the delivery boys. I just hand them a list of five or six businesses, and, six weeks later, as if by magic, they've looked up the addresses. So, buried somewhere near the back of this section you'll find a list of the joints mentioned inside. I believe you will find them all to be pretty good. Also littered throughout this baby you will find little snippets of real journalism--actual miniature profiles on spring training's more interesting characters. These profiles include stats, facts, various data and true quotes, which I obtained by doing real interviews. I did this not only because it's as impressive as heck to the Pulitzer committee, but because I really want you to like me.

See, I figure if I can make you like me, eventually I can maybe make you see things my way in regards to a certain former National League first baseman who may or may not be the Antichrist. Which is, after all, my ultimate goal in life.

Enjoy yourself, people, and watch out for foul tips. Oh, one final thought: When you're weary and feeling low, when the credit-card companies are calling at seven every morning, when your boss can't help but weep when he sees you come into the office, just remind yourself of this one simple fact: Steve Garvey's last wife left him for Marvin Hamlisch. It's a wonderful life, isn't it?

KEEP PHOENIX NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Cap'n Dave