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| Lists |

The 10 Cities That Make Phoenix Look Like Paradise

One thing we know about the chilly winter weather in metro Phoenix this morning. It won't last. It'll be 70 again before you know it — in February. 

Which is to say that visitors from other parts of the country will discover what the rest of us already know: It's great living here! In fact, many of these visitors will like it so much that they'll pack up and move to the Valley of the Sun. This isn't one of the fastest-growing U.S. metro areas because living here sucks.

Read on to find out which former hometowns make our desert metropolis look like paradise:  

10) Chicago

Freezing your ass off half the year, getting it shot at the other half.

9) Portland

Portlandia's not far off the mark: Ridiculously eccentric denizens make this city one to flee.

8) New York City

Aggro jerks. Plus, it's either private school or the kid hangs out in subway tunnels.

7) Houston

Flat, soulless, full of snake-infested flood-control ditches — and it ain't a dry heat.

6) Los Angeles

All the culture you want in return for six hours of daily drive time, breathing foul air, and swimming with garbage.

5) Miami

Hotter than Phoenix — because of freaking humidity you can cut with a knife — and the mosquito is the city bird.

4) Boston

It's wicked hahd to pahk da cahr in tempuhchas like dis. We're not sure whether folks are fleeing the snowy Eastern Seaboard winter this year — or the native accent.

3) New Orleans

When the wind shifts, you can smell the swamp through the stench of booze and bodily fluids.

2) San Francisco

Self-righteous liberals. So many panhandlers, you can hire one to watch your parking spot all day. Did we mention earthquakes.

1) Pittsburgh

Obnoxious sports fans, a city where the good-looking people are missing only one or two front teeth. Yinz know what we're talking about!

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