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Tranny Tweeter

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"I know there are transgendered people in there, patronizing it regularly, his establishment," Holdren assured me. "He [Anderson] just doesn't know."

So if transgenders are still showing up at Anderson's, what the hell is this contrived controversy all about, and why is the AG's office involved? This cormorant's cool with gays, lesbians, bisexuals, trannies, folks into S&M, talon fetishists, you name it. But if some dood's in a dress in a straight club and he wants the right to pee upright in the ladies' W.C., then he's crossed a line even this debauched duck can't defend.

SOVIET P-TOWN

Ever wonder what it would be like to live in the bad old Soviet Union, where the only people you could vote for were those chosen by the state? Dictatorship of the proletariat, this Tsarist saddlebill remembers it being called in history class. Well, you don't have to use your imagination anymore, folks. You're living smack dab in something similar, courtesy of Comrade Phil Gordon and his army of city apparatchiks.

See, ol' Philly Cheesesteak's been afraid of one, and only one, man in the mayoral contest — the Rev. Jarrett Maupin, who at the tender age of 20 has already garnered oodles of enthusiasm among Phil's fellow Dems. Following the revelation that Goober Gordon had endorsed Republican John McCain for president, Goober's practically been persona non grata at lefty events. At the Maricopa County Democratic Convention, his speech received only polite applause, with at least one Dem confronting Phil on the matter before Hizzoner skedaddled. Maupin followed Goober on the stand, and fired up the crowd of precinct leaders with a rip-roarin' speech lambasting Phil, as was described in a previous column by this partridge ("Run, Goober, Run," July 5, 2007).

Subsequently, Maupin received the endorsement of the local Progressive Democrats of America, and the Rev's big, gold and maroon signs were popping up all over PHX. Phil must've been peein' his pantaloons.

Despite his incumbency and his million-dollar war chest, Goober was encountering opposition. But this race was supposed to be a cakewalk for Fast Money Phil, a landslide that'd bolster his claim on the governorship when the time came.

Then on July 5, Phil's Deputy Chief of Staff Bill Scheel met with Maupin in the offices of State Senator Leah Landrum Taylor. During the odd huddle, Scheel spoke of the need to groom new city council candidates, and how one way to do this would be to have prospective city pols serve on various public committees in order to learn the ropes. Scheel gave Maupin his card, and Maupin said that he believed an "offer" had been made, an offer Maupin rejected.

As reported first in the Feathered Bastard blog, Gordon's campaign challenged Maupin's signatures almost as soon as the Rev submitted them. Now, challenging sigs is sometimes routine, but the circumstances in this case were not routine. Maupin submitted nearly 4,000 signatures to the city clerk's office on deadline, Friday, July 13, at 4:55 p.m., according to the timestamp on his paperwork. You need 1,500 valid sigs to qualify for the mayoral ballot, and Goober had someone present waiting for Maupin to file, according to City Clerk Mario Paniagua. Goober's campaign spent the weekend poring over the signatures, and then challenged just about everything they could, asking that whole pages of sigs be disqualified because some of those soliciting the sigs were allegedly felons who'd not had their rights restored. Also, there were quibbles about handwriting, lack of ZIP codes, wrong addresses, and so on. Ultimately, only 1,409 sigs were found acceptable by the City Clerk, 91 short of the number needed to allow Maupin to qualify for the ballot.

On August 6, Maupin sued the city, saying there was plenty of evidence to show that he had the 91 sigs needed, and that some of the "felons" listed had their rights restored, thus the sigs they solicited should not be thrown out. Maupin's lawyer, Republican John Acer, argued Gordon had received an unfair advantage in the process.

Judge Peter Swann ultimately ruled that the clock had run out and ballots had already been printed, so he dismissed the case on the grounds of "mootness," stating that the court, "makes no finding concerning the underlying merits of Maupin's claim."

As this feathered fiend's column goes to press, Maupin has promised an appeal to the Arizona Supreme Court, and City Clerk Paniagua has told this toucan that the deadline has passed for Maupin to be an official write-in candidate. The fix is in, just like it was for decades back in the USSR. There is another candidate on the ballot, Steve Lory, but though a nice guy, he lacks the fire in the belly Maupin possesses, and Goober's happy to have Lory as a straw man. If ever the Rev could use a miracle, now's the time. Otherwise, we're stuck with phony Phil Gordon for another four.

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Stephen is a former staff writer and columnist at Phoenix New Times.
Contact: Stephen Lemons