Listen, if you or your kids are tired of getting rusty pennies and Bashas' apples while trick-or-treating close to home, then spend Halloween night this year hitting up Phoenix's ritzy neighborhoods for the really good stuff.
Um, we left out Paradise Valley locales, because we don't want your children blocked by high fences and locked gates, questioned by armed security police, attacked by guard dogs, insulted by old men in silk robes, or lost along pitch-dark thoroughfares sans streetlights.
Okay, so here are our favorite Phoenix neighborhoods where high-income locals live, 'hoods that will give you and yours the best chance of scoring the most-excellent sweet treats possible this Saturday night:
10.) Biltmore Heights
You've gotta have a truckload of cash to live near the Arizona Biltmore hotel so load up a truckload of kids, take them here, and sic them on these tycoons.
9.) Ahwatukee Foothills Village
According to local legend, "Ahwatukee" means "the land on the other side of the hill," translating to it's literally the opposite of South Phoenix, income-wise and otherwise. These Mr. and Mrs. Richfields ain't buying their Halloween candy at Walmart so....
8.) Pyle Estates
Downtowners, this one's for you. These denizens tend to be loaded. So expect loads of expensive dark chocolate, or at least.the jumbo Hershey's products.
7.) Desert Hills
For those way too far up north (anywhere near Anthem), we've found the target for you. Improve the candy haul for you and yours in this well-heeled burb.
6.) Camelback Mountain Estates
Anything with Estates in its title is a good bet, but this neck of the city is sure to hand over quality candy bars and some of what you see below, which you can bet will be bought at a high-end candy store.
5.) Camelback Sierra
Trust us, this neighborhood is s great destination for a throng of children headed for a sugar high. But it's obvious at this point — if you trick-or-treat around Camelback Mountain, you're gonna make out like a bandit (it's just a figure of speech!).
Up to north, north Phoenix, where I'll eat your hat (if its made of candy corn) if you don't come away satisfied from this high-end haven.
3.) Ahwatukee Foothills Preserve
While the Foothills Preserve at the sprawling edge of the community isn't where the area's richest folks live (see next entry), it should provide plenty of quality treats without need to trick.
2.) Ahwatukee's Mountain Park Ranch
For a real bounty of candyosity go to where Tukee's richest residents hole up: the more-expansive Mountain Park Ranch neighborhood, a collection of nine different sub-communities where you will never run out of soft touches.
Encanto's home to St. Mary's High School and the Phoenix Country Club, neither of which your family members attend, so you downtowners hit up these highfalutin folks for the really good shit.
Keep Phoenix New Times Free... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Phoenix with no paywalls.