Guilty Pleasures

Pizza Hut's Hot Dog Bites Pizza Is the Worst

The Guilty Pleasure: Hot Dog Bites Pizza
Where to Get It: Pizza Hut
Price: $11.99
What it Really Costs: Your faith in the future of food (and humanity)

Let’s get right to the point. Pizza Hut’s Hot Dog Bites Pizza is one of the worst things we’ve ever eaten.

It pains us to say this because Pizza Hut happens to be our preferred cheap national pizza chain. The pain doesn’t stop there, though, because we’ve read a few reviews in which people actually enjoyed this pizza.

Enough discussion of emotional pain caused by this monstrosity. It’s time to talk about the damage it does to your tastebuds.

To be clear, the pizza is fine. We opted for pepperoni (because why wouldn’t you get pepperoni?) and went with the salted pretzel crust (again, because why not?) instead of the standard pizza dough.

We fully admit that maybe one of those two options was where we went wrong, but neither the pizza nor the crust was bad in any way. Maybe the hot dog bites are more tolerable when not wrapped in salted pretzel deliciousness. Maybe the run-of-the-mill pepperoni clashes with the disgustingly low-quality weiners. We’ll never know, because there’s no chance we’re ever ordering Hot Dog Bites Pizza again.
Before we attempt to describe the rubbery, borderline gag-worthy hot dog bites, we should point out that after eating a few of them, we determined that they were really ruining what was a perfectly good pizza and began removing them from their pretzel containers. We tried eating them with the pizza (which was absolutely horrid) and separate from the pizza (basically the worst hors d’oeuvres ever), and came to the realization that they were better off in the trash than in anyone’s digestive tract.

You know those super-gross hot dogs you see at 7-Eleven at like 4 a.m. when all you really want is a bag of chips and a Chocodile? If you shrunk those down to the size of a chubby toddler’s fingers and wrapped them in cheap pretzel dough, that’s what you’d have.

The hot dog bites are tough, slimy, salty, and generally have that raunchy taste that’s only found in plane food and really terrible hot dogs. For that matter, the hot dog on Carl’s Jr,’s Most American Thickburger actually looks like a gourmet sausage compared to the mystery meat thrown around the edges of Pizza Hut’s Hot Dog Bites Pizza.

We won’t stop eating Pizza Hut because of it, and maybe we just got a particularly foul one, but the Hot Dog Bites Pizza has few rivals for worst pizza invention ever in the cheap chain pizza world.

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Josh Chesler
Contact: Josh Chesler