If there is one thing we learned from last night's episode of Police Women of Maricopa County it's that if someone steals a Playstation game from you, you apparently have the right to beat the ever-loving shit out of them.
Viewers followed Deputy Lindsey Smith in last night's show as she responded to the call of a 17-year-old kid, who had just been beaten up by two of his friends because they suspected him of stealing one of their Playstation games.
The kid, whose face was swollen and bleeding, tells Smith the story of how he received his injuries and she dispatched other officers to go look for the suspects.
Using her super-keen cop-wit (a.k.a. her nose), Smith determines that the kid's breath smells like booze and starts hassling the bleeding minor about drinking.
The kid eventually comes clean and gives Smith the infamous "I had two beers" excuse. That's when a seemingly serious assault case, where the kid was the bloody victim, shifted gears and became an investigation into what the minor really had been drinking.
Important stuff, we know.
Meanwhile, other officers tracked down the suspects in the assault of the kid and got the whole story behind the injuries.
Apparently the kid had, in fact, stolen a Playstation game from two brothers and after they caught him, they beat the crap out of him.
After the bleeding kid admits to stealing the game, a male deputy gets in his blood-covered face and screams: "You're wasting my time, kid, and it's starting to piss me off."
Then the bleeding minor was cuffed and taken to jail as the two boys who assaulted him walked away scot-free.
"He was acting like a real victim -- playing it up big-time," says Smith after the bust.
Um, he wasn't "playing" anything -- he got the crap kicked out of him and called police, which apparently was a big mistake.
The next segment featured Deputy Kelly Bocardo as she trolled the parking lots of Valley bars to "make sure nobody's actin' a fool."
Bocardo came across a bar owner, who claimed that a drunk patron -- angry with bar staff -- walked out of her bar and jumped on the hood of her car.
The woman claimed the suspect then went to another bar across the street, so Bocardo tracked the man down for one of her patented "ass-whoopings."
After proving the man was the culprit by comparing his boot to a footprint on the hood of the victim's car, Bocardo reflected on her work.
"My job was well done because I got my suspect, and he's going to jail tonight," Bocardo brags.
Case closed. Maricopa County is now a safer place because the footprint bandit is behind bars, where he will be decked out in some nice, pink undies -- which brings us to Deputy Amie Duong.
Duong was shown visiting a class of second-graders, who asked a very appropriate question "why are your handcuffs pink?"
Duong explained to the tykes that "these handcuffs are pink because Sheriff Joe likes pink and likes to put bad guys in pink."
The always-respectful Duong made the only serious bust of the whole show, when the passenger in a DUI traffic stop turned out to be wanted for murder.
The show -- as a whole -- wasn't nearly as (ahem) exciting as some of the ladies' prior performances, but luckily, Detective Deb Moyer was able to spice things up a bit when she decided to give a suspect wanted for an outstanding traffic ticket a little lesson in r-e-s-p-e-c-t.
After telling the suspect -- a sobbing, middle-aged woman -- that she would be confiscating her truck, Moyer ask the woman to give her the keys to the vehicle. The woman threw the keys on the ground, which caused Moyer to have a shit-fit.
"Pick them up for me," Moyer whined like a baby. "You could have seriously hit me in the face."
Meanwhile, a male officer decided he had seen enough and tells the sobbing woman "I've made up my mind, you're going to jail."
Well played -- we can't have middle-aged women with outstanding traffic tickets running amok on Valley streets. Throw away the key, if ya ask us.
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Then Moyer gave her lecture.
"You respect authority -- that's the way I was raised," Moyer says. "I don't know what the hell some of these people are thinking."
Here's what we're thinking, Deb, in case you're interested: you and your band of thugs patrol this county like maniacs -- arresting good people for trivial crimes and treating them like dirt when you haul them away in pink handcuffs. Excuse us if you don't hear a lot of "yes ma'am, no ma'am."
Don't tune in next week but check back to Valley Fever, where we watch it so you don't have to.