Warped Tour returns to the valley in a few hours, officially kicking things off at Quail Run Park in Mesa at noon. There are a few familiar names on the line up, but the onslaught of bands with colors and violent subject matter in their names is a little overwhelming.
Don't fret: Before you waste precious energy checking out bands and actually spending time to discover what they have to offer, we've made a bunch of snap judgments for you. Without any further ado, here are extremely quick reviews of 12 Warped Tour bands whose names are also (almost) sentences.
August Burns Red Assumption: sounds like an ode to a house fire that happened as a child, or perhaps the band really likes The Hunt for Red October. By name alone, this sounds like the type of band that fantasizes about touring with Bright Eyes. The Reality: pop-punk guitar riffs with a double kick drum and lots of screaming. "Fault Line" doesn't have a whiny vocalist to offset the screams, so they may not be all that bad.
Beebs and Her Money Makers Assumption: Female Justin Bieber with a backing band, or what would happen if Carly Rae Jepsen fronted Fitz and the Tantrums. The Reality: Kind of sounds like Dresden Dolls. This is definitely not the typical Warped Tour band.
Beware of Darkness Assumption: Black metal offer-your-soul-to-Satan kind of stuff. The Reality: Trying way too hard to be like Black Sabbath.
Blessthefall Assumption: Metalcore jams for Jesus. The Reality: How can a guy in a Minor Threat shirt make such whiny music?
Bring Me the Horizon Assumption: Guys dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow that sing about the pirate life, mateys. The Reality: Kids with asymmetrical haircuts will be doing spin kicks.
Crown the Empire Assumption: a bunch of Brits who really love the queen. The Reality: The top YouTube video has an advertisement for Hot Topic. The singer is super-whiny, then starts growling. The video is worth checking out if only to see a girl dramatically knock over a plate of onions in slow motion.
Forever the Sickest Kids Assumption: faux-gangster white kids. The Reality: The "Shut the Front Door" music video is a nod to Office Space, which is pretty cool, but the second the singer starts singing, it gets terrible. Whiny pop punk at its worst.
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I See Stars Assumption: Some derivative of "-core" that results in fans wearing themselves out. Or major fans of the Canadian band Stars. The Reality: I've finally found a band as bad as Brokencyde, only it sounds like Skrillex provided the electronic backing. This is the epitome of "so bad, it's good."
Like Moths to Flames Assumption: This would be a cool name for an intense post-rock band. A Like Moths to Flames/Explosions in the Sky double billing sounds good on paper. The Reality: double kick drum + jumping and headbanging.
Sleeping With Sirens Assumption: It's hard to tell if these guys have a mermaid fetish or if they're just really heavy sleepers. The Reality: The singer sounds like he's constantly receiving a swift kick to the balls.
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The Black Dahlia Murder Assumption: Metal dudes who occasionally slice their faces open to seem legit. The Reality: I'm not sure about the face-slicing, but the music is pretty brutal.
We Came as Romans Assumption: ...and left as Greeks? Also sounds like a run-of-the-mill screamo band. The Reality: Nailed it.