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BroLoaf's 5th Annual Patriotic Meltdown - Yucca Tap Room - 7/4/2014

BroLoaf's 5th Annual Patriotic Meltdown Yucca Tap Room Friday, July 4, 2014 Most Tempe residents flocked to Tempe Beach Park to watch fireworks on Fourth of July, which is a shame, because they missed out on a massive party at Yucca Tap Room. BroLoaf returned for its 5th annual Fourth of July Party and fought terrorists, won a wrestling tournament, and partied with Hillary Clinton and Captain America. Better yet, there was free "cocaine" and enough Pabst Blue Ribbon for everyone!

A BroLoaf show is performance art. You'll hear roughly an hour of fast punk songs about partying, Scottsdale culture, and douchey behavior, but that's the fun of it. Listening to a BroLoaf song on its own sounds like a humble brag (see "your girlfriend comes home with me" in "Champions on Parade"), but it all comes together in the live show, which is kind of like a play, only you're going to go home drenched in beer and sweat. There's really no "safe" place at a BroLoaf show, you're going to go home needing a shower, period.

BroLoaf's Fifth Annual Patriotic Meltdown had all of the staples of a Fourth of July party. There was a barbeque in the parking lot -- yes, the food was free, and sparklers and bottle rockets were regularly set off, weather permitting. Plus, most fans inevitably had one hell of a hangover on July 5.

BroLoaf's patriotic spirit was clear from the get go, as the Yucca Tap Room stage was covered in multiple American flags, a Gadsden flag, and a Marine Corps Flag. No piece of entertainment is complete without the "Star Spangled Banner," so "Kid Cock Rock" obliged with a solo performance.

BroLoaf played a few songs before bringing out singer Ben Brah, who wore a prisoner's uniform, and was escorted in by a police officer and Detective Lancer, who is hellbent on putting an end to BroLoaf's party. Naturally, Lancer was booed off stage, and BroLoaf was able to party uninterrupted until the terrorists came, but more on that later.

Relieved to have the cops off their backs, BroLoaf had the crowd line up for beer bongs. Word about the party traveled fast, "Hillary Clinton" showed up part way through the set to join in. Fun fact about Hillary -- she loves cocaine. Unlike most cokeheads, she was more than willing to share. How's that for securing votes?

Vocalist Bromeister Doucheington III, esquire (or "Steve" for short) showed his admiration for the Statue of Liberty by performing cunnilingus.

While Steve got down with Lady Liberty, Ben Brah reappeared in a luchador mask, which worked out in his favor, because a group of terrorists and an alien showed up to ruin BroLoaf's fun. Sound familiar? One of the terrorists was Detective Lancer in disguise. He said he befriended the terrorists because they also hate having fun.

Defeating the terrorists was no easy task, but fortunately, BroLoaf has many friends. Captain America appeared just in the nick of time to give the terrorists what for. The real hero was Ben Brah, who was awarded BroLoaf's official World Party Champion belt as a thank you.

BroLoaf succeeded in the defeat of the terrorists and party poopers of the world, making Yucca Tap Room a safe place to snort cocaine with Hillary Clinton -- which is every American's god-given right. Critic's Notebook:

Last Night: BroLoaf at Yucca Tap Room.

The Crowd: Lots of burly guys in black T-shirts wearing silly things like giant BroLoaf hats for good measure.

Personal Bias: There ain't no party like a BroLoaf party.

One More Thing: I'm always scared of driving home after a BroLoaf show. I was covered in confetti and reeked of beer. Imagine trying to explain that to a cop.

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