I missed Sound Wave, so my Saturday was not spent doing ecstasy in a drained swimming pool. Sad face. I also missed Justin Bieber's concert, which totally blows because he threw up, guys! He threw up on stage in front of hundreds of people and now millions of people will watch the video on YouTube and I missed it. Saddest face.
So instead, I watched Katy Perry's tour documentary Part of Me. The suggestion came from fellow New Times blogger and photographer Melissa Fossum, after she read my column on Katy Perry's terrible sex advice.
Like I told Fossum, I couldn't do this sober in the least, so I loaded up on lots of vodka, rum and cheap beer, turning this spectacle into a drinking ... activity. I hesitate to use the word "game," because this soon became a form of ethanol-based torture. And the Katy Perry Part of Me Drinking Thing™ was born!
HOW TO PLAY
Drink every time:
- The "American Dream" or "Believe in Yourself" is mentioned. - Katy talks about her boobs or her ass. - Katy prays or mentions Jesus. - The camera zooms in on Katy's cleavage for no reason. - The camera flashes back to some stupid home movie. - Katy slaps a new piece of candy on her tits.
Bonus: Whenever Katy cries, you must chug, chug, chug!
Since misery loves company, I invited a few friends over and we tested this game for you. I can't vouch for accuracy. I mean, I was drunk. Warning: This is not for the faint of liver.
Drinks 1 - 4: The movie opens with 12-year old kids (and a few sad, lonely adults) speaking into webcams about how Katy Perry inspires them. Gag. It isn't even two minutes before there's a gratuitous ass shot. Backstage, teams of makeup artists work overtime on Katy's face to make her look like she isn't wearing makeup.
Katy was setting up the stage for her California Dreams Tour, which instantly reminded me of that other Girl Power tour documentary I once saw. What was it called? Oh yeah, Michael Jackson's This Is It!
Drinks 5 - 7: Katy will not shut up about how this is a dream come true for her. Her tits have peppermints plastered on them that spin.
Interviews of kids on the street, who were incoherent. "It was like I was shot with an arrow of Katy Perry-ness." What.
Katy Perry does a few meet-and-greets backstage and freaks out after touching a pregnant woman. There's a two-second shot of a purple furry thing. What the fuck was that?
Drinks 8 - 11: Russell Brand does a fabulous job of keeping his head turned away from the camera in every single fucking scene he's in. He doesn't make any jokes or do anything but kiss Katy and then take her to his hotel room. Wanker.
Katy is on stage again and she's obviously lip-syncing parts of the show, at least when she isn't changing clothes. I once saw Weird Al and he changed costumes a lot, but that makes sense because he's making fun of dozens of musicians. When Katy changes outfits over and over, it just makes her seem like a girl with a closet packed with more clothes than a third world country and still whines about having nothing to wear.
Katy's dancers have all the cold and calculated choreography of a "Dance Dance Revolution" avatar. Katy's stylist has her lyrics tattooed to his arm. This makes me want to sob.
That furry purple thing came back for a split second. Seriously, what the fuck is that?
Drinks 12 - 21: Katy visits her grandma, who says funny things like "Katy is a show-off" and "woe is me!" I like Katy's grandma. Then we see Katy's dad screaming into a microphone at a group of people seated in rows. I think they call this "preaching," but it's not like any church I've ever been to.
Interviews with Katy's siblings reveal a lot about her background. She was raised in a strict (a better word would be "totalitarian") Pentecostal household, her father being a pastor. As David Hudson pointed out, a lot was restricted in the home, including watching The Smurfs, Alice in Wonderland and The Wizard of Oz. Lucky Charms cereal were also forbidden because "luck is of the Devil."
This all makes sense now! Katy Perry was denied candy as a child and now she's acting out. This explains why all she wants to talk about is sex and dum dum pops after being sheltered from this her entire life. Man, Freud would have a field day with this bimbo.
I'm not a parent, but covering your kids eyes wherever they go probably doesn't give them the set of social skills they need for the rest of their life. Teach your children to make reasonable choices, not avoid anything that looks suspicious and I bet you'll get a lot less of this "rebel phase" bullshit.
Drinks 22 - 26: I'm feeling woozy. We're now learning that Katy's biggest is idol is Alanis Morissette. I want to gag myself, but drink more instead. We meet Katy's producer Glen Ballard and he explains how Katy went from being a really terrible rip-off of Avril Lavigne to a Willy Wonka fetishist.
Katy's backup dancers are wearing purple thongs and doing some sort of interpretative gay dance.
Drinks 27 - 31: We're watching as Katy Perry gets dropped from label after label. It's kind of humbling to see that she's struggled in her life, even just a little bit. I'm starting to relate to her and hey, maybe I'd actually be able to have a decent conversation with her. She is kind of cute.
Fuck, that's the beer talking! I gotta remember that she went to Capitol Records and they're the bad guys in DiG! so Katy is more like an anti-hero if not a villain.
Katy sings a slow, salsa version of "I Kissed A Girl." She's actually got quite a voice when it isn't so manufactured and sickly sweet.
Fucking beer! Stop making me think these things! Thankfully the song quickly returns to its sleazy and hyperactive style.
Drinks 32 - 36: Katy Perry kisses Whoopi Goldberg. I did not know Goldberg was a lesbian and get ridiculed for this by everyone in the room. We take a smoke break and listen to "Gangnam Style."
Katy does more meet-and-greets, meeting a Make A Wish kid who apparently really wanted to meet Katy. This make me sad on so many levels. The humor is returned when Katy meets an obese man in a leotard and that fucking purple furry thing returns. It dances for longer than two seconds this time and makes me choke on my drink. It's like if the McDonald's mascot Grimace was run over and left out in the rain. Ugh.
Why are they playing M83 songs in this movie? Is nothing sacred?
To prove that Katy Perry is just like you and me, she makes a few fart jokes and demonstrates that she eats lower-class food like Taco Bell and pizza. But Katy is blessed with some magical way to not get fat from this shit, unlike you.
Drinks 37 - um, 40, maybe 41: Katy Perry makes a breakthrough! She's gonna be rich and famous and stuff! Of course this has nothing to do with the vast array of resources at Katy's disposal, thanks to being signed to a major label. No, I'm sure that it's all about how talented she is, not how she was marketed. The reason she never made a breakthrough before is probably because ... Hmmm... Whatever, more beer.
Her song about how date rape is fun ("Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)") plays in the background. "Peacock," where Perry sings about want to peep at some dude's penis, is also censored. I expected that in this movie - there would be a huge emphasis on the songs that are fun and free, but Katy's vulgar songs about touching tons of cocks, getting trashed and then forgetting everything are whitewashed over. In the next scene, a five year old kid will gush about how he wants to be like Katy when he grows up. Yikes.
Even Katy's parents are mum on the issue. They make appearances again, but this time they're dressed with heavy gold crosses and much nicer clothes than from the home video reels. It's so strange and hypocritical for them to raise their kids shielded from pop culture, but be perfectly fine with Katy being a drunken slut on MTV. That money must talk a lot louder than Jesus.
Drinks 40-something to 40-something else: Katy starts to break up with Russell Brand. It's about fucking time! Their entire relationship consisted of three minute intervals where Brand hid his face, kissed Katy and then wandered off. Even Katy's encounter with Whoopi Goldberg was sexier.
I think Katy gets it though. After the fact, she realizes her whole marriage was as superficial as her costume with the squirting boob fizz, but naturally relationships dissolve when you tour as extensively and exhaustively as she did. It's Day 287 of her tour and it feels like I've been watching this movie for longer than that.
The upside to Katy's breakup is she's crying for the first time in the film (I honestly expected a lot more waterworks) and so I finish a beer and a half in no time. She says something about how immature she is and I start laughing uncontrollably.
Drinks bleep bleep ERm drunk - burp: Katy won't stop crying or singing sad songs and crying and man, I'm having way too much trouble keeping up and I trip on the way to the kitchen.
Katy does a "Hey Jude" cover and this makes me want to cut myself.
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Drinks who gives a fuck - shit we're almost out of beer: Katy is suddenly recovered and talks about how great her life looks and the future is bright. There is no real reason for this that we can see, but whatever. It's not like half of this movie isn't fake already. It's really just heavily-tailored brand management. Cut to some more 10-year-olds worshipping Katy Perry's every move and the movie ends. Yay!
Conclusion: I went out back and puked three times. Fuck yeah. Someone else puked with me. I feel like a bulimic, which must be what it's like to be a Katy Perry fan. I may have accidentally converted. Later, I put on lipstick and let people smush carrot cake on my face. I do really weird things when I drink.
Part of Me was without a doubt, the worst music documentary I've ever seen. It showed me a more human side of the singer, but I still can't help but feel gross inside when her tunes play on the radio. I think I might just be an asshole or "editioc," [sic] as one Katy Perry fan called me via email.
I would not recommend this drinking game or this movie to anyone.