In the past few weeks, we've ranked the dumbest moments of two of Arizona's most trusted elected officials, Governor Jan Brewer and Sheriff Joe Arpaio.
We decided to give the politicians a break this week and rank the dumbest moments of individuals who we'd actually expect to have really stupid moments -- alleged criminals.
The criminals on this list aren't ranked for the gruesomeness of their alleged crimes -- just the sheer stupidity they displayed in the process.
10. Two Guys Arrested in "Murdercopa County" With Serious Hometown Pride
Talk about bad publicity. In June, the New Times came across the mugshots of two heavily-tatted criminals who represented the Valley to the fullest with their ink.
Moses Ulloa, who was booked for meth possession, has a tattoo of the City of Glendale logo plastered on the top of his head and "Murdercopa County" tattooed on his neck. The other, Vicente Valles -- who was arrested on domestic violence charges -- has the City of Tempe logo emblazoned on his chin and an Arizona State University logo inscribed across his cheek. Not only do they look absolutely stupid, we'll see later on in the list that easily identifiable tattoos aren't the brightest investments for criminals.
9. Jason Draper, Accused of Stealing From 25 Walmart Stores, Says He Steals Because He's "Humiliated" Living With His Mom at Age 35
The shame and embarrassment of being broke, 35-years-old, and living with his mother drove Jason Draper to allegedly steal over $45,000 worth of merchandise from Walmart stores over the course of several months. At least, that's what Draper told police.
From the perspective of an untrained psychiatric evaluator, racking up 28 counts of felony robbery charges in Walmart theft doesn't seem like the healthiest coping mechanism.
8. Dudley Chan Says He Plays Cop to "Get Respect," Police Respectfully Arrest Him
Dudley Chan just wasn't getting enough respect. So, he allegedly decided to impersonate a police officer. He would apparently wear a gun on his hip, flash a fake badge, and tell people he's a Chandler police officer in order to get "respect" when interacting with others. He allegedly pulled this stunt at a bank in April while he asked a bank teller for driving directions. He was arrested shortly after. Between Chan and Draper, there are some very shaky problem/solution analyses at play. Check out the opening line of the story, it's spot on.
7. Friends Rob Friends, Then Post Facebook Update of Whereabouts
If there's any benefits to getting robbed by friends, it would be that you likely know several different ways to get in contact with them. One woman used Facebook to help police track down and arrest her former friend Brandi Rogers, after Rogers allegedly helped orchestrate a gun-point robbery of her home.
Rogers and the woman were Facebook friends, and a status update posted a few days after the robbery allowed the woman to tell the police where Rogers would be eating one particular evening, and police arrested her there.
6. Cops Go to Question David Denton About Hotel Burglary; Leaves Meth and Heroin With 6-Year-Old and Jumps Off Third-Floor Balcony
A guy loses street cred if he ditches his partner and leaves the stash with him when the cops show up. So, David Denton definitely lost all of his street cred when he ditched his 6-year-old son and allegedly left him with his meth and heroin stash. Where's the loyalty?
5. Gerald Gonzales Allegedly Brought a Sidekick to His Heroin Deals -- a 3-Year-Old Kid
A good drug dealer will always bring backup muscle along to a drug transaction. A lousy drug dealer -- and an even lousier father -- would bring his 3-year-old son to a transaction. The 3-year-old son of Gerald Gonzales was present for at least three separate drug-deals between Gonzales and undercover police, according to authorities.
4. DPS: Martin Garcia Ran Into Police Vehicles, Got Shot at, and Left Car Dangling Over Highway. Claims He Doesn't Remember
Police watched Martin Garcia do everything it says he did in the headline. Officers watched him run into a police motorcycle and police car. They shot at him, and then they watched him crash into a guardrail and leave his car hanging over the edge of the highway overpass. Then he proceeded told them that he didn't do it, and then claimed that he just didn't remember doing it.
3. Sergio Velderrain Told Cops He Chugged Some Four Lokos and Peed in the Toilet. By "Toilet," He Meant He Peed on a Baby
There have been some pretty crappy fathers on this list so far, but peeing on your 4-month-old baby has to be one the crappiest things a father could do to his child. According to police, Sergio Velderrain claimed that he got really drunk, fell asleep, woke up and then mistook his child for a toilet.
The mother of the kids told police that Velderrain peed on the baby while laughing and saying that "he has something to remember his dad by." If that's true, at least we can all remember Velderrain as the dummy who peed on his baby.
2. Carlos Sturgus Found Out It's Pretty Easy to Be Identified in a Shooting With the Yankees Logo Tattooed to His Forehead
Remember earlier on in this list when we said that easily identifiable tattoos can limit a criminal's effectiveness? Well, witnesses told police they saw Carlos Sturgus shoot an innocent bystander while he was having a gun battle with another man. It was tough for Sturgus to evade police because there just aren't that many guys out there with a New York Yankees symbol tattooed right smack-dab in the middle of their forehead. Sturgus comes in at no. 2 because that's just flat out horrible career planning on his part.
1. Naked Carjacker John Brigham Terrorizes Scottsdale
John Brigham's alleged naked rampage in Scottsdale really transcends the scope of this list. It was equal parts hilarious, ridiculous, idiotic, perplexing, infuriating and tragic. If there was a 2012 Arizona criminal awards show, Brigham would likely clean house.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Phoenix New Times's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Phoenix's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
This former teacher and real estate executive let drugs get the best of him --leading to him crash his car, strip naked, dance on top an SUV, highjack cars and then crash into some more cars -- all of this in the middle of Scottsdale, according to the cops. He injured several others during his rampage, including a pregnant woman who sustained two broken legs.
After all of that mayhem, Brigham pleaded not guilty to charges stemming from the incident. In case Brigham's having trouble recalling his antics from that day, perhaps the video below will jog his memory: