Bodacious mail-order products for teens with money to burn, lagging popularity, weasels for parents and a loose grasp of reality.

HOOVER HICKEY-QUICK. Face it, dudes and dudettes. Nothing says "sex appeal" quite like a neck covered with bright purple "love bites." But how do you get them if you're an incredible dweeb with no hope of landing an orally fixated steady? No problem! With this rechargeable, fully portable suction device, you can produce your own hickeys wherever you want, whenever you want, with the flick of a switch! Includes attachments for vacuuming your car, removing blackheads and sucking the chrome off a trailer hitch. Weight: 6 lbs., 2 oz. HS846 $29.95 ppd.

BLACK & DECKER HAIR MOLD. Hey, gals! Tired of wasting valuable telephone time by teasing, shellacking and buttressing your tresses into those supersassy styles beloved by adolescent females and French-poodle owners? Stick your head into this high-voltage, high-tech wonder (it works like a waffle iron) and PIZZAZZ! Your unruly mop is melted and permanently molded into one of these no-mess, no-stress, virtually unbreakable coiffures: Tidal Wave, Triple-Loop Roller Coaster, Half-Peeled Banana, and Belgian Waffle.

Weight: 8 lbs., 6 oz. NL462
$19.95 ppd.

ACETYLENE HEAD STENCIL. Hey, guys! Tired of wasting valuable screwing-around time by precision-shaving those totally hip lightning-bolt designs above your ears? Now you can "do the 'do that's you" in a flash! Kit includes acetylene torch to remove unwanted hair, along with some other popular stencils: Batman Logo, Deer Crossing, Happy Face, and the Pieta.

Allow six to eight months for recovery. Weight: 14 lbs. PD148
$79.95 ppd.

AQUA-NOT (TM) WATERPROOFING HAIR MOUSSE WITH ALUMINATE-PLUS. Never again worry about beauty-mussing thunderstorms, typhoons or flash floods! With six or seven coats of this aluminum-based waterproofing agent, you could drown at sea and your locks would still maintain their luster, sheen and shape--even if it takes months for your bloated remains to wash ashore! Also effective on hiking boots, circus tents and boat hulls. Weight: 8 fluid oz. LR391 $15.95 ppd.

ROAM-A-PHONE. Screw your parents! Make all the long-distance calls you want and gab for hours, days or weeks . . . for free! Simply roam your block with this cordless telephone receiver until you pick up the dial tone of an unsuspecting neighbor. Chat with old friends who've moved to another state! Sample every pay-per-minute "900" number in the country! Or buzz total strangers in Yugoslavia and ask if their refrigerator is running! (If so, they'd better go catch it!)

Weight: 2 lbs., 6 oz. RB307
$39.95 ppd.

BABY-MAYBE CONDOMS. Ask any teen. The problem with safe sex is that there's no danger! No unexpected surprises! And you never get to find out how much your steady really likes you! Eliminate the predictability with these unique prophylactics. Each box contains six standard-grade latex condoms, and six more made of wide-mesh cheesecloth that wouldn't stop a sperm cell any better than it'd stop a sperm whale!

Weight: 9 oz. SX322 $4.95 ppd.

TEEN REBEL STUN GUN. Faster than Mom and Dad can order you to clean up your room or take out the trash, you can electronically zap them into a dazed, twitching heap long enough to "borrow" their car keys, credit cards, cash . . . and they'll never know what hit them! Three power levels: "Sez Who?," "Oh Yeah?," and "Bite This!"

Weight: 4 lbs., 2 oz. FC767
$99.95 ppd.

INFLATABLE HUMP. You've tried everything: idiotic hairdos, grotesque fashions, moronic behavior . . . and you still aren't getting the attention you crave. Well, your anonymity will end the moment you strap this guaranteed eye-catcher on your back! Styles: Speed Bump, Quasimodo, Twin Peaks, and our new party pepper-upper the Whoopee Hump.

Weight: 14 oz. YD482
$14.95 ppd.

ODORIFFIC AIR DE-FRESHENER. Oh, no! Mom has cleaned your room! Gone is the warm, familiar stench of your dirty gym-sock and mildewed bath-towel collections, old hair spray, cheap perfume and the half-eaten pizza you shoved under your bed last August. Disaster? Nah. This nonaerosol spray is the same type used by slaughterhouse owners when business is off and they don't want anyone to know. One spritz and Mom will never invade your personal space again! Available in three sinus-clearing scents: "Something's Ill," "Something's Dying," and "Oh, God, Something's Dead and in the Advanced Stages of Decay." Weight: 12 fluid oz. CT584

$15.95 ppd.

You could drown at sea and your locks would still maintain their luster, sheen and shape.

One spritz and Mom will never invade your personal space again!

KEEP PHOENIX NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Michael Burkett