Audio By Carbonatix
Bruce for President
Bruce Springsteen was driving into Darlington County when it occurred to the Flash that he should be president.
Of the United States.
Wasn’t he “Born to Run”?
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The E Street Band could move to Pennsylvania Avenue. Clarence Clemons could be vice president, and be assigned to ensure adequate sax education for all.
The Flash had never had the privilege of seeing the Brucemeister in person before last Friday’s sold-out show at America West Arena.
Everything you’ve heard about the Boss is true. Although he now has an AARP card, the man somehow retains the energy of a hummingbird on Benzedrine. He lives in his own virtual sweat lodge. And none of it is wasted energy. The man communicates his message with palpable sincerity. Despite the passage of decades, neither the lyrics nor the riffs have become stale.
President Bruce wouldn’t take any bureaucratic guff. He’d watch out for the little guy, the working people, the downtrodden. Since his wild oats were probably exhausted during the ’70s, there wouldn’t be any bimbo eruptions. Been there, done that.
Bruce could go on tour and do a few sets in Baghdad and Teheran and Damascus and Tel Aviv and Belgrade and Jakarta and wherever the hell the Talaban is hanging these days. He could cover “Rafsanjani B. Goode.” He’d defuse this whole international tension gig.
Bruce can move and inspire a crowd in ways that Al Gore and G.W. Bush and Bill Bradley can only dream of.
During his America West gig, the Boss assumed a camp-revival posture, preaching “the ministry of rock ‘n’ roll.” He allowed that, “I can’t promise you eternal life. But I can promise you life right now!“
Unfortunately, Bruce’s exhortations couldn’t move the Phoenix Coyotes players who were seated nearby. Several in the group of players and their dates didn’t get to their feet once during the lengthy show. They sat, frozen in their own coolness. The ladies looked supremely bored. They left the show early. They probably weren’t Born in the USA.
But having said that, the Flash must give props to Coyote defenseman Teppo Numminen and his stunning wife, Ann-Maarit, who actually surrendered to the spirit of the night and intermittently stood and shook it. Well, there wasn’t really any shaking. Head and shoulder bobbing and a little knee dipping. But, hey, he’s a Finn. Teppo could be President Bruce’s liaison to NATO.
Rubenesque
Ruben Ortega, former Phoenix police chief, is in the middle of the Salt Lake City mayoral race — but he’s not a candidate.
Ortega, who was pretty much run out of Phoenix in 1992 after 11 stormy years at the helm of the PPD, has continued his lightning rod impersonation act in Salt Lake City. As was the case in Phoenix, he’s a political hot potato — and his employees hate his guts.
Ortega has said he will retire when current Salt Lake City Mayor DeeDee Corradini steps down after the first of the year.
That prompted the Salt Lake Tribune to wonder “if Ortega’s plan to retire in January is just a way to save face, a case of jumping before he’s pushed.”
You see, several candidates to succeed Corradini pledged to make Ortega’s ouster their first order of business. And the two candidates who survived this month’s primary and are squaring off for the mayoral seat have decidedly different views of the Ortega issue.
Candidate Rocky Anderson has vowed to send Ortega packing. Not surprisingly, the police union has endorsed Anderson. Early in the race, the union had let it be known that it would not consider endorsing any candidate who wouldn’t euthanize Ortega.
Ortega, meanwhile, has endorsed candidate Stuart Reid, the city’s Community and Economic Development Director. Reid has said he thinks Ruben is a fabulous police chief, and would keep him.
After the union’s endorsement of Anderson was announced, Ortega issued the following statement: “If the citizens of Salt Lake City want the union to run the police department then they need to vote for Rocky Anderson. If instead, they want the police department to continue to be led by professional managers then they should vote for Stuart Reid.”
Ortega took out a full-page newspaper ad last month, paid for out of his own pocket, backing Reid’s candidacy.
Methinks that Ruben Ortega doesn’t sound much like a man who’s yearning for a rocking chair.
Ladmo Madmo
One of the highlights of the Flash’s month is receipt of the email that carries the Ladmo Park Chicano News. It’s produced by a shadowy guerrilla organization that comments on Latino issues and terrorizes its perceived foes. From the September edition:
This month The Ladmo Park Board of Trustees and the Ladmo Park Chicano News editors have chosen to forgo the usual Chicano of the Month in favor of the following, a Chicano Sellout of the Month. The Sellout of the Month for September 1999 is [former state legislator] Armando Ruiz. When Ruiz isn’t terrorizing buffet restaurants, he has chosen to “sleep with the enemy” by endorsing and giving photo opportunities (we assume Linger was hard-up for a brown face and his campaign literature needed at least one) for West Phoenix city councilman Doug Linger [actually, it’s Lingner] instead of supporting the far better qualified candidate opposite of Linger, Rosie Lopez. We have a feeling Ruiz has chosen to oppose Lopez as a payback to political cronies who employed him between apparitions. So for this, we’d like to say thanks to Ruiz, THANKS FOR NOTHING!
From Nezahualco’yotl, the Ladmo Park Prime Minister of Verbal War. Hey, us vatos and vatas at Ladmo Park don’t like being coarse or vulgar but we’re fed up! How can Latinos stand by while the best known Latino on television is a Chihuahua?! Then you have a walking globe like Armando Ruiz endorsing Doug Linger and say “It’s not racial, let’s not make it racial”? No it’s not racial “chalupa” breath, it’s politics, and that’s worse! (And what the hell is a “chalupa” anyway? Is that anything like a chancla?) I’m so mad I could kiss Pat Buchanan
Hull — “So Ernesto, will you let Mexicans come clean hotel rooms in Arizona? But they all have to promise to come back to Mexico when the economy goes bad or whenever this idea isn’t popular anymore, which ever comes first!”
Zedillo
Ohhh, I tell you, it’s getting ugly. The other day I went to Dillard’s and security followed me so close it looked like I had an entourage! Kids thought I was a rapper!
Okay, it’s time for my medicine — gulp. Nighty night Chicanos.
Dig it.
Quake Me
The Flash felt last Saturday morning’s earthquake, and said to a companion, “Hey, did you feel that earthquake?” Companion looked at the Flash as though the Flash were touched.
The Flash was touched, it turned out, by seismic activity.
Anyhoo, alert Flashophile Bruce Long was watching CNN shortly after the temblor temblored through. He reports that the map showing the quake epicenter in the Mojave Desert of California identified Arizona as New Mexico. Long came up with his own news dispatch:
“The California earthquake completely swallowed the state of Arizona. New Mexico quickly slid over to fill the vacuum. . . .”
Bruuuuuuce!
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