Stephen Lemons Column

The Column We've Been Waiting For: Bruja's Gotta Brand-New Gig, Bitches

Welcome to my first column for the Arizona Republic! That’s right, MAGA hats, I’ve been “enjoined” by the editors at Gannett’s failing fishwrap to help sucker in some pro-Trump subscribers, cause everybody knows how smart we Trumpkins is and how much we like to read.

Don’t think so? Why, President Donald Trump’s more brainier than all the Dim-o-crats combined. How many of those Dims had a university named after them, huh? Or a vodka? Or a steak? Or a bankrupt casino? Much less have a porn star who can describe their junk in morbid detail?

Plus, a college degree is very overrated. Heck, I graduated from Glendale Community College with a radiology certificate, not a four-year degree, and yet I went on to become Arizona’s Supreme Leader, the Kim Jong Un of Sand Land! Though a lot skinnier, and blonde. (Kinda like Kellyanne Conway, but hella hotter.)

So far, all these pinko socialists at the Republic have been very nice to me. First, they 86’ed their top doodler, Pulitzer Prize-winning political cartoonist Steve Benson, to make room for my opinion pieces. I never liked that Steve guy ‘cause he always made my face look crepe-ier in his drawings than Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s turkey neck.

Then, beta-male extraordinaire E.J. Montini kindly spent half a day teaching me how to say “Mexican” instead of “Mess-can” — in case we do a podcast with the younggins from ASU’s Cronkite School. Personally, I prefer “Mexi-can’t,” as in, “No, you Mexi-can’t come into my country,” and, “If you’re a DREAMer, you Mexi-can’t have an Arizona driver’s license.”

My old pal, SB 1070-papers-please-law-author Russell Pearce, has offered to ghostwrite my column. Since being retired from politics by way of a historic recall election, Russell’s scored himself a real sweet gig at the county treasurer’s office, from which he used to send out emails bashing “illegals” while daydreaming about his dead buddy neo-Nazi JT Ready in a string bikini.

That is, till folks at the county put a kibosh on his wacko emails. Now all he’s got is his sweet memories of a goose-steppin’ JT, who was waaay ahead of his time. Ready would’ve killed them in Charlottesville. Literally.

Speaking of which, what’s all this talk about me being a “white supremacist”? Don’t they know my daddy croaked fighting the fascists in WWII? Okay, so he fought them from a munitions plant in Hawthorne, Nevada, and died from lung disease in 1955, 10 years after the war ended. Details, details.

Sure, I signed that Hispanic-hatin’ legislation, SB 1070, but only because my top adviser, so-called “shadow governor” Chuck Coughlin, told me I had to in order to win my first election for guv in 2010. Well, that, and I had to save Zonies from all those headless bodies in the desert left over from human traffickers and the cartel.

Guess I didn’t do too good of a job of that, since Trump now has to build a wall to keep out the caravans of brown folk trying to claim asylum. It’s like these people want immunity from federal law. Who do they think they are, Sheriff Joe?

My advice to them: Get yourself elected to the state Senate, then you can score legislative immunity, like I did in 1988, when I rear-ended a minivan after having just two – count ‘em, two – scotches!

The police report from ’88 says I failed field sobriety tests, and my breath smelled like alcohol, but don’t you believe them. I can hold my liquor better than that or my maiden name isn’t Drinkwine!

Seems like people just want to remember all the bad stuff about me. Like the time I wagged my withered digit at President Obama. Or all the money I wasted defending SB 1070 in court and giving Arizona a PR nightmare worse than it had back in the Ev Mecham days.

And, of course, there was that time I had a massive, 16-second brain fart during a gubernatorial debate on Horizon. But how could I help it? Everyone knows eating scorpions for breakfast gives you gas.

To conclude, thank you, you mooks at the Arizona Republic, for the new gig. I was having a hard time lately getting on Fox News, where I always have trouble with English as a first language.

This writing stuff should be funner than a Trump rally in August or beatin’ some sense in to some of these “enemies of the people.” Haha. That reminds me, time for your spankin’, EJ!

Stephen Lemons returns to New Times to write a semi-regular column.
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