Wanna hear some bullshit? The top 50 airports list snubbed Sky Harbor

Phoenix doesn’t have a lot going for it, especially during its triple-digit summers. But it does have a not-shitty airport.

Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport is located smack dab in the middle of the Valley — easy to get to and to get through, the perfect airport for someone who forgot to set an alarm. It wins all sorts of awards and ranks highly in all sorts of metrics — just check the PR emails that fill up our spam folders. Second in passenger satisfaction! Second in reliability! The worst-secured airport WiFi of any major airport! Wait, maybe not that one.

Plenty of publications have recognized these obvious merits. The Wall Street Journal called Sky Harbor the best busy airport, and J.D. Power and Associates ranked it in the top three for customer satisfaction. And that’s from the J.D. who doesn’t wear eyeliner and maybe killed the Pope. That’s why Sky Harbor’s booming overhead speakers constantly remind travelers that it's America’s Friendliest Airport.

So, we have all agreed that Sky Harbor is good and this story can end. Right?

Apparently not! Last week, the Washington Post ranked the 50 best airports in the U.S., and a certain desert airport seemed to be missing. At three is Ronald Reagan National Airport, which hasn’t had a tragic plane crash in at least several months. At No. 29 is something called Portland International Jetport, which sounds more like an airport with a superiority complex. LaGuardia Airport, the New York subway station of air travel, sneaks in at No. 49. Even Tucson’s airport makes the list, coming in at No. 32.

Not listed, according to the prominent paper that Jeff Bezos definitely loves and definitely isn’t strip-mining: Sky Harbor.

We have three words to say about that: What the fuck? This insult shall not stand! We at Phoenix New Times have a lot on our plate these days — covering immigration raids, police misconduct, Joe Arpaio’s birthday party. But we can think of few higher callings than defending the honor of our local airport, where Christmas Day shootings happen only outside security checkpoints.

Really, what’s not to like? From most places in the Valley, you can get to Sky Harbor in 30 minutes or less, making it truly the pizza delivery of airports. There’s highway access at either end and pickup and drop-off locations on both the north and south sides, making it simple to navigate for everyone except the one person who is supposed to pick you up. You can also take the light rail there, if that’s your thing, or a driverless Waymo — if you don’t mind becoming its prisoner as it does slow, robotic donuts in a parking lot, that is.

Once inside, getting to your gate is a breeze. (Just remember to leave your firearms at home, please. You’d be surprised how many people don’t.) Before security, there are copious dining options and public art installations that you’ll barrel right past as you sprint to catch your flight. TSA checkpoints move quickly — you have never seen CLEAR agents so bored — and you can get through security faster than you can get a cheeseburger from In-N-Out. Just don’t ask for the animal style patdown. Trust us.

Look, Sky Harbor isn’t perfect. The food options beyond security aren’t great. Trekking between terminals is a workout. A lack of ample seating forces people to stand — many of them, for some reason, choosing to do so on the moving walkways. (Walkways. Walkways. WALK. WAYS.) And then there was the time that it was so hot that planes weren’t allowed to take off. No, not that time. The other time.

But for the most part, the skies are sunny and clear, with nothing besides a fatal Boeing design flaw keeping your flight from leaving on time. The name may be redundant — it's essentially "Airport Airport," if you really think about it — but the traveling experience is a good one, no matter what the hoity-toity Washington Post says.

So next time you’re flying, ditch that East Coast rag and pick up a New Times. Glide through security, grab a shitty sandwich and find a seat near your gate. Then plug in your phone, pop on your headphones, eat an edible, pull up the New Times website — please — and put your feet up.

Your escape from the heat is just hours away.