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Slapstick Scammers

Golly-Pete does this daffy dodo love those old, black-and-white Three Stooges shorts, 'specially the ones with the classic lineup of Larry Fine, Moe Howard, and Moe's bro Curly Howard. Many a Saturday morn of this yardbird's youth was spent yukkin' it up at the screwball antics of those comedic dumbasses, whether they were frying up shoe leather as "fillet of sole," or kicking the madcap crap out of each other in their routines.

Now this nostalgic nightingale has a new set of knuckleheads to observe, though they're not nearly as laughable as the original Stooges, because this time, their shenanigans may involve your personal financial data. The Bird's referrin' to LifeLock marketing director Robert "Moe" Maynard Jr., LifeLock CEO Todd "Larry" Davis, and LifeLock radio shill and presidential candidate Fred "Curly" Thompson.

The Tempe-based anti-identity-theft firm LifeLock was the subject of a recent New Times cover story exposing Maynard's duplicitous past ("What Happened in Vegas . . .," Ray Stern, May 31). See, Maynard Jr. was the frontman for a deceitful credit-repair firm in the mid-'90s that obtained customers' checking account numbers and used them to steal their scrilla. As a result, he's been barred for life from the credit-repair biz.

Worse even, Moe-ron Maynard's a deadbeat with multiple bankruptcies on file and a trail of unpaid creditors. Also, Maynard lied and continues to lie about how LifeLock was founded, twisting a true tale of him welshing on a Vegas casino marker into some fantasy about having his identity ripped off.

Even Maynard's pappy, Robert Maynard Sr. , has accused his sketchy son of identity theft. Court records show that an American Express card in Maynard Sr.'s name was shipped to an address used by one of Maynard Jr.'s businesses. A six-figure debt was racked up on the card. Maynard Sr., a local eye doctor, says the perp was Maynard Jr.

In a half-assed attempt at damage control after the New Times piece, CEO Davis told the L.A. Times that his business partner chose to step down from his position with the company "so no one can question the integrity of LifeLock."

Uh, 'cept for the fact that Maynard hasn't left the beleaguered enterprise. In articles about the reported resignation, LifeLock executives admit they're going to let Maynard Jr. keep his "less than 10 percent" of the business. Also, Maynard Jr. will do pretty much the same thing he was doing previously as LifeLock's chief marketing officer.

And these are the people who want you to trust them with your vital financial statistics? Why, this birdbrain wouldn't give these dillweeds a copy of his bus pass, much less his Visa and Social Security number. Besides, why pay $10 a month for a service — putting a red flag on your account with one of the big credit bureaus — that you can easily do on your own?

Better ask Fred "Curly" Thompson that one. You know, the Law & Order star, former U.S. senator from Tennessee, and presidential hopeful who wants Republicans to believe he's the reincarnation of Ronald Reagan. As The Bird reported in its June 7 column, Fred Flintstone (so named for the rocks in his head), shills for LifeLock in radio ads airing nationwide. Other celebs do so, as well, but they're not running for freakin' president!

You'd think Thompson would've had enough sense to vet the company before becoming its pitchman, but in a June 9 L.A. Times follow-up to the NT story, titled "An awkward ad by Fred Thompson," Thompson flack Mark Corallo squawked that the adverts were part of Thompson's contract with ABC Radio.

"You can't expect the individual on-air personality to do research on every company," screeched Corallo.

Maybe, but ain't the bar higher for candidates for the highest office in the land? Especially those claiming to be the next Ronnie-boy? Also, this patriotic pigeon finds it particularly disgusting that Thompson uses a tale of heroism in Iraq and the offer of free service to military personnel to help sell LifeLock's snake oil to the masses.

Maynard's not the only deadbeat dumbass at LifeLock. Davis filed for personal bankruptcy in 2000. And blog.wired.com recently reported that Davis, who stupidly gives out his Social Security number in company ads, has been jacked by an identity thief. Seems someone used his data to get a $500 loan, despite LifeLock's vaunted guarantee.

These ne'er-do-well nudniks make the original Stooges look like frickin' astrophysicists. As the real Curly would say, "They resemble that remark. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk."

TURD REICH

As if this tweeter needed more proof that AZ's nativist movement is riddled with racists, rednecks, and raving wing-nuts, the anti-immigrant protest at the state Capitol on Saturday, June 16, featured a rabble-rousing speech by none other than the Ernst Roehm of the East Valley, the Martin Bormann of Mesa, everyone's favorite fat-boy fascist, J.T. Ready.

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Stephen is a former staff writer and columnist at Phoenix New Times.
Contact: Stephen Lemons