Talking (to) Trash

As a Cleveland Browns fan, I've spent lots of time trash-talking Steelers faithful. When your team's 2-17 against their team, you feel justified in bad-mouthing them. Cardinals fans are, mostly, peaceful people, unaccustomed to the level of hostility they'll encounter in any run-in with members of the yellow-and black brigade. Here are some insults you can use so you don't resort to taunting them about the weather like a fucking idiot:

• "Hey, glad they let you off your shift in the coal mine to watch this game! You must have seniority!"

• "Iron City's the shittiest beer ever brewed, perfect for washing down those French fry sandwiches at Primanti Brothers."


Steeler fans

• "You know what separates Cardinals fans from Steelers fans?" Then, open your mouth, point to your teeth and say, "They're all real, baby!"

• "Did you borrow those pants from Kordell?" (Steelers fans get fightin' mad when you invoke Kordell Stewart, the former Steelers QB who was long rumored to be gay, even though he denies it and is married).

• "Man, Willie Parker's running well. Your uncle Billy Bob must have cooked him up some of the good meth before the game!"

• "Did yinz see that? Did yinz see that? Wow, I hope yinz saw Larry "Sticky Fingers" Fitzgerald catch that ball!"

• "Is that one of them official Terrible Towels or just the rag your mother uses to mop up the video booth after her shift?"

• "How many generations of inbreeding do you think it took Bill Cowher's family to get a kid with a chin like his?" (Cowher's no longer the Steelers' coach, but he won the last Super Bowl and is God in P-burgh.)

• "Big Ben's not gonna to remember his mama's face if he takes another big hit. He'll be hugging the first wrinkled skank in cut-offs he sees."

• "You're drinking beer out of a cup? Security must've taken your Mason jar."

• "Don't go back to your car; I heard 'Dookie' Davenport's in there!" (Former Steelers running back Najeh Davenport did community service after he was charged with breaking in to a sleeping coed's dorm room and taking a dump in her closet.)

• "Man, I'm surprised you can cheer so loud with black lung!" (Any authentic Steelers fan's got at least a cousin or two who's died from the terrible disease.)

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