The hillbillies are coming! The hillbillies are coming! And no that's not Phoenix's new line of do-it-yourself redneck porn.
Nah, by hillbillies, I mean convicted public urinators like Buffalo Rick Galeener, alleged bookstore trespassers such as Anna Gaines (aka, the "anti-Hispanic Hispanic"), massage parlor owners, toothless ne'er-do-wells, assorted Hells Angels wannabes (the real deal would kick their asses into next week), failed KIA dealers, and so on. In other words, an army of pathetic trailer-park refugees, who wrap themselves in American flags and call themselves "patriots."
They have to call themselves patriots. No one else will. (Ba-dum-pa.)
And, nah, they ain't coming to a theater near you. Unless that theater is a revival house playing a triple bill of Harper Valley P.T.A., Last Night at the Alamo and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Instead, the dentally-challenged nitwits in United for a Sovereign America and affiliated racist orgs will be hitting the pavement with their knuckles this Saturday, protesting the planned protest of Sheriff Joe, his racial profilin' ways, and his abuses under the already abusive 287(g) program.
"The illegals are marching again on Feb. 28th in Phoenix, AZ," reads U.S.A.'s site. See, by "illegals," they mean anyone who's broken the law, by which they likely mean themselves (e.g., Buffalo, 'cause he's probably the one who wrote it).
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The Web page also tells folks not to bring signs, as signs will be provided. That's so U.S.A. members don't have to strain their miniscule cranial capacities as they scrawl really complex slogans like, "Illegals Suck," and "Brown People Go Home."
U.S.A.'s online propaganda also quotes DHS honcho Janet Napolitano and none other than local ICE PR flack Vinnie Picard saying -- respectively -- that the 287(g) program should be expanded, and that it's workin' a-OK here in Maricopa County (wink). Boy, I'll bet Nappy and Vinnie are proud to be referenced as authorities by the closest thing the Valley of the Sun has to a Klan site.
What I don't understand is why these grizzly coots, haggard old biker babes, and lumpen thugs can't stay home, pick their toes, play with their firearms, and pretend to fix those Trans Ams they've got up on cinder blocks in front of their doublewides?
What -- is the liquor store out of Boones Farm and Old Milwaukee? Is the CMT channel leaving cable? Has Rock of Love finally been cancelled? Are they plum out of instant mac-n-cheese and Hamburger Helper at Frys? C'mon, there must be a reason...Fine, upstanding clodhoppers like these surely have better things to do than go where they're not wanted...