Chuey's greatest fantasy: To have knocked boots with Natalee Holloway before she croaked.

Would You Bone a Midget?

This Friday's wack-ass poll is dedicated to my personal hero Chuey the Rock 'n' Roll Midget, famous for hosting the Wed. night Wheel of Fear Factor at Giligin's in Scottsdale. I profiled their Howard Stern-esque antics in my now defunct Inferno column back in April. Chuey made the cover with a plate of Thai cockroaches for the story titled Mouthful of Midget.

Remember Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf on Howard Stern? Chuey is that effin' hi-larious, but without Hank's alcoholism. (Sure, Chuey imbibes, but not that fucking much.) Also Chuey's scored more trim than I'll ever see in my miserable life. Hell, he works at a bar where loads of hot coeds hang -- hot, curious coeds, if you get my drift. Being the star of the show doesn't hurt either.

Anyway, this week's topic is: "Would you bone a midget, dwarf, little person, or whatever you wanna call 'em?" The results were eyebrow-lifting to say the least. Folks had to justify their yes or no answers. And with one exception, all those asked were New Times employees. I've included whether they're male or female, which is kind of interesting, I think.

Can someone cue Randy Newman's "Short People," please?

And a-way we go....


10) From a regular dude: "Nah. Their body fat makes them look like big babies. It'd be like pedophilia."

9) From a smart-ass dick: "I'd go gay for Verne Troyer."

8) From a hot chick, a blonde: "Well, if you're talking about a purely physical thing, where it's just sex, no. But if I got to know him and he was a friend and that would make him happy, maybe."

7) From a cool wench who like wenches: "Sure, I'd like to pick her up and sit her on my face!"

6) From a dweeb: "Um, if the personality is good."

5) From another dweeb who looks like Jason Mewes: "Hell, yeah! I have a small penis, so to her, I'd be hung like a bear, bro."

4) From a lecherous hirsute perv: "I'd do her for the story."

3) From a retard: "Can you repeat the question?"

2) From a PC queen (yes, we have them here too): "Only if I were a little person as well?"

...and the Number 1 answer to "Would you boink a midget?"from Chuey the Rock 'n' Roll Midget, aka, The Satanic Hispanic, aka, The Wee Wonder with the Fat Weenie:

1) "No way! Other midgets freak me out."

Shout out to Herve Villechaize, wherever he be...

(For the record, Chuey prefers tall bitches, and likes to brag that he can do oral on 'em while standing up. Wanna get at Chuey? Hit him up at his website or at his MySpace page, ChuSpace.)

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