How to Shop Off the Registry for My Wedding | Phoenix New Times

A Guide to Completely Ignoring My Wedding Registry

A guide to going off-script.

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Dearest friend, relative, coworker, or plus-one of a guest who technically was never given a plus-one to begin with but now you’ve put me in awkward situation so here we are,

If you’re reading this, it’s either because:

A. After much procrastination, you have looked at my registry only to discover that all the good (see: affordable) items have already been purchased.

B. You have decided to go off-script, and surprise me with a gift that I did not specifically ask for but that’s okay because you must know me better than I know myself. Case in point, you know that my type-A personality actually loves surprises.*

*I hate them.

Whatever your reasons may be for throwing my well-thought-out registry in the garbage, I would like to offer a backup list of suggestions. Sure, they may seem a tad ridiculous, but so is having a clear guide to making someone happy and completely ignoring it.

1. Two words: gift card. I know, what a novel idea, right? A gift card! Specifically to one of the stores I am actually registered at. Not some obscure boutique where I'd be hard-pressed to find anything that fits with our home but an honest-to-God department store that carries the essentials. But maybe that's too tame for you? Too predictable? Well, let's move on then.

2. How about a motorcycle with matching anarchy-themed leather jacket since we’re all apparently rebels now. Don’t forget the sidecar. The sidecar is for my dog. See number three.

3. A dog. The cuter, the better because, let’s face it, you kind of screwed up.

4. Any of the 2016 Fantasy Gifts from the Neiman Marcus holiday catalog. Might I suggest the rose gold private plane or the his and hers Lilly Pulitzer island cars? Or both? You might as well get both.

5. How about some art? No, none of your DIY crap. I’m thinking something along the lines of a Basquiat. Maybe a Warhol?

6. A year’s worth of therapy sessions to undo the stress of this of wedding and the people in it.

7. Anything Gwyneth Paltrow would deem indulgent. Perhaps this $46,000 Hermes mahjong set?

8. You know, we still haven’t finished paying for our wedding, so if you’d like to chip in and pay for the rest, that’d be great. I mean, we spent $150 on your plate alone. And you got to choose what you wanted. Although maybe we should surprise you now?

9. Your first-born child. Kidding, kidding. Although you did claim that registries lack sentiment, and honestly I don’t know what could be more sentimental than this.

10. A time machine so I can uninvite you to my wedding.
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