Essential Fantasy Tips to Spice Up Your League Life

Time goes on. People change. The passion dies. We’ve all been there — stuck in a rut, wondering if our counterparts care as much as we do.

We’re almost at the halfway point of the football season, and chances are your fantasy league isn’t as exciting as it used to be. What happened to the intensity of draft day? Or the excitement of opening kickoff? Has it been dulled by the weekly grind of research or the monotony of lineup submissions?

It doesn’t have to be that way. Reignite the flame in your fantasy with these tips to spice up your league life.

Change your team name to an insult about whoever you’re playing.
The new team name can be something as simple as “Devon Smells Like Old Tuna Casserole” or the classic “Hey Stacy Your Team Is Garbage Trash,” but we suggest going for something more personal. Preying upon your opponents’ fragile mental states relies on destabilizing their cracked foundations, so be sure to exploit recent tragedies.

Example: If you’re playing Janet, you might change your team name to something like “Remember When You Got Fired For Drinking Too Much At The Office Party?” Or if you’re going up against Kevin in Week 9, you might make it “The Colon Crunchers” or “The 37-Minute Bathroom Breaks,” an obvious jab at his debilitating gastrointestinal issues.

Initiate a one-sided trade offer for your best player, then revoke it before the other manager gets the chance to accept. Repeat until the season ends.
Find your highest scoring player and match them up to another team’s roster by need. Who would benefit from that player the most? Once that’s determined, it’s as simple as proposing a trade for that player and the other team’s — oh, I dunno — the kicker. Then right after you offer it, delete it.

When the other manager first receives the offer they’ll believe it too good to be true. Paranoid excitement might fuel a mad dash to accept it, so make sure you know the process and are ready to delete the request just as soon as you click “Propose Trade.” For best results, find out the other manager’s work schedule and try to hit them at peak hours.

You might get a text like, “wtf."

So you respond, “New phone, whos this.”

Then they write, “why did you offer that stupid trade.”

And you write “It seemed good at the time, changed my mind.”

Then they’ll send some combination of emojis that will translate into something along the lines of “Get fucked.”

That’s when you initiate the trade again.

Drop all of your players.
Mileage may vary on this one depending on your chances of making playoffs, so it might not work for you. Consult the village soothsayer for further counsel. But if you do want to go this route, know you’re essentially giving up hope of winning until the 2017 season.

It’s best to drop your players in the middle of the night on a late Friday or early Saturday. Pick up only the necessary players, waiver gems like Texans QB Brock Osweiler and Raiders RB DeAndre Washington. Watch the other owners swarm free agency like you just dumped a Costco-sized helping of chum.

The resulting chaos should jump-start the league’s fervor for a week or two. Hopefully, someone cries "collusion" and really makes things interesting.

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Joseph Schmidt
Contact: Joseph Schmidt