Labia Dye Keeps Vaginas in the Pink

Well, color us excited. Recently, we stumbled upon Cosmopolitan's list of "6 Ways To, Um, Decorate Your Vagina." And while most of these twat treatments were old hat to us -- vagina facials, vajazzling, lady-scaping -- there was one beauty product that had us tickled pink.

Labia dye.

See also: Vagina Steaming Is the Hottest Spa Treament

My New Pink Button is a patent-pending "genital cosmetic colorant" that caters to the unspoken epidemic of labia color loss. Created by esthetician Karan Mari and sold through Amazon, this cunt-and-color kit allows women to kick up the saturation of their sad vertical smiles with temporary dyes in shades of pink. With product names like "Ginger," "Marilyn," "Aubry," and "Bettie," we'll admit, the branding is cute. But the concept is concerning.

And like any online customers wary of a new product, we at Jackalope Ranch have a few pressing questions to ask:

Firstly, how will this affect ladies' anal-bleaching habits? While color-blocking your beaver is a trend some are willing to try, is it possible that the sweat from your nether region could cause the dye to spread? Pink pussy, fine by us. Pink ass? We'll pass.

Secondly, what's to stop this dye from spreading to your pubic hair? Do you really want your bush to look like Gwen Stefani circa Return of Saturn? We imagine that if you're at the point of dying your genitals, you've long since ditched the carpet for hardwood floors.

And finally, how long does this poon pigment last? What if the burning sensation of the first shade causes us to have second thoughts? What if we want to try all four shades side by side, much like testing new paints at Lowe's? How long would our vajayjays carry the color pattern of Zebra Stripe gum?

Sadly, it could be a while 'til we get a response from customer service. Seeing as all the products are currently out of stock on the main site, this is either one of the most successful start-ups for crotch cosmetics, or an under-staffed, one-woman manufacturer of cuckoo.

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