Top Five Reasons Why Butt-Wipes for Men Will Never Catch On; Dollar Shave Club Marketing Peppermint-Scented Wipes in Viral Video

A video by the Dollar Shave Club that markets a new line of ass-wipes for men is going viral, but the product itself stinks.

Sure, they're peppermint-scented and will leave your butt literally as clean as a baby's. They've got a somewhat manly name -- "One Wipe Charlies," and that popular YouTube commercial featuring the swearing Average Guy from the company's 10-million-view-getting ad about its mail-order razor program.

Still, while flushable wet-wipes for the adult anus seem to be gaining in popularity, judging by the companies willing to spend money trying to market them, we doubt they'll ever catch on as a popular hygiene accessory for the American male.

We can think of at least five good reasons why.

See also: Google Glass Won't Let You Look at Porn Conversations With My 2-Year-Old is Your New Favorite Web Series

5. You have to carry them around. Packets of ass-wipes may be carried well in a purse, but they're too big to fit in the pockets of dress slacks or jeans and too unprofessional to ride along in a briefcase.

4. Even if a man encounters a One Wipe Charlie at some fancy bar or restaurant that stocks their shitters with them, he'll be wary of it. It's new, it's wet (and why it's wet in a public restroom stall may always be a question), it's going to feel weird on your butt, like you've had a splash-back, and the peppermint smell isn't attractive when added to the overall odor mix.

3. You'll see the occasional bidet in the USA, but these porcelain toilet companions have never caught on for American men, and wet wipes for adults are similar to the bidet concept. We know it's cleaner. It's just too European.

2. The company can claim it's flushable, and it may be. However, if there's one thing an American guy is scared of, it's an overflowing toilet or backed-up pipes -- because he'll be required to either fix the crappy mess or suffer the humiliation of calling a plumber.

1. It tries to solve a problem that doesn't exist. The butts of American men are clean enough. Unclean office chairs aren't causing outbreaks of cholera. You can't tell whether a man has a perfectly clean or just reasonably clean asshole just by shaking his hand.

Men's butt-wipes make for good bathroom humor, but that's about it.

Follow Jackalope Ranch on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.

KEEP PHOENIX NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Ray Stern has worked as a newspaper reporter in Arizona for more than two decades. He's won numerous awards for his reporting, including the Arizona Press Club's Don Bolles Award for Investigative Journalism.