Best Haboob 2011 | July 5, 2011 | People & Places | Phoenix
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Best Haboob

July 5, 2011

All summer, all the time, it was "haboob this" and "haboob that" — amazing how a word we'd never heard before (despite having lived in Phoenix for decades) got tired practically overnight. For a while, all the boobie jokes ("I Love Haboobs," written in dust on your back windshield, for example) were funny, but by the end of August we were just ready for some rain. And we never did get a haboob to match our first — a real humdinger of a dust storm (that's what we called them back in the day) that put up a wall of dust between here and Tucson bigger than any of us old timers had ever seen. It was a spectacular (and terrifying) display — and one we're still cleaning up from. The latest reports estimate that the heavens dumped 50,000 pounds of dust on the city that evening alone.

Best Power Couple

Larry Black and Joel Fox

Work hard, play hard. That was apparently the motto of Larry Black, a former top aide to Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, and Black's best buddy, Captain Joel Fox. These tireless public servants slaved for two years over a super-secret project to raise money for their boss' 2008 political campaign, then made an illegal $105,000 donation to the state Republican Party, which funded slimy TV ads targeting Arpaio's opponent. After the Attorney General's Office released its report this year, the public finally learned why Fox had struggled for months to keep the involvement of others in the scheme under wraps. He hadn't just been protecting his co-workers and wealthy posse members who had contributed to the fund. He'd also been protecting Black — because he loved Black. A search warrant served at Fox's home turned up several e-mails in which the pair, both married with children, expressed their feelings and referred glowingly to time they'd spent in a hotel room — not that there's anything wrong with that. Unless, as in this case, the relationship between superior officer and subordinate results in unprofessional and allegedly illegal activity.

Best Right Hook

Aubry Ballard

Even Mike Tyson doesn't pack a punch powerful enough to cause someone to lose his leadership position in the state Senate. Aubry Ballard, the former flame of onetime Senate Majority Leader Scott Bundgaard, however, does. Ballard and Bundgaard went a few rounds on the side of a Valley freeway in February as they were driving home from a charity event. Details of the fight are sketchy, but Ballard suffered some cuts and bruises. After getting socked by Ballard, however, not only did Bundgaard have a pretty nice shiner, he went from being one of the most powerful people in the Senate to losing his leadership gig and getting charged with assault. In the end, Bundgaard avoided jail time but he does have to serve out the remainder of his term in office. Probably.

Best Mugshot of the Day

Jeffery Hendershott

Quite literally, the food is garbage at Sheriff Joe Arpaio's jail. And humiliation is always on the menu. It starts as soon as an criminal suspect arrives, when the obligatory photograph taken during the booking process is posted on the Internet and entered into a taxpayer-funded game called Mugshot of the Day. Like a modern-day version of a stockade, the sheriff's web game aims to shame the prisoners. Typically, thanks to the callousness of an anonymous cyber-population, the "winner" is all too obviously mentally ill. Ha ha, look at the funny face! The one good thing that could be said about the ethics of this public contest is that all arrestees appear to be fair game. When one of the sons of David Hendershott (the chief deputy Arpaio had to fire this year for numerous policy violations and potential crimes) was arrested in July on suspicion of DUI and hit-and-run (no injuries, but still!), his picture appeared on Arpaio's game board — and shot to the top of the Mugshot of the Day rankings. Mysteriously, typing Hendershott's name into a search field didn't bring up his photo. At first, computer users had to find it by scrolling through the "DUI" category of the mugshot look-up site. A post on New Times' Valley Fever blog probably helped things along. Soon, he was listed in a separate web page of top contenders. After a day of online voting, Jeffery Hendershott, then 29, took the honors with more than 100 votes, narrowly beating out a woman arrested for alleged probation violation who inexplicably drew nearly as many votes. Hendershott's dad can rest more easily — his alleged crimes are being investigated by the federal government, which so far doesn't have its own National Mugshot of the Day award.

Best Jan Brewer Moment

Challenging the State Constitution

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer's the gift that keeps on giving (for political pundits, anyway). Not much will compare to Jan's epic moment of silence during a 2010 gubernatorial debate, during which she clammed up and giggled like a cheerleader for 20 painful seconds. But this is 2011, and Brewer's boneheaded-ness hasn't changed. Brewer, who's in her second term as governor, thinks she can run for a third — the Arizona Constitution, which clearly says she can't, be damned. According to the Constitution, "No member of the executive department shall hold that office for more than two consecutive terms . . . which shall include any part of a term served." Jan, however, seems to think the Constitution "is not really clear," and doesn't apply to her. Stay tuned.

Best Sex Scandal

The Brock Family Circus

What do you get when you cross politics, religion, and sex? One of the most bizarre sex scandals in the history of both sex and scandals, that's what. The sex scandal that has plagued the devout Mormon family of Maricopa County Supervisor Fulton Brock is a yarn that needs no embellishment. Over several months, it was revealed that Brock's now-estranged wife, Susan, had a sexual relationship with a teen boy starting when he was 14. Turns out, her adult daughter, Rachel, was having sex with the same boy. Court documents indicate that both Supervisor Brock and leaders in the Mormon Church knew of the relationship but never called police — and that's the recipe for a fantastic sex scandal.

Best Death Row Pig-Out

Donald Beaty

The best part about getting executed by the state of Arizona, as several convicted murderers have found out (the hard way) this year, is the food. But some use their last meal to pig out more than others. Take kid-killing rapist Donald Beaty, for example. Beaty was put to death for the 1984 rape and murder of 13-year-old Christy Ann Fornoff. The night before his state-ordered death in May, Beaty ordered the following: a beef chimichanga with salsa and sour cream, a double cheeseburger with onions, tomato, pickles, lettuce, mustard, and mayo, and French fries. He washed it down with a Diet Coke and 14 ounces (nearly a pound) of Rocky Road ice cream.

Best Naked Meth-Head Story

Theodore "Come and Suck It" Ruiz

For whatever reason, meth fiends have a tendency to want to strip naked while in the throes of a binge. Similarly, they also tend to masturbate in public — and nobody did it better than Theodore Ruiz. While naked and masturbating outside a Phoenix hotel, Ruiz was approached by police. "You come back here to suck it," Ruiz told cops while continuing to beat off. Police asked Ruiz to put his hands behind his head, but his hands were busy — masturbating — and he refused. He again invited cops to "come and suck it." He continued to masturbate even after he was hit with pepper spray. Even as cops grabbed one of his arms to try and place him in handcuffs, Ruiz used his remaining free hand to continue pullin' his pud. Now that's dedication.

Best Way to Sneak Weed into Tent City

Over the fence

If you're forced to call Joe Arpaio's infamous gulag, Tent City, home and you like smoking weed, you might be inclined to try and sneak it in the old-fashioned way: your ass. This is a mistake. For starters, who wants to smoke ass weed? Secondly, who wants to stick weed up their ass? The solution: Have someone toss it over the fence — according to Sheriff Joe himself, that's how most of the contraband gets into the jail in the first place. Of course, if caught hurling bags of weed into the jail, the person recruited for such a task could find themselves behind bars with you.

Best Medical Marijuana Signs

Man Cave Signs

Man Cave offers all kinds of signs for garages, pubs, etc., but the store's line of marijuana signs is their most colorful. The store's tin signs for medical marijuana include all sorts of pop culture imagery, from a Bob Dobbs-ish guy asking, "It's 4:19. Got a minute?" to a sign designed like a postage stamp and depicting a raven-haired Statue of Liberty suggestively sucking on her finger, above the words "Ganja Girl." Man Cave has plenty of tin marijuana signs depicting half-naked women, like their "Humboldt Honey" round sign (with an image of a busty blonde dressed as a bee/fairy) and its "Make Love Not War" stamp sign, depicting a topless blonde in a state of ecstasy, with a marijuana leaf necklace around her neck. Old anti-marijuana propaganda posters are available as well, such as the "Marihuana: Assassin of Youth" front-page newspaper image, and a Marihuana: The Plant from Hell movie poster. And in case you're not sure when it's going to be 4:20, Man Cave also offers a Humboldt Funk Clock with a redhead in short shorts holding a pot leaf. With so many sexy designs to choose from, why bother with those old Reefer Madness posters?

Best Of Phoenix®

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