10 Craziest Phoenix Crimes of the Month: July

No matter how many police reports we read through on a monthly basis, the criminal creativity, stupidity, and craziness never ceases to amaze us.

Just when you think you've seen it all, there's always something worse. From a cocaine-thieving plastic surgeon, to a guy barfing on a dog and shooting its owner, to a drunk cop pulling a gun on someone, to a man very nearly getting his testicles ripped off, and more, we bring you the 10 craziest Phoenix-area crimes this month:

10.) Mesa Man Insists He Has a "Permit" for Bags of Meth

Police say that a Mesa man scaring people at a gas station was carrying several bags of (surprise!) meth with him at the time. The man, 38-year-old Nakia Laye, insisted to police that he had a permit for all that alleged meth. Of course, the main problem here is that there's no such thing as a meth permit. His only other excuse was, "Oh shit!," according to court records.

9.) DUI Suspect Tells Cops She's "Glad" Firefighters Who Died in Yarnell Hill Fire Were White

Merry Finley's encounter with police started around 10 p.m. on July 10, when she was pulled over on suspicion of driving drunk in Gilbert. She was arrested for that, and randomly noted that she's "happy when officers are hurt." As police finally processed Finely at the jail and released her into the lobby, Finley allegedly grabbed the door and slammed it into the officer, adding that she was glad the 19 firefighters killed in the Yarnell Hill Fire were white. Finley was escorted back into the jail for the alleged assault-by-door.

8.) Phoenix 8-Month-Old Dies After Being Burned with Lighter and "Violently" Shaken

After being hospitalized when she stopped breathing, doctors found at least eight separate burn marks on 10-month-old Sabrina Santos-Vasquez's face, body, and hands. Police say Adrian Ponce, who is not Sabrina's father, but is engaged to her mother, admitted to burning her with the open flame of a cigarette lighter. He then shook the girl later that night, while the girl wouldn't sleep and continued to cry -- presumably from all the burns, police say.

7.) DUI Suspect Passes Out While Driving; He Was Out So Long He Ran Out of Gas

Jason Taylor, 22, was found shortly after 5 a.m. one day by a newspaper deliveryman. Taylor was slumped over the steering wheel of his Jeep on a residential street near 23rd Avenue and Cactus Road. When asked what happened, Taylor replied, "I got drunk," records state. Police noted that the key was in the "on" position, and the car was in drive, leading cops to believe that Taylor's car ran out of gas at some point in the night. Taylor admitted to drinking a six-pack of beer (before he drank an 18-pack of beer), according to police.

6.) Scottsdale Plastic Surgeon Paul Holden Accused of Stealing "Medicinal Cocaine"

Dr. Paul Holden, a Scottsdale plastic surgeon, picked a bad time to make his run for the "medicinal cocaine" at a neighboring surgery outlet, as he ran into a woman cleaning the place, according to court records. Holden had previously been banned from that surgery location for an undisclosed reason. Police reports recounted an incident from last year, in which Holden "fled the residence in his vehicle, making suicidal statements and holding a loaded handgun up to his head, threatening to kill himself."

5.) Anthony Houston Allegedly Vomited on Dog, Then Shot the Owner and Two Children

A 41-year-old man was walking his dog at a Phoenix apartment complex one night when Anthony Houston vomited on the dog from a second-story balcony. The two started arguing, and Houston started to come down the stairs. The other man retreated to his apartment, but Houston started shooting at the victim just as he reached his door, police say. The victim fell into his apartment, and Houston kept firing, striking two children -- a 14-year-old girl and a 9-year-old boy. Luckily, everyone survived.

4.) Derek Jackson Pulled Over for DUI -- While Driving Forklift Down Scottsdale Road at 2 a.m.

A Scottsdale man arrested on a DUI charge told police he was just trying to get home from a party when he was pulled over on Scottsdale Road around 2:30 a.m. one night. That happens just about every day in Scottsdale, but police said 33-year-old Derek Jackson was driving a forklift that he had just stolen from a construction site outside Scottsdale Fashion Square. Jackson was pulled over while making his way through Old Town Scottsdale, and said he was just trying to home.

3.) Drunk, Off-Duty Tucson Cop Wearing Ballistic Vest Points Gun at Gas Station Clerk

This one's from Tucson, but was too crazy to pass up. When a drunk man stumbled into a Tucson gas station and started pointing a gun at the clerk, there already was a cop inside. Unfortunately, the Pima County Sheriff's Department said the cop was the drunk guy pointing a gun around. Deputies said Tucson Police Officer Kyle James McCartin pointed the gun directly at the store clerk as he stumbled around the store, although he never fired the gun.

2.) Phoenix Man Dumps Wife at Hospital, Drives Off, After Weird Stuff Went Down in Bedroom

A Phoenix man dropped off his wife at the hospital and drove off after what can only be described as weird stuff went down in the couple's bedroom, involving a bloody rope, a bloody chain, bloody bolt cutters, whips, dildos, ball gags, and, according to the wife's recollection, a "demon." The woman had multiple broken bones in her face, and other injuries, and claimed a "demon" left her husband's body and did it to her. Police finally figured out what happened after they discovered the above-mentioned items in the bedroom.

1.) Phoenix Woman Yanks on Husband's Testicles, Causes Scrotum Tear and Bleeding

A Phoenix man was hospitalized after his wife allegedly yanked on his testicles during an apparent argument, causing his scrotum to tear open. Sylvia Yazzie, 39, faces two felony charges for the alleged attack. A police probable-cause statement does not indicate any motivation for the attack, but says she pulled his testicles "in anger, causing the scrotum to tear and bleed."

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Follow Matthew Hendley on Twitter at @MatthewHendley.

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