Audio By Carbonatix
Mild, Mild West
After an incessantly brutal summer of terminal hipness, the Flash’s coolness meter was quavering on the E sign. So the Flash had no choice but to escape for a few days to a very cool place, which turned out to be Jackson Hole, Wyoming.
Wyoming is a place with a serious rural sprawl problem. Rural sprawl is eating up Wyoming’s towns at the rate of an acre an hour.
Actually, rural sprawl is not a problem in greater Jackson Hole, which is home to Harrison Ford and other lesser lights. Jackson Hole is an exclusive enclave in a state where antelope just might outnumber people. It lies in the shadow of the Grand Tetons. It’s very cool and frequently expensive. There’s a huge elk reserve near Jackson, and all the restaurants serve elk, which is actually domestically raised red deer imported from New Zealand.
The Flash did visit the legendary Million Dollar Cowboy Bar, where people belly up to the bar by straddling real saddles mounted on barstool poles. The Flash watched the Official Jackson Ho work the room.
Two words: Yee haw.
A flier on the wall in a coffee shop announced an upcoming Fred Green show.
Several bars prohibited cigar smoking. Can you imagine? In Wyoming? This is where they spread the Marlboro Man‘s ashes. This is a state where even the yellowthroat has a red neck. Alas, not Jackson Hole — a geographic and social aberration.
Jackson Hole is also just a rental car away from Yellowstone National Park, the Earth’s largest oozing sore. Yes, the Flash did the tourist thang — Old Faithful, Mud Volcano, Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone (a mere paper cut compared to our Grand Canyon).
The Flash did see bison, bald eagle, bear, coyote, elk, deer, New Jerseyites. In other words, things the Flash has also seen in Arizona. The only critters that couldn’t be seen in the wild in Arizona were moose and buffalo and trumpeter swans. But the Flash didn’t see any moose in Wyoming. Moose are a rumor.
Get Out of Jail Free
The Flash has some potentially good news for bad drivers who got tickets between June 30 and September 30 of this year.
Over the past few months, we’ve read story after story of incompetence at the state’s Motor Vehicle Division. Here’s the latest.
In June 1998, the Arizona Legislature passed some new laws aimed at road rage and drunken driving, including increased penalties for:
• Extreme DUI, which increased penalties for someone caught with a blood-alcohol level of .18 or above, within two hours of driving.
• Aggressive driving, in which a driver’s conduct combines an unsafe speed with at least two moving violations.
• Running a red light, stop sign or yield sign, or making an improper left turn at an intersection that results in an accident causing serious physical injury or death.
In this case, passing laws wasn’t enough. The next step would have been a lengthy rule-writing process — maybe up to a year — to implement a procedure to assign demerit points to driver’s licenses, as penalties. Because these laws were so important, the brass at MVD asked the Attorney General’s Office to circumvent the process. The AG agreed, and emergency rules were put into effect on December 31, 1998.
The only catch: The rules expired June 29, 1999. All MVD had to do was file some paperwork to extend them, but no one bothered. And no one noticed, apparently, until last week.
The rules went back into effect on October 1, but the three-month window of opportunity for a technical out remains for those of you busted in July, August and September.
The Flash recommends that all you speed demons out there check in with your defense attorneys.
Jam Sessions
Percy Miller (a.k.a. Master P) has shelved his rap career while he takes a shot at making the Toronto Raptors basketball squad. P spent part of last year playing the point for the Continental Basketball Association’s Fort Wayne Fury. Like all the CBA outcasts, he hopes it’s a stop on the way to an NBA dream gig.
P might be able to play ball better than every rapper east of Shaq, but is he NBA caliber? He averaged 1.9 points and half an assist in eight games against subpar competition. Those aren’t the kind of numbers that usually get you the chance to throw alley-oops to Vince Carter.
But before you scream “marketing ploy,” the Flash thinks the Raptors might be on to something. NBA scouts have gone to the ends of the Earth to come up with the likes of Gheorghe Muresan, who’s now a multimedia star. Why not dredge the talent pool in the music industry to get help for a championship?
The Flash has scoured Phoenix in search of local musicians who might be able to give the Suns that added edge. So, hey, Colangelos, make with the contracts before another team gets wise. These virtuosos got game:
• Rob Halford, Judas Priest — Formerly a macho front man for the 1980s heavy-metal band, Halford’s made a name for himself as a sexually ambiguous, boa-wearing, tattooed freak. A similar character helped Jordan and Pippen win three titles for the Bulls. Halford can be the rebounding demon that Rodman was, and he probably looks better in a wedding dress.
• Stevie Nicks, Fleetwood Mac — The Suns are hoping Oliver Miller stays slim, and Nicks is also battling to keep her chin count in single digits. Miller and Nicks can split Jenny Craig dinners or gallons of ice cream when they’re feeling low. While the rest of the team plays cards on the plane, Miller and Nicks can Deal-a-Meal. Just be sure to cater enough food for the pregame spread, or it could get ugly.
• Radar, Emile and ZTrip, The Bombshelter DJs — They didn’t get to be the best DJ crew in Phoenix without lightning-fast reflexes to work the turntables. Those quick hands should translate well into thieving the rock and pulling off those slick Iverson dribble moves. And Emile will give the Suns the trash-talking force they haven’t had since Barkley left town.
• Glen Campbell — This former Rhinestone Cowboy gone straight can be an A.C. Green-type influence on the locker room. Sure it’s fun to be talented, wealthy and famous, but why ruin it all by screwing groupies (i.e., Tanya Tucker)? Campbell will keep the hearts pure, the minds focused and the balls blue.
• Wayman Tisdale — Great bass player. Oh, wait — we already tried him.
• Chris Peeler (no relation to the Timberwolves’ Anthony) and Todd Minnix of the aforementioned Fred Green — They might not be great leapers, but can you imagine any pair who get consistently higher?
• Wayne Newton, Valley native — Could anyone else sing Dunk-a-shein?
• Alice Cooper — Sorry, Ainge, but this motley crew is going to need a coach who can speak their language. Last season, the choirboys on the Spurs had their prayers answered with an NBA title. It’s time for evil to get a ring. Cooper is the first rocker who made parents fear their offspring would play his records backward and worship Satan, which, as we all know, is an anagram for Santa.
If the Colangelos heed this scouting report, the Suns can be transformed from a tone deaf bunch of underachievers into a squad capable of singing “We Are the Champions.”
Feed the Flash: voice, 602-229-8486; fax, 602-340-8806; online, flash@newtimes.com