Arizonan Pie
The geniuses promoting the Arizona State Fair had to add a strip to the billboards advertising the event, because people kept calling up and asking what they could do to help the poor kid pictured thereon.
Those who have seen the signs will agree that this kid looks like a leper, a napalm victim, a hydrochloric acid-wash, a nuclear mishap. His face looks as though it's covered with a grotesque rash or blood blisters.
Actually, he's supposed to be a pie-eating contestant, and the stuff on his face is supposed to be fruit matter.
But "thousands" of calls from curious and concerned citizens kept coming in, so the marketers added a strip to the billboard that says, "1ST PLACE PIE EATING."
Cheryl Reutter of the fair's marketing office says an advertising firm known as L&B is working to promote the fair. She added that she wasn't authorized to say anything and that marketing director Wanell Costello would call to answer any questions.
Costello didn't call.
Reutter did confirm that the fair does in fact have pie-eating contests.
Blame It on Rio
From Monti's restaurant patio on Mill Avenue, Tempe mayor Neil Giuliano holds out his hand like a film director envisioning a shot, framing the Rio Salado construction site to the east.
"There's a 275-room Marriott hotel, there's a condo complex, and over there is an office building," he says. "That will all start by" -- he knocks on a table -- "next year."
He turns north.
"And this -- Tempe beach," he says. "A lot of these trees 10 to 15 years from now will be beautiful. The trees will be more mature, the park space will be greener. This will eventually be to the Valley what Central Park is to New York."
Giuliano scans the lake, an orange sunset streaked behind him. Commercial development next year, grown-in beauty in a decade. That's the plan.
This is a meeting of the Arizona "Repbulcian" Caucus (as it reads on the mail-out), the mayor is waiting for right-thinking supporters to join him for a walk down to Tempe's new beach. In a few weeks, the public cornerstone of the $150-million-and-counting project will celebrate its grand opening, and Giuliano wants everybody to be as excited as he is. Thus far, only five have joined him on Monti's patio. The spinach turnovers and marinated chicken spears are going to waste.
"Anything that's worth doing is going to be controversial," Giuliano says. "People say you should've just left downtown the way it is, left the riverbed the way it was -- not to change anything. But there's no such thing as staying the same. And if you don't take advantage of a positive economic cycle, you will stay the same."
"Yeah, like Mesa," adds caucus member Don Hesslebrock.
When Giuliano looks to Rio Salado, he sees joggers, bikers, volleyball tournaments, concerts (well, quiet ones anyway), paddleboats and, of course, plenty of commercial development. It's so exciting, so full of potential and so . . . so where the hell is everybody?
"What time was this supposed to start?" Giuliano asks. "Five-thirty?"
Five o'clock.
He looks at his group of eight Repbulcians and sighs.
"I think we've bottomed out," he says. "Let's head down to the water."
The sloping concrete path to the riverbed is lined with newly planted green sprouts circled by patches of wet sand. Waving their hands at thick clouds of flies, caucus members joke about how annoying the "mosquitoes" are.
"They're not mosquitoes, they are midge flies from Mesa," Giuliano says steadily, seeming a bit offended at the very idea that any mosquitoes could spawn from Town Lake. "The Mesa Midge Flies, that's what we'll call them."
Giuliano is referring to patches of shallow water near Mesa that he says are a breeding ground for swarms of pesky midge flies, noting that Town Lake was specifically designed to be a fly-free environment. All these flies are supposed to be dead before the gala opening November 6.
Rio Salado Project Manager Steve Nielsen reassures the party that the offending patches of shallow water to the east will be drained, midge-fly-killing chemicals will be dumped in the lake and imported fish will devour midge-fly larvae. Don't worry, we're aware of the fly issue, steps are being taken. Tempe Town Lake will not be burdened with any of the pesky Mother Nature troubles of a real lake.
At the tour boat, two tanned young men wait silently in khaki shorts and white polos. The party stops. Nielsen addresses the group, describing the electric boat's features (a rest room!) and says the boats will take lake visitors on "a 35-minute guided tour on the history of the river."
Giuliano won't get on the boat, saying he's vowed not to go onto the river until it's open to his constituents. And it turns out, there won't be a boat ride for the guests, either. The boat operators stand awkwardly, not sure what to do. You can still look at the boat, of course.
"I was promised a boat ride," Hesslebrock says, perhaps half in jest. "I want my $15 back."
Earlier, Nielsen had elaborated on what sort of vehicles residents will be allowed to use on the river: "Anything that's human-powered, electric-powered or wind-powered," he said.
What about jet skis?
"Oh, no! Though we did have one out there the other week."
The jet-skiing offender was caught and arrested. Just like the fellow who jumped from the Mill Avenue bridge recently, and just like the kids who went skinny-dipping on a dare from a radio DJ.
"We even arrested the DJ," Nielson says proudly.
The message? Don't mess with Rio.
According to the new Tempe Town Lake on the Rio Salado Public Boating and Park User's Guide, there will be lights and sirens mounted on poles along Town Lake to signal the presence of high winds, lightning or to order boaters off the lake. Security cameras and park rangers will monitor the lake 24 hours a day. Paddleboats and canoes will be allowed -- as long as they are registered and stay under "a wakeless speed" -- but inflatable boats, motorboats and inner-tubes are strictly prohibited (along with wind-surfing, for the time being, since it requires body contact with the water). Other Town Lake restrictions include: no swimming, fishing, feeding ducks, drinking alcohol, going against the clockwise lake traffic or using the park after hours. And don't even think about puttin' up a tire swing.
Truly, it's a lake only a lawyer could love. Or a developer, or a politician.
When asked what the lake's temperature is, Nielsen couldn't say.
"Huh, I don't know," he says. "I was just down there, too. I didn't think to stick my hand in there."
Giuliano is right. Tempe Town Lake will eventually make quite a picturesque addition to the Valley. But it's also less like a lake and more like a priceless museum exhibit.
You can look at the exhibit, enjoy it during the designated hours. Visit the gift shop. Just don't touch.
Witty Witty Bang Bang
The following note appeared last week on the first page of the Web site promoting U.S. Senator John McCain's presidential campaign:
We are pleased to report that from October 1st through October 13th the McCain 2000 campaign received over one million hits on its Web site. The single largest visitor during this period came from the George W. Bush campaign.
To make it easier for the Bush campaign to surf our site we have created a page specifically for them. Click on the following to view this page. http://www.mccain2000.com/bush.html
Feed the Flash: voice, 602-229-8486; fax, 602-340-8806; online, [email protected]
