Feathered Bastard

Terry Goddard's Anti-Jan Brewer Commercial (Suggested)

Dennis Gilman's simple suggestion for a Goddard attack ad

No use belaboring a point: Governor Jan Brewer's a colossal idiot. How did this hillbilly queen become governor? Oh, that's right, she lucked into the job once ex-Gov. Janet Napolitano skipped Sand Land to become the Obama administration's official border hawk and honcho of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security.

Personally, I blame Nappy for saddling us with our accidental, X-ray technician goober-nor. And I plan to hold it against her should the two-faced social climber ever return to the People's Republic of the Prickly Pear to run for U.S. Senate, as many assume she one day will.

In the meantime, before Democrats begin writing themselves invites to "Governor" Terry Goddard's inauguration, keep this in mind: Arizona is full of hillbillies, many of them semi-senile wingnuts from out of state. So Brewer's recent, well-publicized gaffes are only political pay dirt as long as the Dems use them to their advantage, over and over again, in campaign commercials.

That's because we all know, despite Goddard's repeated calls for more debates, such face-to-face verbal pugilism will likely occur only over the cold corpse of Brewer's string-puller Chuck "CCA" Coughlin.

See, this was not an anomaly. Reporters who have seen Brewer in action mangling the English language, misreading prepared statements, or, in one egregious example, reading the wrong speech at a press conference, know that the Brewer who was on last night's Clean Elections debate is the real, unvarnished Jan.

Still, the election is two months out. So the public will need constant reminding of what an imbecile Brewer truly is.

Above is videographer Dennis Gilman's humble submission. What I suggest is that the Dems run something with a series of questions being asked of Brewer, with each one being answered by Brewer's awkward dead air.

Yeah, Goddard did okay last night, but I would also say that Goddard and the Arizona Dems in general are cursed with fists full of thumbs. They too often have the mentality of losers and pettifoggers. If I had to put down some chips, I'd bet that they take this succulent, roasted pheasant and let it rot on its golden serving tray.

Gilman here suggests a Freudian slip on Brewer's part, where she seems about to say the word "beheadings" before she sputters her way into silence. No doubt she was anticipating an attack from Goddard on the subject of her previous prevarications about headless bodies in the desert. Perhaps that helped put her mind on pause.

Or, maybe, as I've said, she's just a blithering bumpkin with a cactus for a brain.

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Stephen is a former staff writer and columnist at Phoenix New Times.
Contact: Stephen Lemons