Now that there is a baseball future, writers across the country are peering into their highball glasses in hopes of seeing it. This is something they do every year.
These somber prognostications are often hilarious, more often pathetic, hardly ever correct. Still, the writers scrawl.
Following are my predictions for our local spring training squads. I've taken a careful look at previous performances. I've examined off-season events. I've weighed personnel potential. These predictions are no more or no less sure to come true than anything else you'll read. So what the hell.
As you can see, I've had a lot of free time lately. This is what happens when they mess with spring training.
Milwaukee Brewers
The Brewers this spring enter the second season of their innovative restructuring program, a plan based on the physical, mental and spiritual philosophies of Japanese professional baseball.
MikadoCo, the giant Japanese electronics consortium that bought the team before last season, had pledged a five-year commitment to the radical strategy.
But the company since then has admitted publicly that the acquisition of the Brewers was an error. MikadoCo apparently believed it was purchasing a beer company.
Before spring training last year, a Tokyo-based management team was brought in to run the team. The abrupt philosophical changeover proved devastating to the team's players, coaches, trainers and fans.
The Japanese style of play calls for intense, year-round conditioning work, an emphasis on player discipline, and an overall "team" concept that most Brewers found chafing.
For example, Brewers third baseman Jake McKay, an Oklahoma-born slugger who attended Oral Roberts University for several days before signing a pro contract and who works in the off- season as a bouncer/deejay/master of ceremonies at Hooter Heaven (a popular topless nightclub in Milwaukee), was fined repeatedly for breaking the team's stringent new rules regarding player deportment. McKay's most spectacular infraction occurred after the team's first victory, which came on the road against the Chicago White Sox in late July.
According to police reports, McKay was arrested at 3 a.m. while cavorting--nude--in the famed Buckingham Fountain in Chicago's lakefront Grant Park. McKay claimed the next day that "a bad piece of sushi" served during the team's postgame clubhouse meal had caused him to experience "really far-out" hallucinations. "It was a mind bender," he told reporters. Charges of public intoxication, public lewdness and providing false information to a parks department law-enforcement official (McKay apparently tried to convince arresting officers that he was Chicago Sun-Times movie reviewer Roger Ebert) were later dropped, but team officials treated McKay harshly. He was fined $10,000 and forced to attempt a "confession" of his misdeeds at a team meeting before the next day's game. (In Japan, players regularly participate in emotionally charged self-criticism sessions.) McKay's fine was doubled when a transcript of his confession--"Fellas, I flat-out fucked up, and I promise it won't happen again, at least until we win another game, which doesn't seem likely for a good while"--reached the team's top brass in Tokyo. Another longtime team figure who was negatively affected by the new regime was team manager Mickey "Mouse" Claub, a popular figure with fans who was forced by team executives to undergo a stringent weight-loss program in the early weeks of the season. Shortly after the All-Star break, Claub began to wear a bandage over his right eye, claiming he had injured himself while shaving. Days later, Brewers General Manager Yo Lee Kao fired Claub for cheating on his diet. He revealed that Claub's injury was caused not by careless grooming but by a bratwurst, which had exploded in the manager's face outside the Polka Pavilion during the city's annual MilwaukeeFest.
The Brewers' shaky absentee- ownership status, coupled with the team's humiliating 5-155 record last season--a measure of futility unprecedented in the history of organized baseball--caused for a sour mood among fans. By mid-August, season ticketholders were regularly staging mock suicide attempts around the ballpark. Most of the incidents Oakland A's
The biggest change between this season and last for Oakland will be the absence of manager Morton "Salt" Lick III, who during the winter was nominated to the United States Supreme Court. When it was learned that Lick's confirmation hearings would overlap with most of spring training and the first month of the season, the A's asked for Lick's resignation.
On principle, Lick first attempted to fight the action in court, but was dissuaded from further legal action when several thousand season ticketholders signed a petition asking him to leave:
"We, the undersigned, believe that Morton `Salt' Lick III would do a heck of a lot less damage in Washington making laws for the whole country than he has been doing here. He has no control of his players, he has absolutely no clue as to how to run a pitching staff and he wouldn't know a decent line-up if they walked past one at a time and kneed him in the nuts, though we do hear he's a whiz at making dramatic objections in court during speeding-ticket cases. In other words, you're outta here, Lickster!"
The A's outlook otherwise hinges on the organization's as-yet-unrevealed plan to liberate the team's ballpark before opening day. Oakland Coliseum has been occupied since mid-September by 25,000 (police estimate) followers of the Grateful Dead, who have refused to leave in the belief that the shaggy combo might someday return for a fourth encore to a concert that officially ended almost six months ago. The crowd has reportedly smoked most of the turf on the playing field, and spokesmen for the mob have demanded that the "houselights" Seattle Mariners
To succeed on the field this season, Col 2, Depth P54.02 I9.03 was hitting his same trademark lazy fly balls, but right down the opposite foul line every time. They were just bouncing over the fence before the fielder could get over. Luis led the league in ground-rule doubles, which suited him fine. Shoot, he could walk to second base if he wanted. We also think we figured out why he wanted to be a catcher, too: It's the closest position to the dugout."
Left-handed pitcher Meha Megottago (Luis' youngest brother) is expected to make the big club this year as the Mariners fourth starter. Meha's goal this season is to conquer his bursts of wildness, mostly because Luis makes him chase after his own wild pitches--even with men on base.
One such embarrassing wild-pitch episode last season (Meha was called up in early May, after the Mariners were eliminated from the AL West pennant race) caused a tearful family spat that began with seemingly harmless shoulder-punching around the infield but quickly escalated into a nasty dog pile on the pitcher's mound. The Mariners' off-season hiring of family patriarch Tony Megottago as first-base coach should help ensure order on the field and cut down on monkey business during team meals.
The Mariners finished fourth last season. Barring a miracle of biblical proportions, that standing likely won't improve. San Francisco Giants
After last year's furious roller-coaster ride of a pennant race, which saw the Giants fall a half-game short of winning the National League West title, every single member of the once happy-go-lucky team displayed symptoms of severe depression.
Many of the players stayed in bed throughout most of November and December, and all but two of the everyday starters were showing signs of drastic weight loss by Christmas. Team officials, hoping to halt the downsliding mood, announced in February that the Giants will be playing all of their home games during the day, and that the team's uniform colors have been changed to yellow and pink. The Giants' famed cheerleading squad has been turned into a support group, and the popular entertainment group Up With People has been scheduled to perform for the team on Opening Day.
"These guys have got to cheer up," said team owner Howard K. Elwood in a prepared statement.
If and when the Giants' spirits improve, shortstop Kay D. Thompson is expected to emerge as the teams' new on-field leader. He has considerable shoes to fill--those of retired shortstop and certain first-ballot Hall-of-Famer Vic Grant, who retired last season after seventeen thrill-packed seasons. Grant will continue in his role as "Mr. Giant" by providing color commentary for the team's radio network.
Of course, Grant also will continue his role as director and founder of the Giants' innovative sperm-bank program, by which fertile Bay Area women have been spawning the big leaguers of tomorrow for the past fifteen years.
A logical extension of the modern pro-sports marketing program, the Giants' sperm-bank effort also is seen by knowledgeable baseball people as a revolutionary player-developement concept, not unlike the Kansas City Royals' baseball academy of the early 1970s.
By shopping through specimens donated by each of the Giants' players, customers are offered a "cafeteria-style" selection of genetic traits from which they can build their own would-be ballplayer. The plan was first offered only to members of the team's booster club, but by popular demand was quickly expanded to the general public. So far, more than 600 youngsters have been developed through the program.
Surprisingly, nobody so far has raised a question about the Giants' sperm-bank efforts and what role the program might be playing in the ongoing ennui that seems to have paralyzed the team. The only on-field question remaining about longtime backup Thompson's move into a starting role is his dedication to the game. Two years ago, Thompson became a Hare Krishna. In fact, it was in an airport on a road trip that Thompson first learned of the religion. Since his conversion, Thompson's shaved head, sandals and flowing saffron robes--his typical off-field apparel--have become a point of contention. When a team rule was altered last season and players were for the first time required to wear a blazer and necktie on road trips, Thompson filed a complaint with the American Civil Liberties Union, which in turn sued the club for violating Thompson's civil rights. It was agreed that Thompson would wear the blazer and tie over his robes. But just weeks after that controversy died down, Thompson made news again by requesting that no meat products be sold at Candlestick Park, the Giants' home field. Team officials responded by calling him a "hot dog."
Simply put, a black cloud hangs over this ballclub. First they lose a close division race. Now they have to face the double whammy of an Up With People performance and tofu dogs at the ballpark. Prediction: Early promise, late fade, basement finish. Chicago Cubs
The Cubs finished ahead of the rest of the National League East, aided in part by a vindictive-but-understandable vote last summer by America's baseball fans to ban the use of protective cups by members of the New York Mets and St. Louis Cardinals.
The vote, a legally binding initiative sponsored by the Heileman Brewing Company, was conducted at the same time as All-Star balloting. Many fans who voted for the controversial ban said later that they believed they were registering to win commemorative glassware. The fully protected Cubs raced to an early division lead, then fought off intense late-season internal strife to win it. After winning their play-off series against the Atlanta Braves, the Cubs were disappointed to learn that the World Series had to be canceled because of a shortage of hotel rooms in Chicago. It seems that a gigantic annual national commemorative glassware convention had block-booked every hotel room in northern Illinois and most of Indiana. Barring any similar scheduling conflicts, the Cubs should be rarin' to go this season. Still, no one can predict how last season's off-field drama will affect this season. The first significant episode to rock the squad was a multiple-player trade in August that brought power-hitting center fielder Dan "Dimples" Del Mar to Chicago from the San Diego Padres. In exchange for Del Mar, the Cubs gave up every draft choice for the next ten years. The handsome Del Mar, widely acknowledged to be one of baseball's leading sex symbols (at least in West Coast cities), proved to be a productive but mostly unpopular player, particularly with the Cubs' large following of predominantly working-class male fans.
When he arrived in Chicago, Del Mar immediately made it known he was unhappy with the trade, primarily because he had to give up his job as co-host of Rise and Shine, San Diego!, a morning television talk show. "There's just not as much opportunity for a morning talk-show host in Chicago," he told the Sporting News. "I'm really miffed, and you can quote me."
Fortunately, the Cubs' parent company also owns Superstation WGN, and Del Mar was offered a regular slot on the popular children's show Bozo's Circus. Del Mar's Bozo segments, on such topics as microwave cooking, coupon clipping and a weekly liposuction update quickly became popular with viewers, particularly within the all-important demographic group of women ages 62 to 90. Encouraged by his quick acceptance by those fans, Del Mar led the league in diving catches and heart-tugging notes from lonely cleaning ladies. The second almost-fatal blow to the Cubs' pennant hopes came just weeks after Del Mar's arrival, when it was discovered that fans in the left-field grandstand area were sneaking pizza slices and nachos to players in the Cubs bullpen. This revelation almost killed a program designed by team trainer Jewel "Price Check" Osco to reduce the body-fat percentage of the team's pitchers to below a collective 20 percent. Osco's theory was based on the belief that lean pitchers would prove more effective during Chicago's wickedly humid summer afternoons than tubby ones.
Once the pizza connection was exposed, Osco convinced the Cubs organization to purchase one of the apartment buildings east of the ballpark and set up a bullpen area on the roof. A deluxe weight-training facility was installed inside the building, along with a natural juice bar and a tanning salon. Tight security was enforced, and each pitcher was assigned a personal 24-hour trainer and nutritionist. Of course, the long walk in from the Cubs bullpen did provide for some frustrating moments for team officials. On several occasions, members of the Chicago police force would not allow pitchers to cross in the middle of the block, requiring them instead to walk down to the corner light, then cut back through the right-field gate. Also, turnstile attendants refused to admit the pitchers until the hurlers learned to show their protective cups as evidence of team participation.
The whole baseball world was watching, but Osco's bold experiment proved inconclusive. The Cubs pitchers registered no significant increase in strikeouts during the second, pizza-free half of the season, but did get laid a lot more.
During the off-season the relievers toured the South as an all-male exotic dance revue. Del Mar, after returning to his home in San Diego, spent the winter recording new narration for all of the fish shows at Sea World. Cubs trainer Osco set what he believed was the world record in incline-board sit-ups--more than 352,000 over three weeks--but required treatment for severe depression when the team opted not to renew his contract and he was forced to return to his previous job as driver's-education instructor and sophomore wrestling coach at Maine East High School in suburban Niles, Illinois.
Look for the Cubs to win their division again. Osco's wrestling team, on the other hand, is weak at the lower weight divisions, but should do well in dual meets throughout the rest of the winter and early spring.
