The Best and Worst Olympic Theme Songs in History

Flipsyde, because the young kids like hip-hop, right? Right?
Flipsyde, because the young kids like hip-hop, right? Right?
Interscope Records

The Olympics are about a lot more than gold medals, figure skaters, bong-smoking swimmers, and crushing human rights (I'm looking at you, Beijing).

More than anything, it's about ceremony. And, like a lifeless family sitcom, that means theme songs. Over the years, the Olympics have provided us with some of the most sappy, heart-wringing anthems you'll ever hear short of a graduation ceremony (and to be fair, a few pretty good ones).

Here's a retrospective of some of the worst offenders and a few of the best.

Bad: Celine Dion, "Power of the Dream," 1996 Summer Olympics

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There's more cheese stuffed into this song than an entire mile of Domino's Stuffed Cheesy Bread. It's such a constipation of cheese it will keep your bowels backed up for weeks. Why would this inspire any Olympic athlete to be better at badminton or water polo? Furthermore, why is following your dreams a good idea? My dreams are usually about escaping prison or having to wrestle bears. Last I checked, those weren't Olympic sports.

There is a drug in cheese called tyramine that imitates dopamine. It won't get you high, but does react with the brain parts that control REM. So when you eat mounds of cheddar before bed, you're more likely to have vivid nightmares. Cheesy music + dreams = nightmarish songs. I think there's a connection here.

Good: Björk, "Oceania," 2004 Summer Olympics

After some Googling, I learned this pretty little song is about evolution from the perspective of the ocean. Um, oK. Congrats to the Olympics Song Chooser People (that's their official name, right?) for attempting something avant-garde and experimental, but what the fuck does this song have to do with the Olympics? Here, let's play a game - which of these lyrics are NOT in the song?

A) Every pearl is a lynx is a girl B) Sweet like harmony made into flesh C) Win! Win! Win! Get a medal! For your country! D) Your sweat is salty / I am why

Rather than ask Björk for an answer, why not ask her about her TV?

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