FLASHES

Pistol-Packin’ Emma
The front door at Phoenix City Hall proclaims: “No weapons of any kind allowed in building.” But one city employee is packing heat–City Councilwoman Frances Emma Barwood.

Although she usually leaves her handgun in the car, Dirty Emma, who has a concealed-weapon permit, admits that she sometimes carries her rod into City Hall. “I don’t have a problem carrying it anywhere.”

City flack Mark Hughes says there’s no law banning guns from City Hall, although the manager of any public establishment can ask that weapons be surrendered upon entry. Refusing to do so is a misdemeanor. But not in Barwood’s home state, Vermont, where, she says, “Everybody has a gun. It’s just a matter of equipment. It’s kind of like a tire iron.”

Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It’s Off to Jail We Go!
Sheriff Joe Arpaio has banned girlie magazines from county jails, but thanks to Tent City’s proximity to Estrella Jail, where women are housed, male jailbirds are filling the lusty void with live performances. “It was not infrequent to have some female inmate flash you,” says one former incarceratee.

If the right quantity of cigarettes, marijuana or other contraband is passed under Estrella’s back door, a “Window Ho”–as they are affectionately known–will stage a performance for suddenly happy Tent City campers.

The Tent City men post a lookout, then pile crates or trash cans high enough to peer into first-floor windows. “Pretty much continuously through the day, there’s something going on,” another ex-inmate says. “Some of the women just do it. Some of them take some coaxing.”

Mission Position
An employee survey last year at Phoenix Newspapers Inc. produced such abysmal results that Republic and Gazette managers mobilized a committee. The committee devised a 12-point Mission Statement to tell employees what they were supposed to be doing. The statement was also printed on coffee mugs given to all R&G workers.

Here’s the actual Mission Statement (The Flash could never invent a list this silly) along with The Flash’s own parenthetical qualifiers (imaginary, but not far wrong):

1. Provide outstanding service (to car dealers, grocery stores and realtors).

2. Value and respect individuals and families (except when making gubernatorial endorsements).

3. Share our strength and vision for betterment of our communities (especially communities with golf courses).

4. Listen (while Jerry and Fife are talking).
5. Act with fairness. (Take acting lessons.)
6. Communicate with courage, accuracy and integrity. (We’ll settle for one out of three.)

7. Prize diversity. (Write about the NBA.)
8. Stimulate personal growth, creativity and achievement. (Invest in company stock.)

9. Accept challenges and take risks. (Quote a Democrat.)
10. Attain and maintain excellence. (Have you considered our generous early retirement plan?)

11. Recognize and celebrate successes. (We’ve infiltrated our in-house drug ring!)

12. Have fun. (Send risqu e-mail using someone else’s sign-on.)