Pets: They're just like us. They have likes, dislikes, baggage, and let's face it, probably more Instagram followers than you. So why then are their adoption profiles being limited to the bare minimum? Sure, it's probably important to know if they can tolerate children (who can?) and have had all their vaccinations, (seriously, who hasn't?). But isn't it also worth noting whether they're a Samantha or a Miranda? Or whom they'd vote for the 2016 election — and also whether they believe all those rumors about the Illuminati? Obviously, the answer is yes. Which is why we've penned a few pet profiles that we strongly suggest the Arizona Humane Society starts using.
Gina the Chihuahua
Mother of four. Divorced but still hopeful for a second chance at love. Enjoys Virginia Slims and Sutter Home white wine. Shops at Target but pronounces it like it's French: Targé. Will never admit that the designer bags she gets carried in are cheap knockoffs.
Marlowe the German Shepherd
Enjoys cold-brew coffee and being the first one to discover a new/old dive bar. Sells refurbished Polaroid cameras on Etsy and is currently working a on cookbook of vegan meals prepared entirely on a 1992 Easy-Bake Oven. Claims she has no idea who the Jonas Brothers are.
Mittens the Cat
Suffers from chronic resting bitch face. Is actually very pleasant to be around. Can't understand why these idiots think otherwise. Has trouble discerning the difference between holding a grudge and having a good memory. Thinks Garfield is the tops.
Jasper the Chihuahua
Doesn't trust the government. Believes in UFOs. Has a sneaking suspicion the mailman is spying on him, which is why he tells his friends to hand deliver any and all messages between the hours of midnight and 3 a.m. Has quite possibly spiraled back into his meth addiction.
Sherry the English Bulldog
No kids but still goes all out for the holidays. Enjoys DIY crafts and finding inspirational quotes on Pinterest. Guilty pleasures include Marie Callender's microwavable meals and binge-watching Scandal on Netflix.
Chloé the Cat
Total gossip queen. Claims to hate drama but secretly loves stirring the pot. Posts "no makeup" selfies, abuses the word "literally," and dreams of landing her own reality show on Bravo. Her favorite Kardashian is Khloé, obviously.
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Roxy the Pit Bull
Posted this photo to protest Instagram's censorship policies (#freethenipple). Is easy to love/hate, what with her air-dried-to-perfection hair and effortless modeling career. Has a bigger social media following than you. Ironically enough, hates Pitbull.
Princess the Yorkshire Terrier
Has so clearly had work done. Thinks begging is beneath her. Lives on a Gwyneth Paltrow-approved diet of moon dust, organic bison essence, and gluten-free kibble. Will never admit that this is a wig.
Terrance the French Bulldog
Cannot believe that Barbara took this picture. Seriously, what the hell was she thinking? Enjoys the Sunday crossword, audiobooks, and his privacy. Can't quite wrap his head around Snapchat.
Hector the Tabby
Is admittedly not very good in front of the camera. Enjoys spoiling Game of Thrones for people who didn't read the books. Has spent much of his adult life living with his mom. Trolls your blog.