Over a year and a half has gone by since Rebecca Black made her dreadful debut, which means it's time for another American tween to publicly embarrass herself to the rest of the country's delight. Just like Rebecca's video, this one got millions of hits and over 73,000 comments on YouTube for all the wrong reasons.
The lesson that 12-year-old Nicole Westbrook's song "It's Thanksgiving" has taught us is that nobody should ever write a pop song about Thanksgiving. "It's Thanksgiving" is not surprisingly a production of Ark Music Factory, which is owned by Patrice Wilson, the brains (or lack thereof) behind Rebecca Black's "Friday." Everybody knows that my extreme hatred of Rebecca Black's music warranted some pretty fabulous hate mail. Everybody also knows that the only part of Patrice's job that he's good at is making age-appropriate music videos for his clients.
Well whatdya know, very few lines rhyme in "It's Thanksgiving" too! I see a pattern. The difference is that Wilson takes making a fool of himself a step further in this one by prancing around in a turkey costume. One of the most unfortunate aspects of this Thanksgiving mess is that it resulted in a TV spot on Access Hollywood. Oy fucking vey.
Nicole's prior experience in the entertainment biz include being a backup hip-hop dancer on two Kidz Bop productions. She's also done some acting and has a little so-called singing here and there. A note about the singing: it doesn't really sound like singing, but it's cute that she's trying, I guess.
It's not that bashing young girls' hopeless dreams makes me feel good, and I'm not a troll. It's just that it's impossible for anyone to have nothing negative to say about what Westbrook and Wilson probably call "a beautiful masterpiece." Allow me to break down all of the things that are wrong with this song and video.Don't Bother Reminding Me of the Major Holidays; I'm American and I Know Them Already
Patrice sings, "December was Christmas / January was New Year's / April was Easter / And the Fourth of July, now it's Thanksgiving." If his objective was to solely sing about bits of common knowledge, he should have added a line that goes something like, "I know this song is awful but at least I'm making an effort." He should really also break away from the calendar themes he tends to include in his lyrics because they're just not working out. A side note for the second time the chorus comes around: an "aww yeah" hand motion shouldn't really ever accompany the word Easter.
That Chorus is Reminiscent of "Friday"
There's that line again, the one that goes "we, we, we (fill in the blank)." Instead of being "so excited," as Rebecca Black was, Nicole prefers to state that she and her friends "are gonna have a good time." Then she lists some traditional Thanksgiving foods. Listen, little girl, nobody has to have attended an American Thanksgiving dinner to know what's probably going to be on the damn table, so don't tell me twice.
One of These People is Older Than the Others
At least in the "Friday" music video, Patrice is completely removed from any kiddie activities. Is Wilson supervising the kids' table or is he just sitting there creepin'? Giving thanks for good creeping skills is no way to spend Thanksgiving.
Some of These Foods Are Not Thanksgiving Foods
One by one, Nicole's friends ring her doorbell and present a plate of food. Ribs on Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving is not a barbeque day, girl! Save that shit for the summer. Wait a minute...she's got ribs smelling up her neighbors' cribs? Does that mean all of these kids are kickin' it at Patrice's house? Get those kids out of there! At this rate I'm starting to think he might have a white candy van too.
Prayers Are Not Meant to Be Interrupted By a Rap...
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...Especially not an awful one. I love how the black girl gives Nicole a foul look as soon as she starts rapping, as if to say, "Stop right now before you regret this, white girl." Better yet, she busts out into the chorus by singing into a turkey leg mic! The turkey mic is sadly the highlight of the entire video.
Thanksgiving is one of my favorite days because it's one of very few holidays where it's publicly acceptable to be a fatty fatty no friends. Thanks to Nicole, I feel obligated to ruin Thanksgiving this year by eating barbequed ribs and hiring some guy in his late twenties to hang out with my 12-year-old cousins. Please, Nicole, stop making music before you release anything that's unimaginably worse. But in the spirit of Thanksgiving, you heard her: "Give 'em thanks, y'all."