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4

Top Chef D.C. Finale: The Boring Train Makes Its Final Stop in Yawnsville

You can pull the fork out of our eyes now, Top Chef D.C. is finally over, and not even previous Top Chef winner Hung Huynh or chef David Chang (Treme everybody!) saying "fuck" and "balls" could save the finale on Wednesday night from being as boring as the entire season.

Ugh, where to begin...

Maybe we could go on about Angelo's crippling stomach pains and migraine headache (faker baby!) and subsequent antibiotics butt shot, which had a 3 percent chance of curing him (Whaaaat?). Or we could go on about Ed's turd cake, which he had helper and previous Top Chef insufferable hack Ilan Hall make, and then argued with the judges about. Or we could even go on about the collective gasp of the viewing audience as the judges announced Kevin as the "obvious" winner -- not because he deserved it, but because the TV hadn't blown up from becoming self-aware of its own boring-ness -- but what would be the point?

Oh, yeah, and then there's the food. Does anyone care? If so, here ya go:

Ed:
1st Course: Chilled summer corn velouté
2nd Course: bacon-wrapped slipper lobster & char-grilled cuttlefish
3rd Course: duo of duck: roasted breast & stuffed neck
4th Course: sticky toffee date cake

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Kevin:
1st Course: Eggplant, Zucchini & Roasted Pepper Terrine
2nd Course: Pan-Seared Rouget with Cuttlefish "Noodles"
3rd Course: Roasted Duck with Duck Dumplings
4th Course: "Singapore Sling" with Coconut Panna Cotta

Angelo:
1st Course: Royale Mushrooms with Noodles, Pork Belly & Watermelon Tea
2nd Course: Asian-Style Bouillabaisse over Sautéed Rouget and Poached Cuttlefish
3rd Course: Duck & Foie Gras with Marshmallow & Tart Cherry Shooter
4th Course: "Thai Jewel" Shaved Ice & Coconut Milk

In the end, Kevin won, Ed and Angelo lost, the judges got a free trip to Singapore, and the rest of us would have preferred watching something more exciting like boiling water, bobble-head dolls, or bobble-head dolls in boiling water.

Hours of our lives we'll never get back. Let the weeping begin.

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