Here's The Heavy Metal Soundtrack to Your Sexcapades You've Been Looking For
We might not all agree on musical taste. I mean that metal, indie rock, jazz, hip-hop -- none of it is made for everyone, but I think we can all agree that there's really nothing so appealing as all-out sex appeal. Sex might not be the first thing you think of when you think of heavy rock, but it's in the genre's DNA.
Metal sex isn't quite the same as your average "rom-com" version of doing the deed. Heavy metal represents passion, organized chaos, honesty, and promiscuity -- not logic and reason and the five-date rule.
I'm a strong believer in using music to manipulate a situation. Think about it: DJs change the entire atmosphere of a crowd merely by playing a certain song at the perfect time. More often than not, rock stars are not attractive; usually chicks flock to the music for that sexually charged energy, not the particular person. The key to accomplishing this feat -- in a heavy metal, at least -- is to get in tune with those heavier tracks that make chicks (or dudes) who usually prefer tamer music in the bedroom into metal believers. That way, you get to listen to the music you love during sex, while the other person, clearly in the wrong place at the wrong time, is exposed to something new and exciting.
Or maybe you're just making a bet with a friend that spinning the girly sounds of Iron Maiden's Bruce Dickinson will result in her matching the decibels of "Run to the Hills."
After all, that's how I got the idea for this Metal Monday column. Yesterday, at a beer-soaked day at the pool, my girlfriend Angela and I got into a debate (she's from New Jersey, so it's a huge shocker she likes to argue). Angela has been a gorgeous, cynical, sarcastic friend of mine for several years, but we've always butted heads about music. It's gotten to the point where I just play metal around her to piss her off, and she glares at me and yells out in her Jersey Shore-esque manner, "No one wants to hear that shit, Lauren! [mimicking guttural growls] Who listens to that shit? I mean really! Um, ever!"
Not what we're looking to do it to.
So, Angela and I made a bet that I would be able to create a heavy metal playlist that she would like to have sex to -- the result of a conversation that probably isn't very appropriate to be forever saved into the eternity of the Internet. She's a good sport, though, and she promised to give it a try.
This is no easy task. Convincing most girls that heavy metal is fun in the bedroom is like trying to convince boy bands like One Direction that they won't have a career in five years. And according to Cosmopolitan magazine's list of "12 Hottest Songs to Have Sex To," girls most often opt for such freaky time songs as "Sex on Fire" (Kings of Leon), "Cockiness" (Rihanna), "Sexual Healing" (Marvin Gaye), "It Will Rain" (Bruno Mars), and "Criminal" (Fiona Apple).
So let's get the obvious out of the way: We all know I'm going to vouch for Pantera in the bedroom. I've mostly had good luck with that, although there was one guy who got kinda freaked out by Phil's guttural chant of "Die! Die! Die!" at the end of "Floods."
But there are a ton of heavy tunes out there that are ideal for sexy-time. Promise.
I've had several friends, male and female, who swear by such songs as Static X's "Wisconsin Death Trip" and "Machine," HIM's "Your Sweet 666," The Deftones, and Rob Zombie for a damn good time.
As a metal enthusiast -- not to mention a fan of beautiful women -- I like to think I can provide some insight into how to seduce females with a healthy dose of heavy metal petting. First and foremost to remember: Just because a song is awesome for a stripper to shake her ass to doesn't mean it's going to work in the bedroom. For example, Buckcherrys "Crazy Bitch," Theory of a Deadman's "Bad Girlfriend?" Not a turn-on in the bedroom.
Start out with something more mild than metal, like bluesy rock. After the night progresses, you can move onto something heavier. Don't go straight for the crazy metal stuff -- you gotta build up to that. Here are some of our favorites -- first, a list of hard but still accessible tunes, and then the nutso stuff for later in the evening.
Tool, "Forty-two & 6" and "Sober" Black Light Burn, "The Mark," "Lie," "Cruel Melody," "Animal" Avenged Sevenfold, "Afterlife," "Seize the Day" or "A Little Piece of Heaven." Black Keys, "Psychotic Girl" and "Next Girl" White Zombie, "More Human Than Human" Pantera, "This Love," "The Sleep," "Hollow" and "Floods" Hellyeah, "Hell of a Time" and "Star" Marilyn Manson, "Sweet Dreams" or "Tainted Love" Cream, "Sunshine of Your Love" Anthrax, "In The End" Black Label Society, "Blood Is Thicker Than Water" Jimi Hendrix, "Little Wing" Metallica, "Nothing Else Matters," "Enter Sandman," "Wherever I May Roam," "Fade to Black"
Favorite Heavier Picks: In This Moment, "Gun Show" Slayer, "Angel of Death," "Raining Blood" (obviously), "Dead Skin Mask" Slipknot, "Psycho Social," "Duality," "Wait and Bleed," "Disasterpiece" The Haunted, "Abysmal" Deftones, "Minerva," "Beware," "You've Seen The Butcher" Rob Zombie, "Pussy Liquor," "Living Dead Girl," "Feel So Numb" Marilyn Manson, "Putting Holes in Happiness," "Slo-Mo-Tion," "Pistol Whipped," Down, "Stained Glass Cross" Pantera, "I'm Broken," "A New Level," " The Art of Shredding," "Psycho Holiday," "Heresy," "Shedding Skin,"....Hell. I'll just stop there for your sake. Metallica's "Battery," "Whiskey in the Jar," "My Apocalypse," "Fuel," "Memory Remains," Murderdolls, "Dead in Hollywood"
There are of course entire catalogs that are action-friendly all the way through. Think the Deftones' White Pony -- totally atmospheric -- and American Made Music to Strip By, a remix album of tracks off the Hellbilly Deluxe album by Rob Zombie. Personal favorites include "Living Dead Girl" and "The Ballad of Resurrection Joe and Rosa W***e."
Oh, yeah, and just about anything from Nine Inch Nails.
And so it is with a compilation of such metal songs as these that I plan on converting my girlfriend into a heavy-metal-in-the-bedroom believer.
As a disclaimer, obviously these songs are just my opinion and of "research" that's been done in the past and girls I've talked to about it. Feel free to add to the list, agree or disagree.
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