Culture News

9 Things Facebook Needs Now That We're Getting a Dislike Button

Last week, Facebook genie Mark Zuckerberg announced that the social media site is working on a “dislike” button – that is, an icon that expresses remorse and polite disagreement. We’re pretty sure there is no way this could possibly go wrong.

Feeling inspired by this impending cyclone of hatred — er, empathy — we thought of some other doodads that Facebook could roll out in coming months. Do you like your social media exactly the way it is? Cool, here are ways it could be completely changed.

The Explainer
When someone rejects your friend request, Facebook will notify you and offer some explanations as to why someone wouldn't want to be your friend.

The Snip Feature
This fun photo function allows you to remove faces from your pictures. It's just like actually getting drunk and snipping exes out of your Polaroids with a pair of old safety scissors! So vintage!

The Candy Crusher
When someone invites you to play Candy Crush, a virus will actually take over your computer, forcing you to win the game before you can regain control of your desktop.

The One Click
With a single click, you can post 50 angry political memes to your friend's wall, explaining why everything they believe is a lie.

The Tabloid
For $5,999, Perez Hilton will actually sneak into your house and take candid video of you in a compromising position, then post all over Facebook. Now payable with Bitcoin!

The Ha$htag
Make money on Facebook! Add a corporate hashtag to your post and make dozens of cents by the end of 2028.

The Catfish
Don't have enough friend requests from people who were apparently born yesterday, have only one post, you've never met in real life, live somewhere you've never heard of, and have one picture of themselves in a string bikini making a kissy face at their camera phone? We'll send you hundreds more.

Facebook Pro
For a small fee, Facebook will give you all the features of LinkedIn Premium — vague advice, an email server with a slightly different name, and leads for jobs that have nothing to do with you field!

The "One Weird Trick"
Replace every post with "One Weird Trick" ads geared to all your insecurities. Don't worry: We already know what they are.

KEEP PHOENIX NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Robert Isenberg