Here’s how ChatGPT roasted metro Phoenix’s various cities

ChatGPT says the darndest things. Just ask the users of the locally focused subreddit r/Phoenix, who have been enjoying a recent post featuring not-so-flattering descriptions of the Valley by the language-based artificial intelligence chatbot.

Earlier this month, the Reddit user notajazzmusician asked ChatGPT — specifically its GPT-4 version — to humorously roast various parts of metro Phoenix, ranging from suburbs like Tempe or Mesa to neighborhoods like Arcadia and Moon Valley.

And the AI overlords were merciless.

Scottsdale was skewered for being a haven for botox. Retiree destination Sun City was compared to the sci-fi flick “Cocoon.” And Tempe caught shrapnel for its party-hearty reputation.

The post has been popular, racking up 546 upvotes and 138 comments since it was posted. Many found it funny and decidedly on target (with one Reddit user stating the descriptions were “pretty accurate.”)

Here’s what ChatGPT had to say about the Valley’s cities and ‘hoods, courtesy of a text dump from the Reddit post.

Scottsdale: Where a $12 green smoothie is considered a "bargain." Home to affluent botox enthusiasts, Scottsdale is also the place where no one ever admits their age, and their dogs’ breeders are more popular topics than world politics.

Chandler: Known as Phoenix's Silicon Valley, where people won't stop bragging about their kids getting into ASU. Because nothing screams success like a career in "innovative disruption" and a side job as an Uber driver.

Tempe: If frat parties were a city, it would be Tempe. Home to ASU and students who still can't pronounce "Mill Avenue" correctly, even after four years and an anthropology degree.

Mesa: Like Chandler, but with more churches and less self-awareness. Where you're just as likely to stumble across a bachelorette party at Organ Stop Pizza as you are a multi-level marketing seminar.
Gilbert: A sleepy town, where residents spend the weekends at farmers markets discussing the newest chicken feed and how the local school banned gluten before it was cool.

Glendale: Where dreams go to die, Glendale is a suburban wasteland of strip malls and chain restaurants. Ever wish you could live in a constant state of tailgating? Glendale’s got you covered. Home to the Cardinals, the Coyotes and apparently all of Arizona's parking lots.

Paradise Valley: If you squint, you can almost see the trust funds gleaming in the sunlight. It’s the only place in Arizona where residents have pet peacocks and the median income matches the temperature in July.

Deer Valley: At first glance, a lot of rocks and dust. But don’t be fooled. This area hosts such an array of Dollar Stores, it's being considered for the "Guinness Book of World Records."

Sun City: It's like "Cocoon" but less exciting. Home to 11 golf courses, 130 church groups and the world's most competitive bingo scene. Goodyear: Also known as "Oh, you live all the way out there?" They're so close to LA, residents just consider traffic jams as part of the experience.

Peoria: The home of Theater Works where everyone’s a critic, but the real drama is always the PTA meetings.

Avondale: Because nothing says "excitement" like endless suburban sprawl and an occasional NASCAR race. Don’t forget to pack your earplugs!

Queen Creek: Has a name that sounds like it came from a fantasy novel, but the only dragons you'll find here are in the Dungeons & Dragons club at the local high school.

Arcadia: Where the grass is always greener, literally, because everyone's obsessed with lawn care. It's the land of 100-year-old citrus trees and the constant smell of Whole Foods hot bar. Biltmore: Where the only thing higher than the golf course fees are the Botox injections. The major pastime? Brunch, darling.

Moon Valley: The residents might not be actual astronauts, but the HOA fees are pretty much out of this world.

Ahwatukee: Often called "the world's largest cul-de-sac." People get lost so frequently in Ahwatukee, the community has started handing out compasses at the annual Chili Cook-Off.

Cave Creek: Cowboy boots are in vogue here 365 days a year, even at the hippest bars. And don't be surprised if your bartender is also your rodeo champion. ... Where the Old West meets organic, free-range, grass-fed artisanal beef jerky.

Laveen: Yes, it's technically part of Phoenix, but only by about three cows and a half-hour drive. The place where everyone assures you that the city will "grow out this way" any day now. Anthem: It's like Pleasantville, but with more cacti and coyotes. Just make sure you adhere to the official "Anthem look" — beige houses, beige cars and beige clothes. Beige is the new black here!

Downtown Phoenix: Where ambition and artistry collide ... often quite literally due to those newfangled scooters whizzing around on the sidewalks. Congratulations, you've made it to the beating heart of Arizona, where the most challenging part of your day could be deciding whether to order an organic, locally sourced, grass-fed avocado toast or the kombucha-infused, cruelty-free, non-GMO breakfast burrito at that artisanal hipster coffee shop you just discovered. A place where the concept of 'rustic' has been stretched so far, it's starting to encompass “early 20th-century factory chic.”

Amusing, right? Maybe you chuckled or maybe your scratched your head since some of the descriptions were a little out of date. Gilbert, for example, has become more of a nightlife hub in recent years. You might have even started prepping for the inevitable robot apocalypse, given ChatGPT’s disdain for the Valley.

Regardless, there were a few metro Phoenix suburbs that notajazzmusician didn’t include in their list, such as Apache Junction, Buckeye and Fountain Hills. So for completionist’s sake, we hit up ChatGPT and asked it to describe those cities and towns.

Here are the results in alphabetical order.

Apache Junction: Where the desert sun sculpts residents into human jerky. It's a town where retirees flock like vultures to feast on discounted early bird specials, and the main form of entertainment is watching cacti grow.

Buckeye: Where there are more cows than people and the smell of manure wafts through the air like a symphony of stinky pride. It's a city where the term "rush hour" refers to the stampede of tumbleweeds down Main Street. The buck stops here and so does the excitement.

Carefree: The land of artistic enlightenment and a giant sundial that doubles as a metaphor for time moving slower than a snail on vacation. Immerse yourself in the riveting world of sculptures that leave you questioning, "Is that art or a yard sale reject?"

El Mirage: Where mirages aren't just illusions, they're an everyday lifestyle. It's a town that time forgot and progress took a detour. The local economy thrives on selling sunburn remedies and if you're looking for excitement, don't blink, or you might miss it.  Fountain Hills: Where life revolves around a giant water feature, because apparently, that's what a community needs to feel fulfilled. Don't miss the thrilling events like "Watch the Fountain!" and "Marvel at How It's Just Water Shooting Up!" It's wet and wild mediocrity at its finest.

Gold Canyon: Where dreams of striking it rich meet the harsh reality of empty pockets. The town's main attraction? Searching for elusive gold nuggets among the tumbleweeds. Don't forget your metal detector and a healthy dose of delusion.

Guadalupe: A tiny oasis of ... well, something. It's a “blink and you’ll miss it” kind of place where the intense game of "guess the speed limit" happens regularly. Don't miss out on the thrill of navigating the maze of confusing streets.

Litchfield Park: Welcome to Litchfield Park, where the air is tinged with the sweet sound of freedom … and the occasional sonic boom. Watch as fighter jets from Luke Air Force Base perform aerial acrobatics, leaving residents to wonder if it's a thunderstorm or just their eardrums begging for mercy.

New River: The vibrant center of endless excitement, where the streets are paved with gold ... or maybe just a few potholes. Strap in for heart-pounding adventures like counting saguaros, debating the meaning of life with lizards, and enjoying breathtaking views of rocks that haven't moved in centuries.
San Tan Valley: The land of plastic smiles and artificial enthusiasm. It's a place where authenticity goes to die and the snooze button is always on. Queen Creek looks like a bustling metropolis in comparison.

Sun City West: Where the sun shines brighter on retirees than anywhere else on Earth! It's a place where golf carts have more horsepower than the residents' sports cars, and early bird specials are serious business.

Surprise: Where the most surprising thing is how unsurprising it is. The excitement level here rivals watching paint dry, while retirees frolic in a sea of beige and discuss the latest developments in golf cart technology and over-inflated prices for homes.

Tonopah: Where the desert sun isn't the only thing glowing. With a nuclear power plant nearby, the area radiates an aura of excitement, or maybe it's just the radiation. Enjoy the scenic views of cooling towers in the distance and marvel at the subtle hum of impending mutations.

Tolleson: The not-so-captivating detour on the thrilling journey of Interstate 10. It's a place where excitement peaks as you bypass the town's main attraction: endless road construction.

Youngtown: Welcome to Youngtown, where the youth are just as mythical as unicorns, and the town's name is a cruel joke. Witness the epic battles between mobility scooters in the Walmart parking lot, as retirees vie for the best deals on denture adhesive.