Degrassi: Next Class Season 3, Episode 5 Recap #HugeIfTrue | Phoenix New Times

Degrassi: Next Class Recap: Can't Hardly Wait

When it's time to party, we will party at the Hollingsworths.
Those are definitely all root beers, of course. ::cough::
Those are definitely all root beers, of course. ::cough:: DHX Media Ltd.
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Every week, we're recapping season three of Degrassi: Next Class. When it's time to party, we will party at the Hollingsworths.

For a show like Degrassi, the heart of everything lies in its namesake, a community school in Toronto. In a lot of ways, it has become its own character, which is why #HugeifTrue took a pretty bold step in centering everything around one night, sans parents, at the Hollingsworth house.

Mama Hollingsworth is away at a yoga retreat (because of course she is) leaving her three children home alone. This is awfully trusting, considering Hunter's mental hospital stay, Frankie's racist meltdown, and Miles' ... well  ... everything. Perhaps she felt better that Shay and Lola were staying over to "study," which no parent could possibly believe, ever. However, Lola believes it will be a much-needed girls night, a rare occurrence now that Frankie and Shay have settled down with Jonah and Tiny, respectively. Armed with a Caboodle full of makeup, Kate Hudson rom coms, and three tubs of ice cream, it's time for some female bonding.

As Lola leaves the room, Frankie gets a text from Jonah that his play rehearsal has been canceled. This is the perfect opportunity to spend quality time after her massive bout of (mostly) unwarranted jealousy last episode. Furthermore, with the thought of being called "immature" still burned in her brain, this is the perfect time to take the "next step." Y'know, that step. She talks Shay into inviting Tiny, too, leaving poor single Lola in a lonely lurch.

Sgt. Lola's Lonely Hearts Club Band
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Well, don't feel too bad for Lola quite yet.

Before she knows the other girls' plan, she's still blissfully mixing together some green gunk for facials. In walks Frankie's older brother, Miles, who has formed a kinship with Lola over the last months of school as they both cope with grief. They both appreciate having an open ear without any sort of fake pity. He mentions, not-so-subtly, that he'll be up in his room if she wants to swing by.

No sooner does she finish the face masks than Frankie walks in with Jonah. On top of that, Tiny walks in, but he's not alone: He brought Esme, Zig, and Grace, as well as a case full of cheap beer for this unaccompanied hang. This doesn't make Shay very happy, as Frankie's bold choice to make the moves on Jonah had her thinking about the fact that she and Tiny are probably due for some "alone time" as well. Passive-aggressive as ever, she says nothing.

The party decides to play "Never Have I Ever," which jumps immediately to who has had sex. Everyone but Shay and Frankie drink, and Lola stares over at Tiny while she takes a swig, in full view of Shay. They then get into incredibly specific statements like, "Never have I ever hooked up in a pool," and "Never have I ever hooked up in a scuzzy roadside motel," which applies to Frankie and Jonah only. Riding a buzz from terrible beer and these suggestive prompts, Frankie talks him into going upstairs.

The rest of the group keeps playing, and now it's getting spiteful. "Never have I ever fooled around with someone I wasn't in love with," says Shay. Take a swig or three, Esme. Lola brings up that thing about Shay stealing her boyfriend, which is getting super old, tbh. Tensions high, the next prompt is, "Never have I ever wanted to hook up with the person to my right." Tiny takes a swig toward Shay, and she immediately walls up, convinced that it means he wants to have sex. When they abruptly switch to truth or dare, Shay is dared to go into a closet with Tiny for seven minutes in heaven. Panicked that he'll make a move, she quickly says that she's claustrophobic, so she can't. Esme dares Lola instead, which we're surprised she didn't do in the first place, honestly. Apprehensive at first, Shay insists that she trusts Tiny and lets him fulfill his duty.

"You wouldn't have to worry if you were meeting Tiny's needs," snarks Esme. Ugh, reverse slut-shaming from the one person who should know better. "She thinks she's so much better than me, but we both get straight As. I just have more fun," she adds. "It's so much fun being easy," snaps Shay, prompting Grace to call it a girl-on-girl crime. As if that was worse than Esme? Feminism in Degrassi world is as complicated as it is in the real world sometimes.

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Welcome to the PEN15 club.
DHX Media Ltd.
On the other end of the spectrum (and the house) is Frankie's younger brother, Hunter, grooming himself for a visit from his girlfriend, Yael. Just as he's finishing up, his best bros Baaz and Vijay barge in, having gotten word of the girls' night, which includes Baaz's crush, Lola. He tries to tell them to leave, but they make themselves comfortable, going so far as to raid his closet. "Your mom buys you all these designer clothes and you wear the same clothes and you wear the same gross hoodie," remarks Baaz. He then picks up a pair of unworn shoes, in hopes that Hunter will give it to him. Alas, they're too big.

"You know they say about big feet," says Vijay. "I don't know know how that can be true from a biological standpoint," replies Baaz. His feet are bigger than Vijay's, right? Maybe, but Vijay is a size 12. Oh boy, here we go. Baaz and his bruised ego decides that they need to figure out once and for all by measuring their manhood. Horrified, Hunter tries to talk them out of it, until they guilt him on the fact that he's bailed on them at least seven times since he started dating Yael. Just like that, Hunter makes up a lie about being sick in order to compare his Johnson with his friends', for the sake of male bonding.

While these uber nerds discuss how to be as scientifically accurate as possible (we'll spare you the details) Yael walks in with her mother's "Jewish penicillin" (or, chicken soup). Lo and behold, she finds Hunter alive and well. He stammers through an excuse, eventually lying about needing a guys' night in order to watch porn. She insists that she be allowed to join in. After several minutes of uncomfortable porn-watching, Hunter finally breaks, admitting something even more awkward - she walked in as they were about to measure their trouser snakes.

Surprisingly not horrified, Yael offers to help, deciding that they should each take a photo with a ruler and send it to her to be the judge. This poses a problem for Hunter in two ways. 1. She's about to see his best friends' packages. 2. She has yet to see his one-eyed monster. He expresses that worry to his best friends, who are surprisingly unsympathetic. "You're so lucky. You have all this money and a girlfriend and you take it all for granted," snaps Baaz. He's not wrong, but it also seems like this was an issue only exasperated by the potential of Hunter also having a much bigger joystick.

Despite that outburst, the decide that whatever happens, they'll still be friends. Yael returns from examining the photos and Hunter has won "by, like, a lot." Even though the boys called a truce, Hunter doesn't want that hanging over their friendship. "They're going to think you're saying it because you're my girlfriend," he laments. She agrees to pretend Baaz won for the sake of their friendship, and he celebrates by chanting "U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!" (Even though he's Canadian?) In the world of Degrassi, where they've done just about everything, we're happy (we think) to say that this was a first.

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Smile if your relationship is doomed!
DHX Media Ltd.
Meanwhile, Frankie and Jonah have squirreled themselves away in her room and are going hot and heavy, complete with candles. She says that she's ready and he stops her in her tracks. Surprised, she reminds him that her mom won't be back tomorrow and Jonah has had sex with other girls, right? "Straight edge doesn't mean celibate, I Googled it," she says, hilariously. When he continues to push her away, she bites back with, "Is it because of Grace?!" Mood = officially killed.

He assures her that there's nothing going on with him and Grace, he just doesn't want to rush things and risk ruining what they have. In a fit of frustration, Frankie kicks off the sheets, knocking over one of the candles. It ignites quickly, setting off the smoke alarm in seconds. Miles hears it and saves the day, although only to find his sister there without a top on. Yikes. Although he's definitely leaving, Jonah tries to extend an olive branch to talk later. A shaken Frankie declares that she needs space. Girl, you need a lot more than that.

Down the hall in a closet filled with elegantly rolled napkins (as only the Hollingsworths would have), Lola and Tiny are waiting out their seven minutes. She asks if there's something wrong with her, since her friends didn't even want to spend one night alone with her. While he tries to assure her she's great, she slumps into, "so great, you dumped me for my best friend." Ouch. He reminds her that they had a lot of fun, and some guy will come along who sees that. She ominously replies, "You're right, there is."

The alarm goes off and they emerge, somewhere toward the end of a hug. Shay is standing there and charges after him, assuming they'd been kissing. She insists that she'd never do that to her, but Shay's too busy telling Tiny that she knows Lola will give him what Shay can't. "Pretty sure I should be offended by that, so I am," Lola says, walking away. Shay berates him for the earlier incident where he admitted via "Never Have I Ever" that he wants to hook up with his own girlfriend. "You only want me if I'm a perfect science student," he says. "This isn't you!" she yells. What exactly does she think a relationship is? She's so afraid of getting close to someone, she'll try and control their feelings, too.

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I cheated myself, like I knew I would. I told you, I was trouble. Yeah, you know that I'm no good.
DHX Media Ltd.
Over in Miles' room, he's talking down Frankie about her embarrassing moment with Jonah. "Maybe he has herpes, or I'm repulsive and he hates me," she moans. He reminds her that some guys might just be weird about the virginity thing. They think that if they're your first, you get all clingy.  Or, their relationship is totally doomed and he's sparing them both a lot of heartache. She retreats to her room where she's later joined by Shay. "I'm sorry you almost died, but glad you didn't do it. I didn't want to be the only one not having sex," she says, while they drown their sorrows in ice cream.

After Frankie left, a scorned Lola finds her way into Miles' room next. He drags her into reading his play and she offers some sound advice. Considering the role was based on her, it dawns on him to offer her the part of Hope, a new friend who helps the main character through a tough time. Y'know, because he's been having a hard time casting the part, of course. Her face drops, and she admits that she doesn't think it's a good idea, because she likes him. This draws his face closer (uh oh) and they kiss (major uh oh). She confirms that's what he wants and when he says yes, they drop back onto the bed.

We find them again the next morning, and the first thing she asks if he's thinking about Tristan. Oh, girl. This is already awkward enough. He admits he feels guilty, but he also feels good. "I never thought my first time would be with someone whose boyfriend is in a coma. Or someone who has a boyfriend," she says, nonchalantly. Way to bury the lede, Lola. This sends shockwaves through Miles, who had just told his sister to avoid this scenario. "It's no big deal and I mean it," Lola explains. "We can't date, let's just enjoy whatever this is." Seems like a relief for now, but this is Degrassi, and it's all going to come back somehow.

Downstairs, Lola lies about sleeping in the guest room all night and Shay apologizes for being a crazy person. Lola admits that she lied about having sex with Tiny during the game. "We never did anything - but you drank - I thought if you thought we did it, my relationship was important."

"I've been worried about living up to you!" Shay exclaims. "None of us are doing it!" Frankie says, excitedly. "Sex just complicates things." she continues.

"Only if you let it," says Miles, who will most certainly live to regret that comment later.

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