Film and TV

Gilmore Girls: Here's Every Citizen of Stars Hollow, Ranked

With Gilmore Girls returning to Netflix this November, we figured it was time to take a closer look at the fictional town of Stars Hollow and the many citizens who live there. While the show itself has always focused on Lorelai and Rory Gilmore, the titular girls, the sleepy Connecticut community’s prominence became a character in its own right.

But the township would not exist if not for the many oddballs who make it up. Some members of the town are more productive than others, and others are more beloved.

We’ve re-watched all seven seasons of the show to properly assemble the definitive ranking of who is the best, who is the worst, and who really isn't that important in the town of Stars Hollow.

67. Taylor
Taylor is, without a doubt, hands down, absolutely, the worst person in Stars Hollow. Whether he’s thirsting for power or lording it over the other townsfolk, Taylor Doose is the actualization of evil plaguing the otherwise-charming Connecticut township.

66. Dean/Jess
While many in the Gilmore fandom continue to debate which of Rory’s boyfriends was her best match, the point of this article is determining where each of Stars Hollow’s citizens rank. Both of these characters are equally shitty. Jess committed destruction of public property, and Dean was a shitty hockey player who deprived the town of a high school championship.

They both suck.

65. The Troubadour
Get a real job.

64. Harry Porter
He was okay as the mayor, but then Taylor Doose replaced him. By association, he’s terrible.

63. Barbara
Mother of Dean. While a person should be judged by their own merits, Dean’s particular brand of suck is so particular and strong that all those associated with him are tainted. She shares his blood, she nurtured him in to the human he became. She must be held accountable.

62. Liz
On one hand, she is partially responsible for the gross monstrosity that is Jess. On the other hand, she kicked him out for being a no-good piece of shit.

61. Rune
Jackson’s quirky cousin was one of his first weird family members we got to meet when he insulted Lorelai’s height.

60. Pasquale
The unseen shoe repairman of Stars Hollow. Never appears on screen.

59. Mr. Cassini
Married to Mrs. Cassini (see below). Never appears on screen.

58. Mr. Kim
The one-time-mentioned-then-forgotten father of Lane, husband of Mrs. Kim. Never appears on screen.

57. Martha
Is interchangeable with #56. One of Sookie and Jackson’s kids.

56. Davey
Is interchangeable with #57. One of Sookie and Jackson’s kids.

55. Steve
Is interchangeable with #54. One of Lane and Zack’s twin children.

54. Kwan
Is interchangeable with #55. One of Lane and Zack’s twin children.

53. Eddy the Mailman
A better mailman than Kirk, but who gives a shit about that?

52. Big Pete
Never seen, casually mentioned by Lorelai. The Petes help run the town nursery.

51. Little Pete
Never seen, casually mentioned by Lorelai. The Petes help run the town nursery.

50. Stan
Formerly known as the oldest man in Stars Hollow, mourned by all.

49. The Second Town Troubadour
While he initially almost followed in the path of busking like the shitty town troubadour, he eventually course-corrected and opened a produce stand in the town square in direct competition of Doose’s Market. Fuck Taylor.

48. Rachel
Luke’s ex. She’s all right, she’s just not Stars Hollow material.

47. April
Luke’s daughter? What the hell was this shit anyway?

46. Pizza Joe
Constantly delivering pizzas to the Gilmore residence. 

45. Mrs. Gleason
Kirk’s mom, always trying to keep a good Kirk down.

44. Jed
Random townsperson who wears overalls.

43. Jeannie
The town vet helped Babette and Morey’s sick cat.

42. Andrew
He flipped out on a woman in public because she once went on a date with Liam Neeson. Grow up, Andrew.

41. Lindsay
She married the soulless husk masquerading as a person called Dean.

40. Bootsy
This guy works at the newspaper stand, so at least he keeps Stars Hollow up to date with all of those topical references they casually drop in conversation.

39. Todd
One of Lane’s dating misfires, Todd is also friends with Dean. He sucks. But his favorite film is the Charles Groden classic Beethoven, so he does have that going for him.

38. Kyle
This asshole is a friend to the walking crash-test dummy that everyone else likes to call "Dean." They get drunk for his bachelor party and made Luke work late. Kyle is an asshole. And he looks suspiciously like that nerd from the Sandlot.

37. Shane
The scab-eater known as Jess dated Shane for a bit purely to make Rory jealous, showing there is no depth he won’t sink to, no low he won’t meet, to cause misery and pain. Jess only broke up with her after Dean dumped Rory, proof of his creepy opportunism. She is but little more than a hapless tool for Jess to use and cast aside. Poor Shane. We hardly knew ye.

36. Froggy
While he was a shitty waiter and busboy at Luke’s Diner — still, he's not Jess. That makes him infinitely better than Jess.

35. Dave
While Dave initially vied for Lane’s affections as guitarist of Hep Alien, the coward broke it off when he moved away to go to college. Lane is the master of long-distance relationships (with Mrs. Kim, every relationship is long distance), but Dave couldn’t cut it. He was replaced in the band by the vastly superior Gil (more on him later).

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Joseph Schmidt
Contact: Joseph Schmidt