I didn't realize how out of hand we were until I began wrapping a bottle of Smirnoff ice to the side mirror of a car with packing tape. It was almost 9 p.m. when I began my evil deed in a gym parking lot -- secure in the knowledge that my target was occupied by his dodge ball game. I'd considered the right tape to use for a firm hold without stripping the car's paint job. I'd meticulously broadcasted false information about my intentions and whereabouts to help avoid suspicion. I'd already started thinking about the inevitable escalation this act of icing aggression would undoubtedly lead to.
There would have to be contingencies.
If you haven't the foggiest what I'm talking about in the above paragraphs, get the internet (or read this coverage from the Village Voice). "Bro Icing" is a drinking game (though it may become a lifestyle for some of us) in which one attempts to surprise a given target with a Smirnoff Ice; a drink widely regarded as an embarrassment to consume. Should one be successful, the target must get down on one knee and consume said malt beverage immediately or be shunned by the icing community (read: everyone else) forever.
Sounds like a viral marketing campaign cooked up by the Smirnoff over mind, right? Not so fast. A June 8 articles from The New York Times quotes a Smirnoff representative saying "Icing is consumer-generated." Also, Smirnoff's parent company Diageo took steps to shut down brosicingbros.com, an extremely popular site that published photos and stories sent in by bros depicting the ingenious ways they were icing each other.
And yet the trend continues elsewhere and in the (not-so) sacred halls of Phoenix New Times. Even as I type this I am no more than six inches from a bottle of piss warm Smirnoff Ice Mango (you can block an icing if you've got a bottle on you). I once asked my primary opposition in this mildly-alcoholic war if we could take a break for a day or so. His response: "This isn't over until you concede."
Submitted for your approval are various techniques we've devised in our scheming, depraved minds to ice each other. If these techniques can help you mount an offensive strong enough to get your would-be icers to chill out, so much the better, bro:
Packing Ice - Using clear packing tape, affix a bottle of Ice somewhere inconspicuous. On the underside of a colleagues desk or even a side view mirror on a car, no place is out of bounds provided they don't see it coming.
(more techniques after the jump ...)
Avalanche - Undoubtedly you've heard of the old bucket of water balanced on a slightly ajar door trick. Replace the bucket with a bottle of Ice and wait for expletives to echo through the halls. If your target manages to get himself concussed tell him or her to put some ice on it.
Ice Down - So your target's out of his office? See that half-consumed bottle of Gatorade or partially slugged can of Coke? Open an ice and give 'em a refill. They'll come crawling (reluctantly) for the other half once they realize they've been iced.
Don't Ice the Messenger - Does your colleague attend meetings with an intern? Make an ally. Arm that undergrad with a bottle of ice and send him on his way. You may not see your target down a bottle in the middle of his Tuesday meeting, but you'll get to enjoy the bask in the glory of his post-meeting flip out.
Ice Machine - Take your target over to the old break room with an offer of a fine carbonated beverage from the vending machine. Mention off hand that you've only got a five so you're going to have to break it. Purchase your drink first. While you're catching quarters ask your target if he can grab your drink for you. When he pulls out a previously planted ice instead it'll be worth the pocketful of quarters.
Frozen Battery - It's an ice or be iced world out there. Some times you have to go to extremes. If you can manage to get a hold of your target's car keys, open the hood. Disconnect that battery cables, plant an ice in his engine and wait. When his car won't start you can bet he'll never suspect it's because his battery has been frozen.
Keep Phoenix New Times Free... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Phoenix with no paywalls.